My Life Is in Ruins

good morning, madam. yeah? whaddya want? I represent Acme Roofing, and we are running a spring special on home roof repairs! you sayin' my roof is bad, mister? not at all madam! only I couldn't help but notice what appears to be a slight, er. . . opening, in the structure. you see. no shit. only one? well, I can't be certain. I'd have to go up on it and make a closer examination. you bring a parachute? why, uh, no. I wouldn't try it then, I was you. you'll step right through it real quick. be back to earth faster than a duck on a june bug. I see your point, madam, thank you. maybe some other day. good thinkin'.

attention! at ease, men. I need a volunteer. let's see. . . how about you? me sir? your name? Parts, sir! Private Otto Parts. ok, Private, here's the deal. I need you to go behind enemy lines and establish contact with our agent. can you do it? sir! yes sir! once you do, you give this note to her. her, sir? yes! is that a problem, Parts? no sir. not at all, sir. this note must not fall into enemy hands, Private! that is critical! understood?! yes sir! but what if I'm, you know, captured? sir? you eat the note! here it is. but it's the size of a book! sir. you eat it, Private Parts! I don't care if you smother it in butter and fry it up with eggs, but you eat it! am I clear? perfectly, sir! uh, eggs, sir? you can take a few with you. really? but don't break them! you got that? can I bring a little pepper, too? sir? why don't you just take my chef, Private? wow, could I? are you an idiot, Private?! sir! no sir! good. you had me worried.

good morning, herr doktor. ah, there you are, my boy. just in time to help with my demonstration. of what? how proctologists can minimize the chance that their colonoscopy patients will suddenly explode! what? now pull down your pants and bend over. doktor! what is that thing? it's. . . huge! this, er. . . probe? mein gott! it's quite heavy. but don't worry! you'll hardly feel the pain. eventually. but. . . ! butt is right! (hmmm. that reminds me: I'll soon need another assistant.) you will? to clean up the mess, of course! the things we do for science!

hey, man, you got anything to sell? no, dude, I'm all out, sorry. come back next week. c'mon! I can't wait that long! too bad. now get on outta here. for sure you got some of that special mix hidden away. you want me to invade my private stash? no way. damn. that's cold. tough shit. you'll live. I hate drinking milk straight! yeah, the best chocolate makes the best cookies. it do. it definitely do.

hey comrade. you going to the party? what party? you gotta go! all the guys are gonna be there! yeah? who's all the guys? you know: joey stalin; vlad lenin; karl marx; leon. . . leon? who's he? trotsky. oh. I dunno. those guys are kind of a drag. rosa luxembourg will be there too. rosa? she is a total babe! ok, I'm there. good. you bring the beer. me? why me? because those other guys are complete deadbeats. that is so true.

darling, it's a great day for a walk, don't you think? sorry, not now. I'm too busy with spring clean-up. ok. what time will you be finished? you mean what year, don't you? uh, year? and move your car. it's blocking the garbage hauler.

what's happening? I'm waiting. for what? for the portal to open. portal? to where? you may not want to know. but I do! sure? yeah! stand here. ok. what's gonna happen? nothing. nothing? to me. but you're about to become my mindless entertainment for the day.

eddie's here, boss. you wanna talk to him? did he bring the thing? he says he don't got it no more. then no. take him over there. what should I do with him? see to it nobody talks to him. you mean, like ever again? what, do I gotta spell it out for you? no boss. I get the idea. good. do it, then bring me a cannoli. you want coffee with that? yeah. and no cannoli for eddie. I guess he's had his last meal. yeah, and I hope he enjoyed it. do you? not really.

do you believe in heaven and hell? no, but I believe in you and me. I think god would approve of that. me too. so we should get to heaven, right? probably not from here, though. no, probably not.

ok, mrs. lubner, it's all done. let me see. . . what the hell is this? isn't it awesome? you call that a paint job? well, yeah, among other things. are you nuts? I guess they didn't tell you. I'm the antihero in this movie. that explains a lot. don't it though.

