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watcha doin', bert? nothin', ernie. me neither. life's pretty boring, isn't it. you said it. I wish there was something to make it interesting. well, when you find it, be sure and let me know. as if. right.

hey claude, you going to the community action meeting? oh yeah. and I'm bringing a friend. yeah? who? guido. guido? but he. . . he's an. . . . enforcer? that's him. I only get him involved when there's no other alternative. what's he gonna do? the shit we're dealing with in DC? I'm gonna turn him loose. he gonna turn that cesspool upside down, is what he gonna do. can he really do that? those lyin' morons know what's good for 'em, they better run. I'd definitely like to see that. you and a whole lotta other people.

isn't it a beautiful evening, edna? yes, stanley. but must you keep tickling me? I'm not tickling you, edna. well there's nobody else here! hmmm. is it just my imagination, or are those trees kind of. . . twitching? they do seem to be in some sort of harmony, don't they? you think that they're, I don't know, communicating? that can't be. but I'm pretty sure this leafy branch poking me in the side wasn't here before. it's kinda cute. maybe it wants you to share your popsicle. you think so? I honestly have no idea, edna.

how was your day, dear? miserable. they made me stay and work overtime. ouch. I hope the pay is worth it. it's ok, but, man, those floaties are a bitch to control sometimes. good thing you're tough. tell me about it.

how was your day, stanley? awesome, edna! just by chance, I found that prime retail space I've been searching for! what kind of business do you want to open? well, I thought it would be a coffee house/book shop, you know, with poetry readings and stuff? that sounds nice. yeah, but now. . . now what? a tire store! you want to sell tires? whatever made you change your mind? inventory, edna! it's all about the inventory!

whaddya wanna do, eddie? I dunno, joey. wadda you wanna do? wanna ride the bus to the end of the line and back? that sound like fun to you? not really. ok cool.

sergeant, the general is inspecting today. I want the men looking sharp in drill. it has to go like clockwork. and I mean perfect. this place will be in tip-top shape, sir. does that include your quarters, sergeant? they're a tiny bit messy sir. partied a little too hard last night. messy? it looks like a bomb went off in here! why don't we tell the general it's our explosives lab, sir? maybe he'll want to blow something up himself. you think so? easier than cleaning it. sir. good point, sergeant.

I received this summons. just have a seat, sir. did I do something wrong? did you? well, I see you've been quite busy on twitter. is that so? I guess. is that a crime? it depends, sir. you don't have a good opinion of our leader, do you. so what? you don't seem very proud of your US citizenship. no, not very proud at all. that's an insane thing to say. we'll see about that, sir. you'll. . . see about it? oh yes. we will.

edna? wanna go for a walk? not now, stanley. my favorite TV show is starting. well, I need some exercise. ok, go take your walk then. I will. see you in a couple of hours. that long? to take a walk? and to stop for ice cream, of course. go work those muscles. I totally abuse the machine. of course you do. hot fudge sundae, I presume? only 2 scoops! I'm cutting back. impressive.

my liege, the visigoth hordes surround us. call out the archers. man the parapets. we did that, my lord. but they are too many. nonsense. use that boiling oil thingy. pour it on them. yes, lord, we are. but they still surge the walls. well then, call in an air strike. a what? nuke the bastards. nuke them, my lord? never mind. I got that out of a book I found on the internet. the. . . what? forget it. it's nothing we need worry about for another 1000 years or so.

what am I doing here? it's just routine. face the wall. am I being arrested? no further questions. I was just walking by. we know. empty your pockets. I think maybe I need a lawyer. that's against the rules. what rules? it's all in today's tweet. tweets aren't rules. they are now.

good morning, herr doktor. good morning, my boy. did you notice how warm it is today? yes, it's brutally hot out there. it's my ozone collector! it's working, collecting prodigious amounts of ozone, to store in my unique pressure chamber. are you saying. . . yes! it is I who now controls the climate! but why would you want to do that? to be king of the world! ha ha! but what will happen to the earth? earth? a minor footnote in the history of the cosmos! that sounds a little extreme, doktor, I mean. . . I'll be rolling in money! it's party time!! oh my god. I fear for the planet. I'm gonna shake that. . . er, what do you call it? you mean, booty? yes! it must be shaken!

you wanna get a drink later? can't afford to. I have a meeting. really? talk is cheap. it's with my lawyer. so, not so much.

I'm answering your job ad. ok. it demands the utmost perseverance, dedication and skill, 24-7, with no benefits. what do I gotta do? take care of this place. who's been doing it up to now? me. and I have the highest standards. really? you sure? well, I sometimes disappoint myself. so, any tips? just this: don't set any fires. why not? it attracts the neighbors. there's neighbors? they howl at the moon, and love fresh meat. so they're friendly? you can say that.

why're you scratching your head, vern? I can't figure this out. what's that? that it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. the bible says something like that, alright. yeah, except. . . except what? why would a camel want to go through the eye of a needle? it's a metaphor, vern. like jumping the shark. oh. so did the shark try to go through that needle too? I really doubt it, vern. cuz that wouldn't make no sense atall. know what I mean? I do, vern. I totally do.

look, dear, the girl scouts are selling cookies. let's get some. go ahead if you want. but I don't see a future in it. what? it's cookies! I'm just a little pessimistic today, sorry. what about? oh, armageddon. the end of the world, that sort of thing. whatever brought that on? dunno. must have had too many blueberries on my pancakes this morning. that'll do it, all right. I'm sure it has nothing to do with those incoming contrails. what? where? forget it. we better eat those cookies. before they melt.

what's up man? actually, I'm getting the band back together again. band? what band? you're not a musician. the weatherman. from the old days. those guys? don't tell anyone. it's a secret. you've already been a fugitive once. you wanna be one again? the world has gone nuts. especially here. I know. hell, everybody knows. so, can I join? sure, just go to our web site. web site? your underground group has a web site? hey. it's all marketing. know what I mean? the world truly is nuts, alright. I know. have your credit card ready.

think you can do it? I reckon. how far's the target? see that peak out there? he's on it. hell, that's gotta be several miles away. could be. that's a long shot, even for you. true. but take a look at. . . this. shit! that thing's huge! biggest they make. a few miles is no problem. amazing how far water balloon technology has advanced! it's a great time to be alive. no doubt.