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crime scene

I'd like to open an account. very well. is this your first time at our bank? no. I've had accounts here before, but they were all. . . purged. purged? I don't understand. you took the money. how unfortunate. I assume there was a good reason. there was. the bank I robbed didn't like me earning interest on their money. not that I blame them. yes, of course. how much do you wish to deposit today? all of it in this paper bag. I haven't had time to count it. in fact, I don't want to touch it. no? I hate that exp…

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doublethink

I love our new freedoms. me too. we can now say two plus two equals five. you don't doubt that, do you? me? no way! uh, am I speaking into a microphone? probably.

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Ba'al Game

slave! I'm ready to view my new pleasure palace! yes, lord. here it is. ah! at last! the artisans created a ridiculous mixture of Burmese, Indian, Persian and Chinese motifs, hoping at least some of them would satisfy your endless lust for overstatement. I know that! you think I don't know that?! and when the result was insufficiently insane, they ingested massive doses of LSD to increase the overall intensity. far out! your obvious concern for their health is laudable, o callous one. they all sustained b…

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Post-Truth

may I help you? I'm here for the committee hearing. I'm sorry, it already concluded. there must be a mistake. I am to give testimony about what happened. let me see. ah yes. the committee deemed your testimony superfluous, and rendered its decision. how could that be? place your hands behind your back. handcuff him. what is this? you've been found guilty as charged. guilty? but I haven't been charged with anything! charged, tried and convicted. where's my due process? what about the truth! truth is irrele…

low-life

see that guy? what guy? that one. the one with the gun. no. what's he doing? he's making a very big mistake. what kind of mistake? he's got it pointed at my cousin, vinny. no shit? get down there and take care of him. take care of him how? so that he will never need taking care of again. know what I mean? that's pretty clear. I thought you'd understand.

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Artificial Intelligence

what are you doing today? I got a big test tomorrow. getting ready. so you're gonna hit the books? books? no way. I have a very good memory. the best ever. but you've read the material, right? no, I don't read. so how are you planning to pass this test? I have a lot of words. more than anyone. that's it? it's gotten me this far. that is so depressingly true.

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Trade Mission

on behalf of our government, let me welcome you Americans to our country. thanks, we're here to promote mutual trade. we want to make the best deals. if I may ask, what do you have that we might want? oh, we have all kinds of things to sell you. in fact, we brought samples. your president can light up any of them. light up? you brought. . . are those drugs? the best! he's gonna love it! but drugs are illegal! not if the president uses them, right? what do you mean? if the president does it, it can't be ille…

Pharmacology

what kind of pill was that you gave me? I dunno, why. oh, nothing. it just looks like this is gonna be a weird day.

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The Usual Crowd

the guests should be arriving soon, Stanley. who's invited, Edna? oh, the usual crowd. great. that moronic bunch of freeloaders? your family. that's what I meant.
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