10+ faves

supplicant! come here! I need you! yes, my lord ba'al? I've decided to open a second used car lot. and I've found the perfect location. here, lord? but it's pristine high desert country! your lot in New Jersey isn't enough? I'm feeling antsy. and the local yokels won't know what hit 'em! they'll be flocking by the thousands to buy my pieces of shit! I mean, quality used cars. just picture it! the development possibilities are endless! roads, gas stations, fast food restaurants, strip malls. I'll make millions! but lord, what about, you know, the environment? hah! I am the great god ba'al! I make my own environment! I'm not sure mother nature agrees. who? oh yes. her. well, send her a get well card, or something. she'll get over it. I'm sure, lord.

what are you working on, herr Doktor? my boy, I know just what the world needs most. more sex toys? what? no! we need a new history! the one we've got is completely inadequate. and we're stuck with it, because it can't be changed. until now that is. ha ha! you can change history? but don't governments try and do that all the time? precisely! they try! but now anybody will be able to actually change history! however they want! whenever they want! like to make it so someone was never born? yes! good idea! let's try that right now! on who? well, you of course! sit here. I just have to plug a few tiny electrodes onto various places on your body. like thus. and then. . . and then what, Doktor? and then, I push this, and. . . bye bye. b. . . what do you know? it worked! drat. I forgot to ask if he brought me a sandwich.

may I help you, sir? yes, I have a reservation. I'm here to check in. I'm very sorry, sir. I see your reservation, but there are no rooms. what do you mean? we've had an unexpected number of guests staying longer. well, what am I gonna do? the wife is in the car! we will, of course, try and assist you any way we can. darn right. why is everyone over-staying anyway? it's spores week, sir. a big deal around here. sports week, eh? well I'm not into sports. no, sir, SPORES week. whatever. just find us a room, pal. I'm not a fun guy if I don't get my sleep. fungi? ha ha, very funny, sir. I ain't laughing, bud. no sir. of course not sir.

good morning, herr doktor. ah! my boy! look at this. I've proven that reality is completely dependent upon the minds of the subjects that perceive it! what does that mean? it means that, until you walked into the lab just now, you did not exist! just as a tree that falls in the forest makes no sound if no one is there to hear it. but that's crazy. I'm here, aren't I? of course I existed before I came in. not to me, you didn't. and when I leave here? to be is to be perceived! so you won't exist anymore! and neither will your bank account, for that matter! I wish I thought of this sooner. it's definitely going to be a money-maker.

sir! the enemy is all around us! just keep firing, private. but sir! I can't see a thing! it's all so dark! is that so? yes sir! it's the fog of war, I guess! the senses can't cope! boy, you got a frog hanging off your helmet. a frog? on my helmet? oh! it's filbert! hey, get offa there! sir! whaddya know! I can see! the frog has lifted, as it were? it has! how about that.

you ever think you're being watched everywhere? not really. why? I dunno. just a feeling.

it's time for the tournament, my lady. I hope you do well, sir knight. I will be your champion. your prince, if you allow it. I do allow it. I will cheer for you. and I will raise my sword for you when I win. methinks your sword is already quite raised, sir. what? oh. yes. a small cod piece malfunction. sorry. keep it zipped, sir knight. zipped? I know not that word. I can see that.

watcha wanna do today, marty? I dunno, mikey. watchoo wanna do? wanna steal some h-bomb secrets? again? nah, I can't. mom says I gotta be home. yeah. me too I guess. tomorrow though? ok, sure.

