Ein Klein Blue Blofeld Fish

The Blofeld fish is found only in a 50km stretch of water off James Bondi Beach, and is one of the rarest and most endangered species on the planet. Professor Steve Bucknell, senior researcher at the Magnet Joinery School of Collage & Photography, has dedicated his life to studying the elusive creatures. The Klein Blue variety, he tells us, was for many years thought to be extinct, due to the decline in numbers of its primary food source, the Pink Spotted Rocking Horse egg. “In nearly 40 years of study I’ve only ever seen two in the wild”, said the prof, “and one of those had a nasty cough.”

The highlight of his career was when he discovered what is believed to be the only example in captivity at the home of retired headmistress, Mrs. Hilda Gardener. “You can’t imagine how excited I was,” enthused Steve, when he visited the 82 year old at her flat in Coal Pit Lane, Stocksbridge, “and there it was, as happy as anything, sat on its perch in a budgie cage”.

The eminent professor is now hoping to share his findings with the wider scientific community. “Mind you,” cautioned the Doc, “to be fair, it was late at night when I saw it. I’d had 7 pints of absinthe by then, and could hardly find my own arse in the dark, so I wouldn’t read too much into it if I were you. Come back and ask me again in the morning, if I’m still alive and/or sober. Hang on,” he mused, “ ‘alive and/or sober’? That doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? Let me think about that a minute....erm....er....Ah, sod it! Pass us that bottle of fairy liquid will you?”