Like any good pirate I enjoy a little looting and piracy and if I can raise the Jolly Roger and sack a new ship, well so much the better. It takes all the fun out it, however, if someone raises the alarm. Sunday was just such a time. I’d gone on a raid, anchored the ship and took out the lifeboat; it wasn’t too busy and I had fun swashbuckling my way around the place, leaping from aisle to aisle, and generally causing mayhem on a quiet Sunday afternoon. My arms were full of tasty products just vying for someone’s attention in the galley.

As I exited from the raid, the alarms sounded. I toyed with making a spirited dash to the ship, and had my hand on my cutlass when I espied two beefy landlubbers making their way to me at speed. I could have taken them down, but they looked like they might have enjoyed that and the one had an angry scar the length of his cheek no doubt from a previous pirate encounter. I quickly hid my cutlass under my long coat and awaited their arrival. I gave them a saucy wave and asked why the noise. A scurvy dog who had served me had neglected to swipe a special code on some meat I had purchased. The beefy landlubbers retreated hurriedly, apologising profusely; they could obviously tell I wasn’t to be toyed with like some comely wench in a tavern. I quickly found the scurvy dog, noted he was young and inexperienced, but that’s no excuse so I captured him, tied him up with some handy rope, and marched him off to the ship. Once I’d set sail, I found some shark infested waters and proceeded to make him walk the plank.

He made it to the end of the plank, entreating me to be merciful. What the h3ll, it was Sunday after all, so I spared his life. He’s now chained up in the galley where he’ll cook meals for the Cabin Boy and me, and of course he can wash up too. Later I may find other uses for him…

After a few nips of rum I climbed up to the crow’s nest, spotted the next destination, and hollered for the Cabin Boy to steer north-west. With us back on course I laid low in my hammock and slept off the rum and dreamt of rum babas, rum and raisin ice cream, and bananas cooked in rum whilst the sea slowly rocked me. A good day.