After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15

He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7

He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ''Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away''. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4

Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15

Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ''Why can't you people just leave me alone?'' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10

While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3

Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6

In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed ''OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!''

15.October 22

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,and then yelled very loudly, ''Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'' One of the Staff passed out.