My Life Is in Ruins

whatcha up to, maurice? nothin'. just watching my team go down in flames. they suck, don't they. yeah. too bad for them. yeah? how come for them? how come is because I had money on their sorry asses, and they ain't even gonna make the play-offs. you sound like a sore loser. not as sore as these guys are gonna be. they're dead meat. you mean that figuratively, of course, right? I wouldn't assume that. oh. not so good for them, is it? not good at all.

are the virgins here? yes, my lord ba'al. and are they. . . um. . . excited? naturally, lord. who wouldn't be, to have the honor of being sacrificed for you? true, true. one thing, though. they want to. . . drop acid first. they what? to lose their minds, they say. so as to improve the experience, I assume? I'm sure, lord. their devotion to me is so gratifying. it goes without saying. indeed. but you can say it anyway. of course, lord.

the machine is ready, herr doktor. excellent my boy! throw the switch! doktor! the building! it's vibrating! hah! my theory is correct! in seconds this structure will cease to exist altogether! at least in this dimension! but. . . what about us? you mean you. my protective shield insulates me from the machine's effects. brilliant, eh? haha! and. . . me? you? oh. hmmm. maybe I'll figure out a way to bring you back. back? from where? who knows! but wherever it is, have a nice trip!

police line. no crossing. I just want to know what happened in there. I can't disclose that. it's too awful. c'mon. give me something! I'm a reporter! worst case I ever saw. that's all I can say. did they catch whoever did it? they know. but they don't care. what? what do you mean? I mean, a crime took place, and nobody cares. was anybody hurt? you could say that. where's the body? you're lookin' at it. what? that? the building? like I say. worst case I ever saw. I think I may agree with you.

what are we doing here, herr doktor? my boy, we are about to engage in a great experiment! it will challenge the very nature of our universe! do you need me to prepare a scientific protocol? no need! I have it right here! I found it this morning. you. . . found it? yes! the secrets of all creation! in my breakfast cereal! amazing! you were eating fruit loops, weren't you? as a matter of fact, yes! let me guess: with bourbon? even better: butterscotch schnapps. Prost! of course.

he's here. who's here? you know. no he's not. yes he is. I can feel it. hey, don't kid around about something like that. you're freaking me out. I'm not kidding. he told me he'd be here, and he is. he told you? how? he sent me a text. you text with him? are you friends? he has no friends. I told him I'd bring him a treat. treat? what kind of treat? you. I'm the treat? are you nuts? maybe. but don't turn around. why not? you're not gonna like what you're about to see.

sit right here, paulie. ok, sal. but why are you tying me up? I got bad news. it's boss' orders. how long do I gotta be here? I got more bad news: as long it takes for this building to fall down. gee, it kinda looks like it could fall down any second. yeah, it do. let me guess, you got even more bad news? yeah. I'm leaving. you're staying. I gotta agree with you. yeah? about what? you're giving me a lot of very bad news. yeah. it's too bad. you're telling me.

lord? yes, archangel, what is it? time to consider your winter vacation again. have you found us a place? you know what I like. your favorite lakeshore is snowed in, lord. however, I found something else. oh? what is it? it's very spacious, lots of light. you could say cozy. almost. sounds good. just needs a little sweeping up, is all. baal's not the owner, is he? oh, no. not at all. ok, good. I hate getting robbed by that guy. I know, lord. anything else would be paradise. I'm sure you'll be pleased. so, no sand toys? not this time, I'm afraid. asbestos maybe, but no sand. oh well. I'm sure the place has other fine qualities. I'm sure.

are you busy tonight, shirley? no, harry. why do you ask? I want to take you out. that's nice. where? I'm thinking of a little place I know. very quiet. ok. what do they serve? well, actually, they don't serve anything anymore. if they ever did. like I say, it's very quiet. how quiet? like a tomb. sounds a little creepy. yes, well, that's part of its charm. if you say so. I do.

geez, I can't keep my eyes off him. yeah, pretty creepy, ain't he? quiet! he'll hear you! no way! and you know what'll happen next. what? he'll tweet your ass to death. c'mon. he's all-powerful. he doesn't have time for that kind of childish nonsense. I know it's absurd. but it's his thing! so you're saying he's, like, an immature blowhard with narcissistic personality disorder? pathetic, isn't it? we are so screwed. tell me about it.

you sure this is the hotel? totally. it's right here on my GPS. but where's the valet? we have to carry our own bags? aw, quit your whining. he's probably on a coffee break. I hope we get a nice room. one with a view. from the look of it, I'd say most rooms are gonna have a view. you think? pretty sure.

what's its name? they call it 'fat man.' weird name. what does it do? rules my world. lucky guy.

smithers, it's come to my attention that your orders have gone up by over 50%. yes sir. very good. I'm rewarding you with an executive window office. really, sir? gee, that's swell. you've earned it. just one thing, sir: will there be actual glass in the, you know, window. sir? what's that? now don't go overboard on me, smithers. we don't need any radical employee activism around here. no sir. of course not sir. now get back to work. and you better button up that coat. it's winter out there, you know. yes sir. and maybe find a wool hat too. right away sir.

may I help you? yes, I received this subpoena to appear. very well, take a seat. your name will be called. a seat? there's no chairs. are you trying to cause trouble? me? not at all. I'm just pointing out a fact. fact? what fact? that there's no chairs. is that your opinion? no! that's not an opinion! it's the truth! can you read that sign on the wall? yes. 'Truth is Lies.' it would be best for you to remember that. now take a seat. certainly, Miss Conway.

you summoned me, General? did I? what's your name? Parts, sir. Private Otto Parts. Private Parts? I have a mission for you. yes sir! a vital. . . son, your uniform is unzipped. you want to take care of that? oh, uh, sorry sir. for a second there, I thought you were just happy to see me. not at all sir! I mean, yes sir! very well. now then. Private Parts! are you ready for an important and delicate mission? sir! yes sir! your nation needs you, Private! so keep it up! but keep it zipped. got it? got it sir! good.

how do you suppose things got to be like this? who knows? god has a plan. except for defectives like you, of course. me? whaddya mean? you musta been born a bad seed, is all I can figure. really? does it show? well, yeah! not that I mind, but you might want to consider changing your shroud once in a while. but I do! every other year. whether it needs it or not. I bet that gets you a lot of dates. it does! not with real girls, of course. awesome.

just say it. I can't! c'mon. it's reality. the thought of that makes me want to puke. you can do it. here we go: Pres. . . Pres. . President. . . c'mon. President Tru. . . no! it's too painful! why is this happening?! alright, take a rest. we'll finish later. we're finished now, man. I hear that.

lord, remember back when real men carried spears? ah, those were the days, archangel. man, we had fun then, didn't we? all that fire and brimstone. miracles. you name it. we pretty much ran the show. well, except for that one so-called god, ba'al. yeah. ba'al. what a turd. and that name! too weird. he had alot of 'em fooled there, for awhile. until we ran him off. yeah. now he's selling used cars in paterson, new jersey. there's a god for you. no doubt. say, pass me a lightning bolt, would you? this one? yeah. I feel a little . . . archaic. if you know what I mean. hey, go for it. you are the lord. that's a fact. a real fact, lord. true that.