As a not-so-scurvy pirate, I consider it my duty to make walk the plank all those that the authorities don’t consider worth catching, or are not able to due to lack of funds. I have a long list, and therefore a long line of scurvy dogs ready to walk the plank into shark infested waters.

There are those that leave rubbish in bags for weeks knowing full well the bin crew won’t take it if it isn’t in a wheelie bin. After 2 weeks of walking past it, I carried it to my own bin and deposited it rather than keep looking at it. They’re at the head of the line.

Then there are those that don’t clean up their dog mess. As a dog owner myself, it makes me see red! Ahead of those are the ones who clean up, then leave the plastic bag filled with excrement on the pavement (sidewalk) or even fling it into the trees! That’s worse, in my mind, than just leaving it for the weather to deal with.

I’ll add to the list those that feel it appropriate to beep their car horn in the early hours of the morning, or after 11 at night. Totally unacceptable.

Maybe the head of the list should be the ‘travellers’ who have moved onto private land locally, disrupted that person’s business, and are already leaving a mess that we tax payers will have to pay for when, finally, the law is able to make them move on. Oh, just don’t get me started…

I’m not sleeping well and spend most nights tossing and turning in my hammock, hence my pithy attitude above.

I’ve been watching Death in Paradise on Netflix and absolutely love the look of the fabled island in the series. It’s filmed in Guadeloupe and looks beautiful. I’m not totally heartless, so I’ll take the scurvy dogs there and let them enjoy the fantastic scenery and blue seas as they fall to their depths into the briny. I could play The Conga whilst they jiggle along the plank, make a party of it! Those that are too slow, or don’t keep up with the tempo, will be gently prodded with the tip of my cutlass, just to ensure nobody has to wait too long. Who says we can’t have fun?

After performing my perceived civic duty, I could then sit and drink rum in a beach-side café and just admire the scenery whilst swiping at the occasional fly with my cutlass. I’m sure sea food will be abundant, so at long last maybe I’ll try a fruit de mer platter. Goodness, I’m warming to this idea. I could walk bare-foot on the glorious sands, cool my feet in the gently lapping waves, sup a rum cocktail to ensure I stay hydrated in the heat, and lean against palm trees whilst a dashingly handsome pirate fans me with a palm leaf. He’d have to be shirtless, so that I could quietly admire his tan, his 6-pack, and biceps. After a hard day fetching me rum cocktails, he could reside in the Ship and fix the leaky tap, do some much-needed decorating, and generally make himself useful.

The Deckhand could stay on the ship and look after the Ship’s Dog who I’m sure would find it far too hot for his liking though I think he’d have endless fun jumping off the side of the ship into the sea to keep cool; the dog that is, not the deckhand – he can’t swim. The warmth and sunshine would do us all a power of good.

We could organise guided tours around the islands for tourists, then rob them at pistol point as they leave, just to add to the experience. The Pirate Experience! Now that could be a nice little earner, and all done under the eternal sunshine of the Caribbean. What a life!

Come nightfall, I would fall into my hammock, exhausted from pirating and drinking rum, and sleep deeply knowing that I have fulfilled my civic duty for yet another day. It’s a tough life, but somebody has to do it ;)