Detroit City

ok, gang, follow along: wish I was back in the city, instead of this old bank of sand. with the sun beating down on the chimney tops, and the one I love so close at hand. if I had wings, and I could fly, I know where I would go. but right now, I'll just sit here so contentedly, and watch the river flow.

men, we've got a big game today. we know, coach. very big. we cannot take those guys lightly. we won't, coach. so here's what we're gonna do. I'm putting in the all-name team for this game. the. . . what? the all-name team. Irons! Steele! Sword! Swett! Paine, and Butt! get out there and hurt someone! coach, are you sure? those guys aren't even 1st-string! maybe not, but the names on those jerseys has to count for something.

sir! I'm receiving some very disturbing deep-space radio signals! I think we may be. . . under attack! what?! where are the signals coming from, corporal? I can't really say, but they're very loud. I'm raising the threat level to Def Con 1. it appears we're at war, son. I'll close the door and notify the joint chiefs. hey, that's strange! the signals suddenly disappeared! no kidding? uh, sir? who's in the next room? it's that idiot Lars. listening to his cacophonous speed metal records. I hate that noise. Lars? hmmm. I suggest we call off that threat level. oh? yeah, and maybe get Lars some head phones. for the, you know, safety of the planet, and all. you think the joint chiefs would agree? pretty sure, sir.

hey marvin, let's go out to the bar. no can do, man. I gotta get up early and drive over to the west side of the state. and you know how much I hate to drive. hey, it's no sweat. just pop in your phone and listen to tunes. the miles will just melt away. you think so? I know so. can you make me a playlist? what? you don't have a road-trip playlist? c'mon, man. I'll only need like 100 tunes, right? yeah, I'll just sit down and bang it out right now. I knew I could count on you. you sure 100 is enough? make it 200. I might get lost.

how's it going, earl? just another day, bob. know what I mean? how'd you like to spice it up a bit? how's that? there's this new drug. I think you'll like it. yeah? it'll give you a whole new perception on things. sounds interesting. you're not color blind by any chance, are you? not at all. good. that's real good.

may I help you? yes, I'm here about the rental. the what? don't you have an ad to rent this place? this place? why, uh. . . yes! absolutely! good. my only concern is the neighborhood. it's the best! you won't have any problems. none at all. that's good to hear. why, you won't even have to lock your doors. great! once you, you know, install some, I mean. oh, yeah. for sure. and maybe, I don't know, a floor. uh huh.

pizza delivery. you order a pizza? sorry, no, comrade. damn. say, what is this place? you really don't want to know. why not? the bodies. they are all buried in there. whose? enemies of the state. gee. who buried them? Народный комиссариат внутренних дел. what? the NKVD: People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs. never heard of it. lucky you, comrade. so who ordered this pizza? no idea. what's on it? anchovies and pineapple. yech. must be the ghost of that anti-Bolshevik, Boris Savinkov. you think? he always was a troublemaker. apparently he still is. certainly looks that way.

lord? yes, archangel? your trees are suffering, lord. on earth? how so? man. noxious fumes. over-development. humans have done this? to my beautiful trees? yes, lord. they're dying. along with many other creations. this is not acceptable, archangel. no, lord, it is not. well, I have plans for humans. nobody messes with my trees and gets away with it. are you thinking of summoning your avenging angel? no. I'll take care of this myself. like on alpha centauri 6. the former planet? the one that defines the term 'cataclysmic'? that's the one. it's burned into my memory, lord. burned is the appropriate verb, archangel. heat up the brimstone vats, please. yes, lord. extra sulphur. of course.

what's this line for? it's a show of solidarity. you know, for the workers. but why a line? well, we've been ordered to march to the capital and rally. ordered? by who? by the great leader, of course. but it's a holiday. what if you have other things to do? other things? what other things? the great leader says march, we march. how does that benefit the workers? you want to spend the next 20 years in the gulag? well, no. now you know the benefit.

