Detroit City

stanley, the tv picture is all wavy. probably the antenna, edna. don't we have cable? not in this neighborhood, we don't. well, would you go up on the roof and fix it? can I finish my dinner first, dear? but I'm going to miss my story! oh, all right. I'll take care of it. hot food is over-rated anyway. thank you stanley. and bring me a soda while you're up.

harry, I thought you were taking me to a movie. this is much better, shirley. how so? it's a ruin! just think of all the stories this place could tell. I can. it's telling me a story right now, in fact. it is? what's that? that this is our last date.

what's up clarence? hey, jerry. I just got a new job. cool! where at? I'm back at the place I left a year ago. really? but you were fired from that gig! I know, but they never replaced me. I guess I'm indispensable. tell me what you do there again? I subject myself to massive doses of gamma rays for experimental purposes. no huge demand out there for that career, eh? not so much. but they fired you! yeah, I used to moon the x-ray machine. they were getting scans of my. . . you know. not a scientific priority, I take it? no, but on the other hand, I now have a nice warm butt. awesome.

hey, don. why are you smiling? who woulda thought: I've reached the promised land. how so? I can do anything I want. anything at all! amazing, isn't it? I never thought those idiots would buy it, but they did. hook, line and sinker. and now? now I get to milk it. what a country. what's on the agenda for today? other than watching TV? just counting the money, my man. it keeps rolling in. making america great again, eh, mr. president? getting greater all the time.

good afternoon, ma'am. would you like to subscribe to some magazines to help me with college? young lady, this is a cemetary! I am deceased! oh, I'm sorry! but, well, you are speaking to me, aren't you. after being woken from the dead! thank you very much. sorry again. but since you're up, how about buying a subscription? we have many interesting periodicals. like Better Crypts and Gardens, for example. my, you are persistent aren't you? oh, very well. shall we say one year? make it eternal. now that I'm up. awesome.

holy smoke, edna, that was one hell of a party last night. but look at this place, stanley! it's like a bomb went off in here! you certainly didn't seem to mind, dancing on the table. I was not! was I? and no panties! you shameless girl. no! how embarrassing! the guests destroyed everything trying to get at you. really? good thing I preserved it on facebook. all of it. you didn't! 10,000 likes, and climbing! don't say another word, stanley. wow, 20,000 already!

what do you see through the porthole? is it safe? it's amazing, captain. the humans haven't caught on. they believe we're a . . . fountain, I think they call it. excellent. but there's one problem. what's that? a fountain has water. the humans will expect it. wasn't that part of the design back on altair4? well, we didn't really know what water was, until we got here. we'll have to improvise! how? I don't know! couldn't we pee out the window? captain! you know we don't excrete! besides, we're the size of ants compared to these giants! they won't even notice! hmmm. do ants pee? how should I know? start collecting them immediately. maybe they can be trained. that's gonna take a lot of ants. I want to see sprays of ant pee emanating from this vessel. huge waves of it! gonna take a whole shitload of ants. a veritable tidal wave of pee!

I'd like to open an account. very well. is this your first time at our bank? no. I've had accounts here before, but they were all. . . purged. purged? I don't understand. you took the money. how unfortunate. I assume there was a good reason. there was. the bank I robbed didn't like me earning interest on their money. not that I blame them. yes, of course. how much do you wish to deposit today? all of it in this paper bag. I haven't had time to count it. in fact, I don't want to touch it. no? I hate that exploding blue dye. exploding. . . so where do I sign? right here, sir. I don't suppose you got any money in that drawer? you wish to make a withdrawal? yeah. all you got. all. . . and no exploding thingies, ok? of course not, sir. great.

you feel that? feel what? it's B-52s. B-what? up so high, Charlie don't see 'em. don't hear 'em neither. but it'll suck the air out of your damn lungs. Charlie? dude. this is Detroit. not Nam. remember? don't matter. see that glow? their world's on fire. that's a sunset, man. a sunset! you gotta snap out of it! I'm headin' to the bunker. you comin'? it's the fifth inning! I got beer. right behind you.

what's that boat doing up here, claude? I'm working on it. getting it ready. ready for what? I'm expecting a high tide. have to be very high, get up here. matter of fact, it would have to be a biblical flood. exactly. you sayin' that's gonna happen? I ain't. but the lord might be. do this boat got a name? it does. I call it 'get off my boat, bitch.' good name. thanks. maybe I should get me a boat too. might be a good idea.

room service? bring up some caviar and champagne. yes, sir. and strawberries and whipped cream. very good sir. and could you bring jumper cables too, please. and a big battery. big, you say? big. that's a good man. right away sir. enjoying your stay, sir? totally. it's about to get better.

does it speak to you? oh yeah. what does it say? you really wanna know? I do! ok. we're going to hell. oh. bummer.

you go. no, you. I'm not going. you better. why? mom sent you. did not. did too. forget it. I don't care if we have any butter anyway. me neither. I'm not even hungry. we'll just say they didn't have any. ok, good.

I love our new freedoms. me too. we can now say two plus two equals five. you don't doubt that, do you? me? no way! uh, am I speaking into a microphone? probably.

slave! I'm ready to view my new pleasure palace! yes, lord. here it is. ah! at last! the artisans created a ridiculous mixture of Burmese, Indian, Persian and Chinese motifs, hoping at least some of them would satisfy your endless lust for overstatement. I know that! you think I don't know that?! and when the result was insufficiently insane, they ingested massive doses of LSD to increase the overall intensity. far out! your obvious concern for their health is laudable, o callous one. they all sustained brain damage. permanent, but mild, fortunately. so worth it, wouldn't you say? now summon my valet, I must dress for the occasion. which hair piece tonight, lord? the blond one, of course! you've taken a fancy to it, haven't you? it takes years off, don't you think? one hardly notices your paunch, lord. my what? your heroic figure, sire. it is heroic, isn't it. definitely, o delusional one.

may I help you? I'm here for the committee hearing. I'm sorry, it already concluded. there must be a mistake. I am to give testimony about what happened. let me see. ah yes. the committee deemed your testimony superfluous, and rendered its decision. how could that be? place your hands behind your back. handcuff him. what is this? you've been found guilty as charged. guilty? but I haven't been charged with anything! charged, tried and convicted. where's my due process? what about the truth! truth is irrelevant, and due process is over-rated. take him away. but my car! it's parked at a meter! give me the keys. you won't need it in the gulag. what? we don't have gulags here! it's been tweeted. we do now.

very unusual paving material you're using, sidney. yes, well, we ran short of macadam, you see. uh huh. luckily, however, we had lots of extra size sevens. of course. that makes perfect sense. you think? yes, in fact it gives me hope that there remain faint glimmers of civilization in this barbaric slaughterhouse once known as humanity. wow. don't hold back. I never do. no kidding.

it's done, boss. take a look. ok. hey! what's this? you like? nice open air, perfect for dining al fresco. what? it's supposed to be a vault! you know, for our loot? where's the roof? loot? oh. I thought you said 'lute.' why would you ever think that? um, I was hungry? it's my favorite musical accompaniment while dining. you numbskull! if you want to ever see another meal, put a roof on this place! no problem, boss. uh, how about a nice little wine cellar too? you'll be whining plenty, I don't get that roof! some red-and-white striped window awnings? actually, that sounds nice. don't it though?