My Life Is in Ruins

mind if I smoke? there's no smoking in here. why not? who's gonna know? I'll know. you'll know. that's enough. what, you gonna rat on me or something? no. I'm gonna take that cigarette outta your mouth. you don't like people smoking, do you? how can you tell? just a good guess.

bless us lord, for we have sinned. you talking to me? uh, is that you lord? yes it is. and that sin thing? tell me something I didn't already know.

barkeep, pour me another. haven't you had enough, friend? not even close. just keep 'em coming. want to tell me about it? nothing to tell, my man. nothing at all. I've heard that before. yes, and it's a true story too. I'm sure it is. you want some more? I don't mind if I do, thanks. no problem.

are you awake? I think so. I'm your nurse. you've had your operation. how did it go? well, I've got good news and bad news. give me the bad news. they cut off the wrong foot. what? that's awful! what's the good news? the guy in the next room wants to buy your slippers!

faster than a speeding bullet. more powerful than a locomotive. able to leap tall buildings with a single bound. who you talking about, superman? no, fool, superman dead. it's megatron. megatron? I never heard of him. stay off the crack, and maybe you will. I will sure enough do that, yessir. see about this megatron. he gonna change your life, such as it is. ok, well that sound good to me. it should.

why are you laughing? because I feel good. what's there to feel good in this place? this place? nothing. it's somebody else. somebody you're thinking of? yeah, like all the time. must feel good. that's what I said. yes you did.

remember the old days, when men were men? and women wore girdles? actually, I didn't need to remember that. sorry, it just popped out. popped out? please don't. or bulged, as it were. oh stop!

it's your turn to deal. no it ain't. you just won. you deal. you want your money back? yeah, course I do. then you deal.

what's the next clue? ok, we take a left just after the big pile of concrete, then we look for a blasted hole in a wall. yeah? then what? we're supposed to find a pink bunny. what? in this place? are you sure? man, I dunno. maybe we took a wrong turn somewhere back there. maybe several wrong turns. yeah, maybe

dude! I love your long leather coat. thanks, but the coat does not matter. it is only the struggle against counter-revolution, sabotage and preserving state security that is important. of course! but still, you gotta admit: that is one bad-ass coat. how do I get in on this? you may join us, but you must keep your eyes and ears open. the secret police is no joke. do I get to wear a cool coat like that? as member of the secret police, yes, comrade. unless you displease the chairman, and end up in one of the camps. what camps? in siberia. that does not sound like fun. no, not a good career move. I can dig that.

wish I was back in the city. instead of this old bank of sand. with the sun beating down on the chimney tops, and the one you love so close at hand. if I had wings, and I could fly, I know where you would go. but right now I'll just sit here so contentedly, and watch the river flow.

the next issue of the mag is ready. is there anything interesting in it this month? waddya mean? it's always interesting. yeah? to who? it's nothing but propaganda. watch what you say. some may not understand. we don't report news. we follow the state line. and? you got a problem with that? no, no, not at all. can't you tell? good. you had me worried there for a second. just a cog in their machine. that's me. and it's a good machine, too. right? of course it is.

look at that, gary. do you think it's a sign? of course it is, dave. it's obvious. what's it mean, then? it means get your shit together already. really? how can you tell? it's an innate talent I have. wow. I never knew. exactly. because you're clueless. it says that too? no, I said that. what else do you say? let's get outta here and go eat. damn. it's true. you do have a talent. for some things, yes. too bad none of them are worth anything. I can always hope. but don't count on it. exactly.

hey, eddy, you seen my lunch bag? I can't find it. no, man. I ain't seen it. what's that you're eating? just a sandwich the wife made for me. don't bullshit me. you're eating my lunch. aw, c'mon man. I didn't know it was yours. well it obviously wasn't yours, was it . yeah, but. . . it was sitting right there, you know. and you were hungry. so you ate it. it's only natural, you know? so's this. give me 5 bucks. now. man, you are harsh. not really. but you're buying me lunch. I guess it's only fair. here you go. thanks. enjoy the sandwich. it's joey's. what? it's not yours? and I think I hear joey coming. see you later. how much am I gonna have to pay him? I'm sure he'll be reasonable. like you? if you're lucky.

it's another christmas, lord. on earth, you mean, archangel? yes, of course. on earth. where they invented christianity. yes. curious belief. and frankly, I'm not happy with the human race in general, and religion in particular. you don't like. . . religion? but they worship you. they neglect their home. the home I made for them. yes, they are rather irresponsible about that. sort of like shitting where they live, seems to me. not to be delicate about it, I suppose. I have a notion to foreclose on the planet. foreclose? you mean. . . take it back? yes. I created it. I ceded it to them. I can take it back. but what about the human race? there's still a few hippies around, right? a few, yes. they can have it. if they want it. how will you announce it? I don't know. send michael. he's good at that. what shall I tell him? to wear his sword. and watch his back. good advice. I mean, he's dealing with humans, after all. yes. one can't be too careful with them. damn straight.

how are you today, lord? busy, archangel. so many prayers to consider. humans do pray a lot, don't they. some do. and the things they ask for. always amazing. as if I'm their banker, or matchmaker. silly, isn't it? I gave them free will. I wish they'd use it. me too. but I've decided: I'm switching to an iPhone. really? yes. they can text me from now on. text you? then I can just delete them. don't tell them I said so. they won't hear it from me, lord. good

stanley darling, be a dear and have the concierge bring up a bottle of champagne. of course, edna. would you like caviar with it? no, just chips, thanks. chips? stanley, you know caviar is not in season. how silly of me. really, dear. try and pay attention.

good morning class. good morning, mrs lubner. today is art day. so get out your paints and brushes. what are we going to paint? pretty much whatever you want, class. anything? anything at all. and if all you have is spray cans, don't let that hold you back.