My Life Is in Ruins

good morning, herr doktor. ah, there you are my boy. recovered from our last experiment, have you? almost, thanks. good! just sit here. what now, doktor? we are testing my new theory on the reception and detection of pseudo-profound bullshit. how will we do that? simple! you're going to watch the president's latest news conference. no! that will be so painful! true, but we'll be swamped with data, believe me.

I've been visiting your garden, lord. which one is that, archangel? you know, earth. what was once a garden, anyway. not so much now, in many places. no, but I still find beauty, even in the devastation. I'm glad you do. because humans are making a mess of it. they try one's patience, don't they? some do. I don't think I need to name names. anyway, it may not be an issue for long. oh? do you have plans I should know about lord? we'll see. let's just say I've been practicing. with a stray asteroid. practicing, lord? you know, tossing it around here and there. staying in shape?. exercise is healthy, I've heard. humans may not find it very healthy one of these days. I doubt I'll seek their opinion in the matter. no surprise there, lord.

hey louie, boss has a thing he wants us to do. wait! I'm meditating. I'll be at harmonic convergence in a sec! yo. meditate on this: boss wants this thing done now. I gotta be in the right frame of mind. you'll be in the right frame of mind alright, with your brains all over the floor. now that you mention it, I think my harmony's good. get that robe off, put your gun on, and let's move. you got the chips? in the car. all is perfect in the world, then. not for the guy we're going to see. right. maybe not for him.

I am so tired, maurice. moi aussie, pierre. tired of all of. . . zis. why don't we. . . you think we should, pierre? yes, why not. ok. fire ze missiles. bon voyage, mes amis. à bientôt. maybe not in zis life. oui, pierre. comme si comme ça.

what's the plan? whaddya mean? all of a sudden, there's gotta be a plan? well, yeah. isn't that how we do thngs? no that isn't how we do things. we do things that are inherent to our nature. that are what? and because of that, we don't need a plan. you get it? not really. that's ok, because you wouldn't get the plan, either. I wouldn't? I don't think so. it's your nature not to. so that's good then? might as well be.

I'd like to speak to the complaint department. what seems to be the problem? I am not satisfied with the service I'm getting here. what's wrong with it? what's wrong is that there is no service. none. none you say? what service are you looking for? I need a rail ticket to L.A. I want the express. do you now? unfortunately, that train doesn't stop here anymore. what? nor any other train, for that matter. since when? since, oh, about 30 years ago. I had no idea. yeah. it's hard to tell by looking around, isn't it? damn. you coulda fooled me. no kidding.

good morning, herr doktor. say, have you seen murray today? murray? why, er, yes, I have. do you know where he is? not exactly. but I do know where he isn't. what? he agreed to help me test my new invention, you see. what invention? it's a little device that captures and eviscerates mass protons. sounds interesting. but where's murray? well, he was right over there. but, as you can see, he's not there now. you mean. . . my god! what happened to him? actually, I'm not really sure. I need to run further tests. further. . . ? yes. you aren't busy right now, are you, my boy? me? why, no. I mean, yes! very busy! this will only take a minute, I promise. but what about murray? if you happen to see him, or some form of him, be sure and say hello for me.

hey, eddie. boss says watch this guy. how come? he do something? who knows? boss just says hold him. like actually hold him? he going somewhere? we ain't taking that chance. understand? yeah, I get it. but where's he gonna go? it's where you're gonna go, you screw up. fine. gimme that bucket and some cement. now put his feet in it. whoa. aren't you being a little extreme? hey, extreme this. you want him to stay put? he's staying put. we clear? perfectly.

you have a meeting with the joint chiefs, mr. president. you like my cufflinks? from my days at the military academy. oh? they'll impress those guys. you'll impress the joint chiefs. . . with cufflinks? they'll beg to give me a parade. they will? bigly. like Putin's and little rocket man's. I. . . don't know what to say. totally old school, eh? and mine will be the biggest and best parade ever, believe me. somehow I have no doubt. what do those military guys know that I don't know? sir, it's becoming increasingly clear every day

good morning, herr doktor. ah, there you are, my boy. just in time to stand in for your erstwhile counterpart. murray? is he still working here? well, he was. you can find him over there. where? here? there's only a circle of ice on the floor. not ice. ice-9. the murray version of ice-9, to be exact. he accidentally came in contact with it while holding that metal prong. what happened to him? well, as you know, ice-9 is a polymorph of water which melts at the elevated temperature of 45.8 °C, or 114.4 °F. When it comes in contact with liquid water below that temperature, it becomes supercooled. so? it acts as a seed crystal and causes the solidification of the entire body of water, which instantly crystallizes as more ice-9. but what about murray? well, like everyone else, he was mostly water. so. . . . ? so, naturally, he crystalized when he touched it, and that's what's left of him. my god! he was about to make me some coffee. but now you're here, so. . . you don't mind, do you? um, I guess not. with cream and sugar, thanks.

good morning, mrs. lubner. can billy come out and play? hi joey. here he comes. what are you boys up to today? we're fixing up the new clubhouse. it's gonna be real neat! new clubhouse? where is it? oh, not too far. just. . . down the road. a bit. well don't do anything dangerous. no way. there's hardly any rebar! only a couple holes in the floor! I think you're teasing me, young man. ha ha, that's right. say, billy doesn't happen to have a jackhammer, does he? a what? never mind.

what is this place? you mean you don't know? oh my god! are we in hell? we're in hell! aren't we? dude. relax. we're not in hell. get it together. when did we die? oh god. I miss my family. you're not dead. you've had too much to drink. I never got to say goodbye. sob. ok, we're outta here. remind me not to bring you again. you think they'll pray for me? someone should. you need it.

we have to take a stand. and tonight is the night. I'm glad you think so. the odds are against us. nevertheless, this carnage has to stop. right here. right now. good luck with that. I know. there's thousands of them out there. and they all want the same thing. they're relentless! trick or treat! which means treats, of course. man, I hate halloween. yeah. that candy should be mine. all mine! you mean ours, don't you? have we met?

he's in here somewhere. yeah, but how are we gonna find him, sir? your orders are to search the whole place. yes, sir. and while you're at it, destroy everything you find. ah, sir? isn't that a little redundant? hmmm. I see what you're saying. ok, new orders: um. . . search. got it. nice and simple. just how we like it. that's what they say. they do?

is it safe? god knows. is he saying? not to me, he ain't.

what's he told you? nuthin' boss. not a thing. that won't last. he'll break. I dunno boss. he's a tough one. he's about to see that we're tough too. get me? you mean. . . exactly. you got the tool. use it. gee, I don't know. isn't it outlawed by, you know, the Geneva Convention or something? what're you, an expert on international law now? no boss. me neither. use it. he'll talk. but it's so. . . icky. I hate candy corn too. why else d'you think we have so much of it lyin' around? stuff makes me wanna puke. I almost feel sorry for the guy. you wanna eat that stuff yourself? me? no way! then go do it. it's fool-proof. the poor son-of-a-bitch don't know what's about to happen to him. I wouldn't wanna be him, that's for sure. for sure.

hey guido, the sign on this building says 'Facilitators and Mediators.' what does that mean? we help people resolve conflicts with each other. you mean, people hire you guys to do that for them? yeah, sure. that's what I do. you? don't make me laugh. you whack people. that usually resolves the conflict, doesn't it? well, yeah, permanently. you got a problem with that? me? no way, man. didn't think so.

I couldn't live here. who's asking you to? oh, I was just trying to anticipate your next question. yeah? so what's my next one after that? am I hungry? right! and what's your answer? I'm starved. good. let's eat. well that was easy. hey, it's not rocket science, you know.