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the dear leader's new underlings were sworn in today. are they competent? they have the usual qualifications, for sure. you mean they're the absolute worst choices to run the country? yeah. that's what I mean. just shoot me now. damn. I was going to ask you. beat you to it.

hey buddy, I suggest you don't stand there. why not? you're right under the edge. yeah? so? so, something is about to hit the ground from up there. what? you should have said who. somebody's gonna fall off the overpass? not exactly fall. and he'll be a body, alright. geez. ok. I'm moving. tell me when it's over. you'll know. he'll be screaming all the way down.

I'd point that thing somewhere's else, if'n I was you. yeah? well I ain't afraid of you. maybe not. but my little friend, you should be afraid of him. yeah? what's his name? colt. that's a name? colt .45. you're about to meet him. actually, I'd rather not. first intelligent thing you've said today. and here's the second. I'm outta here. you're not as dumb as I thought, pilgrim. how'd you know my name? just a guess.

what's up, fern? I'm busy, leroy. can't talk. busy doing what? on twitter. a lot of morons out there needin' to be set straight. that a fact? rest of your shit is in order then? sure it is! well, I spose I could maybe use another mattress. is that all? somethin' you tryin' to say? oh no. just glad I don't tweet is all. don't wanna get on the bad side of a heavy hitter like you. you got that right.

Ig Nobel Prize good morning, herr doktor, how are you? my boy! isn't it marvelous? I've won the greatest prize of all! you mean a Nobel prize? better! I've won the far rarer and more prestigious Ig Nobel prize! Ig Nobel? great! I guess. what did you win for? for my revolutionary demonstration that the problem of illegally parked luxury cars can be solved by running them over with an armored tank! yeah, I remember that experiment. it was so. . . groundbreaking. caused a bit of a stir in the neighborhood too. indeed! I preferred your experiment for advising colonoscopy doctors how to minimize the chance that their patients will suddenly explode. that was. . . illuminating. yes, if somewhat messy. but never mind that! we must celebrate! sure! with champagne? actually, I thought we'd sweep up in the lab a bit. you think it needs it? maybe a little.

dude! there's a party! c'mon! whose is it? who cares! let's go! we'll get wasted! didn't we get thrown out last night trying to pull that? what's your point? you got me there.

I can see it. see what? the promised land. and I mean to get there one day. well, good luck with that. in the meantime, what I want is to get outta here. me too, actually. is that a promise? sure.

this place'll work. let's take it. you nuts? it's been totally stripped. exactly. room to spare. but we don't need any room. the kitchen will go over there. the pantry too. you gonna be cooking? no. you are. oh? and what'll you be doing? going out. call me when dinner's ready. something about that don't sound fair. hey, life's a bitch. know what I mean? it's getting more obvious all the time. tell me about it.

hey, walt, how's the white house job going? can't talk, ed. big purge. really? still more firings? what a shit circus! no, I mean me. I'm gonna throw up any second. oh! sorry! the chaos at work literally makes me sick. do you need, I dunno. . . a bucket? the hell with that. I'm doing it in the rose garden. isn't the prez like, speaking there? exactly.

hey roy, let's go eat. sure. you drive. ok. car's right here. what? in there? yeah. there a problem? I mean, they let you? it's mine. don't need permission. cool. taxes are a bitch though. tell me about it. yeah? that tower over there is not cheap. c'mon! I gave you a good price. yeah, but still.

what's up, earl? nothing much, vern. how's the ride? I'm liking it. you ever gonna paint it? what do you mean, vern? I mean it don't seem to have no paint job. here's the thing, vern. the car goes so fast, atmospheric friction strips the paint right off. you don't say. and another thing. eat shit, vern. that fast, eh? believe it.

how was confession, stanley? actually, edna, it was great! really? yeah! father herb told me that all those things we aren't a sin! what? none of them? just about! can you believe it? not even. . . you know. not even that! the lord doesn't care! who knew? wow. and what about that other thing? you mean. . . ? yeah. father herb says forget it. that's a sin. definitely. it is? yeah. but screw it! that's what confession is for, right? yay!

stanley, it's garbage day today. yes, edna? why are you telling me? the garbage needs to be taken out! but, edna, that's what we have servants for. remember? that's all and good, stanley, but the garbage hasn't been taken out, and today is pick-up. so. . . so. . . what, exactly, edna? so would you take out the garbage stanley? how clear do I have to be? that was very clear. where, uh, do I take it? the curb stanley! my god, have you never had to do a thing in your life? do I have to answer that, edna? and don't forget the recyclables. the. . . what? I mean, ok.

filbert, do you have the latest projections? yes, sir. production quotas will definitely meet our expectations this quarter. good. what about next quarter. well, we're anticipating a slight downturn in sales. due to market factors. sir. I don't like that filbert. I don't like that at all. me neither, sir. but it's the global market. I built this enterprise to affect the market. not the other way around. you get me? loud and clear sir. ok then. now get out there and do something about it. I expect to see an improved projection within a week. a week. very good sir. don't let me down, filbert. you've got a good future here. thank you sir. or did until today. yes sir.

welcome, my son. but the service has ended. that's ok, padre, I'm here for the fish fry. I'm sorry, there's no fish fry. what? I thought all churches do that. almost. not here though. just my dumb luck. pick a church with no fish fry. ain't that a bitch. however, you could join us in our daily bible class. followed by milk and cookies? we could probably arrange that. I'm a believer. count me in.

what are all these civilians doing here, corporal? civilians? they're, ah, tourists, captain. sir. tourists? in this military facility? ridiculous! ah, yes sir. we're, ah, decommissioned, sir. what? on whose orders? we could be under siege at any moment! that's why we have our cannons trained on the. . . on the. . . . where the hell are all our cannons? um, probably taken to a museum? or melted down? or something. why wasn't I informed of this!? it's all on the fort's web site, sir. web site, did you say? what's a web site? I want those cannons back. AND our cannon balls! do you understand me, corporal? yes, sir. can't have one without the other, sir. I guess. the very idea! send a telegram! President Hayes needs to be informed! what is this world coming to?

you summoned me, lord ba'al? yes. why isn't the divine remodeling I ordered complete? we are striving to comply, lord, but. . . where is the red flock wallpaper? the pink and green chintz curtains? my marble likenesses in extreme flagrante delicto? the artisans are hard at work, but. . . I had to down tons of viagra to model for those, you know. it will be an unparalleled shrine to your amazing taste, o craven one. in fact, I'm still a little, you know, tender. we pray for the health of your. . . thing, lord. yes, well, that's good.

good morning, herr doktor. my boy! I've done it! done what, doktor? I've proven that life existed before earth was formed! that's impossible. not at all! it's true! but that means. . . yes! we are all aliens! then where did we come from? who knows! possibly a bacteria-like organism, or even simple nucleotides from an older part of the galaxy! really? possibly reaching earth by hitchhiking an inter-stellar ride on a comet, asteroid, or other organic space debris! ha ha! life existed before earth. wow. so what do we do about it? what else my boy? drink! I love these discoveries. me too! pass the vodka!