what'll you have, stranger? whiskey, barkeep. straight up. and leave the bottle. where you call home? oh, not far from here, corner of bedlam and squalor. I think I know it. that's a pity. here's your bottle. you really gonna go through the whole thing? well, it's like this: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. now that you mention it, me too

good morning, comrade. what's new? I spoke to the commissar. oh? yeah. about the fact that we haven't gotten a pay raise for 5 years. was he receptive? I'm not sure. his words were, 'that does not matter.' so what do you think? I think we're out of luck, is what I think. yeah, that sounds about right.

hey, louie, you got quite a party going here. just a little get-together with a few of my closest friends. mind if I join in? you got an invite? well, no. sorry pal. maybe next year. gee. can I least warm this hot dog over the fire? hot dog, eh? ok, you're invited. thanks! go warm it up for me. and don't forget the mustard.

hello? is anybody home? what can I do for you? sorry, I couldn't find the door bell. I'm selling magazine subscriptions to get through college. do you live here? can't say live. it's an existence. perhaps Better Homes and Gardens would be perfect for you. you think it will help with this place? I doubt it, but you might like the pretty pictures. no thanks. you got Futility and Angst Monthly? of course. one of our best sellers in this neighborhood. what a surprise. yes, it's curious.

man, I hate crowds. me too. so what are we doing here? we came for the beer, remember? but I don't drink beer. and you can get me another one, thanks. now I know why I'm here. sharp as a tack, jerry, aintcha. no doubt

how are you today, lord? very well, archangel. just catching up on my reading. oh? what? humans' theories on the nature of the universe, the speed of light, that kind of thing. they've got some interesting ideas, don't they? quite. one of these days, maybe they'll realize that the speed of light is irrelevant. it's the speed of darkness that's the key to everything. care to give them a hint? hey, I've been giving them hints for millennia. let them figure it out. that is, if they can ever stop killing each other. they are a violent race, aren't they. it's idiotic. but that's their problem. anyway, I have other things to think about. I'm having dinner with zeus and artemis tonight. oh? where? their place. olympus. it's a little quaint, but the clouds are nice. shall I call for a chariot? no need. I already ordered an uber. so convenient. works for me.

hello comrade arkady, how was the committee meeting? terrible, sergei sergeivich. just terrible. in fact, there's going to be a purge. what? how awful! I thought we got over that after comrade Stalin died! millions of innocents slaughtered! families wiped out! no. . . a whole generation destroyed! not that kind of purge you idiot! the food they serve at these meetings. it's not fit for animals! they're all throwing up in there. the food? oh. that's, uh, too bad. well, let's go have a drink! now you're talking, comrade.

slave! I desire mead! yes, my lord ba'al. but lord, why are you riding this human public transportation? I am traveling incognito through this realm, taking stock of my adoring and abundant worshipers. if only they knew who was among them. yes, and speaking of stock, how is my stable of virgins? depleted, my lord. badly depleted. you are. . . . voracious. silence slave! you may not judge my appetites! by the way, where did you get that nice shirt you're wearing? this? why thank you lord. I found it on sale at the mall. on sale? you must take me there. I have need of updating my outfits. there's great bargains at the mall, lord. excellent! this velour muscle shirt clashes with my jewelry. it does set off your manly physique though. you really think so? still hairy after 3,000 years. your comb-over is well-preserved too, I must say. I am truly awesome. keep the mead coming. certainly, o hirsute one.

hello all you terminal insomniacs out there. I'm your radio host through the night, with a special treat for you, live post-punk from savages, and their cult favorite, fuckers. ah, dwayne? can you hear me in the booth? yeah jerry, what is it? I'm trying to do a show here. you can't say that word on the radio. what word, jerry? you know, the f-word? you can't say that. it violates our broadcast charter. what? but that's the name of the fucking song, jerry! I know, dwayne, but we have our license to consider. we lose that, we're off the air. ok, I won't say it. I'll just say the name of the song, ok? what song? you know, 'fuckers.' are we on the air right now? we fucking are, jerry. we have been this whole time. fuck.