hey, archie, whatcha doin'? oh, hi earl. just hangin' out, you know. is this where you live, man? yeah. nice, eh? you kiddin'? it's a dump! what, your hole in the ground is better? we're wolves, man! we're supposed to live in nature! not in. . . . not in. . . this. actually, I just pulled a very nice persian rug out of a dumpster. I think it'll look great in here. you know, that might actually work. totally. so, you gonna be howlin' at the moon tonight? does today end in a y? it does. so you know the answer. cool. see you there. got it.

the new air raid shelter is finished, major. excellent. let's have a look. hardened steel installed? as per your specs, sir. 6 foot cement walls? absolutely. extra-thick ceiling cap, with no openings? no open. . . what the. . . ? wait a minute! are those. . . holes in the ceiling of my bunker, corporal? uh, yes, sir. that's what they look like. sir. it's completely open! what is the meaning of this outrage?! we, uh, thought you'd like some. . . decorative touches. sir. decorative touches?! are you serious? we can change them, sir. we could, ah, make them a little more, uh, square. sir. square? you think that would be more appropriate, design-wise? oh, yes, sir. certainly sir. they would match your buttons! hmmm. they would at that. very well. see to it, corporal. right away, sir! who'd have thought? a tiny little decorative touch can go a long away, right? yes sir! very much so, sir!

centurion: alert the crew that we are approaching earth. yes, master. we'll dock in the middle of that city. won't we be spotted? I mean, we're an arcturan star cruiser. have no fear. the new design of our craft is perfect. the humans will never even see us. we'll be. . . invisible. it is somewhat unconventional, isn't it, master? you think? the ship was built to look like one of their many abandoned auto factories. we'll fit right in! as they say, when in rome, do as the romans do. we're not going to rome, centurion. not even close. it's just a figure of speech, master. learn another. and say nice things about detroit. I do, I do! all the time.

what's up man? actually, I'm getting the band back together again. band? what band? you're not a musician. the weatherman. from the old days. those guys? don't tell anyone. it's a secret. you've already been a fugitive once. you wanna be one again? the world has gone nuts. especially here. I know. hell, everybody knows. so, can I join? sure, just go to our web site. web site? your underground group has a web site? hey. it's all marketing. know what I mean? the world truly is nuts, alright. I know. have your credit card ready.

look, dear, the girl scouts are selling cookies. let's get some. go ahead if you want. but I don't see a future in it. what? it's cookies! I'm just a little pessimistic today, sorry. what about? oh, armageddon. the end of the world, that sort of thing. whatever brought that on? dunno. must have had too many blueberries on my pancakes this morning. that'll do it, all right. I'm sure it has nothing to do with those incoming contrails. what? where? forget it. we better eat those cookies. before they melt.

I'm answering your job ad. ok. it demands the utmost perseverance, dedication and skill, 24-7, with no benefits. what do I gotta do? take care of this place. who's been doing it up to now? me. and I have the highest standards. really? you sure? well, I sometimes disappoint myself. so, any tips? just this: don't set any fires. why not? it attracts the neighbors. there's neighbors? they howl at the moon, and love fresh meat. so they're friendly? you can say that.

you wanna get a drink later? can't afford to. I have a meeting. really? talk is cheap. it's with my lawyer. so, not so much.

good morning, herr doktor. good morning, my boy. did you notice how warm it is today? yes, it's brutally hot out there. it's my ozone collector! it's working, collecting prodigious amounts of ozone, to store in my unique pressure chamber. are you saying. . . yes! it is I who now controls the climate! but why would you want to do that? to be king of the world! ha ha! but what will happen to the earth? earth? a minor footnote in the history of the cosmos! that sounds a little extreme, doktor, I mean. . . I'll be rolling in money! it's party time!! oh my god. I fear for the planet. I'm gonna shake that. . . er, what do you call it? you mean, booty? yes! it must be shaken!