edna, in honor of spring, I got us a new car. wonderful, stanley! what kind of Bentley did you get this time? actually, edna, it's an old Chevy convertible. just like the one you and I used to date in. remember those days? stanley! you were scandalous back then! you took such advantage of my. . . virtue. I did, didn't I. well, virtue is over-rated, in my opinion. so I learned. what do you say girl? go for a spin? oh, stanley, I just got dressed. I'm not ready for. . . oh! you mean go for a ride in the car? well, yes. what did you think I meant? oh nothing. never mind

good morning, ed. how's it going? fine, mark. except my bus is late. bus? you catch a bus here? yeah, the 8:15. can't understand what's keeping it. uh, ed, I don't think that bus runs here anymore. you're kidding! guess I'll have to hitch a ride. hitch? where? over there on the highway. highway? near here? yeah, you know, other side of that rise. oh that one. sure.

see him? no. where? up in that tree. man, I can't see anything! don't worry. I've got a bead on him. what's he doing? oh shit! he's gone! c'mon man, we gotta move! where? anywhere. that guy's fast! I don't think it's a guy. whaddya mean? I mean, it smells like sulphur around here. I don't think that guy's human. sulphur? oh, yeah. never mind that. I forgot to clean out the fridge.

I don't see anything, clarence. that's the whole point. whaddya mean? the ship is invisible, you numbskull. well how was I supposed to know? you arrived here on it, jerry. remember? yeah, a long time ago, man! I see. you forgot. well not everybody can be as perfect as you, clarence! don't get your tentacles in a bunch. keep looking. how? you said it's invisible. remember those glasses I gave you? the ones you aren't wearing? um, these? put them on. then it won't be invisible to you, get it? got it. hey, I see something! yeah? don't tell me: the ship is disguised as a red '61 Cadillac!? how cool! you idiot. those are humans. damn. that is a shame. tell me about it.

watch the office for me, archangel. I'm taking off for a couple of weeks. where to, lord? I'm meeting some of the guys over on arcturus. play a little golf. get in some sightseeing. you know. who'll be there? oh, the usual bunch: zeus, odin, shiva, a few others. none of them can beat me at my short game. no goddesses? well, heh heh, you never know. and I ain't saying. you are so discreet, lord. hey, I invented discreet, don't forget. and most everything else, too. you betcha.

stanley darling, bring me an iced tea, would you? can't jeeves fetch it for you, edna? he's off again today. what? again? that's the 2nd day in a year! yes, we do spoil him, don't we. I'm going to have a stern talking-to with him. don't be too harsh, darling. just master to servant. as god intended. he needs to be reminded. oh, stanley, I love it when you get like this. give me a kiss. you don't want your iced tea? later.

we come in peace, earthling. yeah, right. no, really! we do! well then, what's that thing you're holding? this? oh, it's nothing. a mere fashion bauble. what's it do? oh, it does emit a powerful death ray, I guess. a what? capable of liquifying most carbon-based matter. you mean, like humans? well, now that you mention it, yes, I suppose. cool.

what was that? a minor earthquake. nothing to worry about. are you sure? it sounded like a bomb. don't be silly. is it safe in here? oh yes. our engineers foresaw all eventualities. so what are these readings on that little machine you have? well, um, those are roentgens. 10,000 of them. that can't be good, can it? no. not good. that's for sure. where are all these engineers of yours, anyway? ah, they said they had to attend a meeting. a meeting? all of them? where? ah, in Cleveland, actually. no earthquake there, I bet. no. not much roentgens, either.

they're all loaded. good. hit the road. we've got a lot of deliveries tonight. yeah. fresh pods. for fresh humans. they'll never know what happened. right. they're asleep. asleep and unaware. ok, get going. we still have work to do. by next week, this planet will be ours. go on. we're not done yet.

sir knight, your new set of armor is quite original. whose handiwork is it, if I may ask? thank you, m'lady. twas forged for me by yonder blacksmith. it has a unique look about it. not shiny or oiled at all. in fact, it's rather scaly and flaking off. yes, m'lady. it predicts the coming industrial revolution, and ultimate decline of same. putting western economies at a competitive disadvantage with the rising east. you speak in riddles, knight. I will cheer for you anyway. but are you sure you can make it to your horse? I could use a forklift, couldn't I? a what? I mean squire! now where has that miscreant gone off to?