lettuce pray

is this where it happened? yeah, up in the bell tower. what was he doing up there? he was afraid of heights and didn't want to go. but I told him that he had to face his fears. did he? he did. and then he fell. I guess his fears were pretty realistic, then. yeah, he was a very rational kind of guy. not that it did him much good, I guess. no, not so much.

lord, a moment? hello, archangel. what can I do for you? have you seen how humans venerate you? well, I did create them, didn't I? and the monuments they build to you? yes, very energetic of them, to say the least. have you visited any of them lately? actually, no. too busy with a project I'm working on. and how is that coming, lord? I'm adding several new universes, with no space or time limitations. they've become so passé. how will that affect humans and their universe, lord? well, let's see. ever been on roller coaster, archangel? er, no, lord, I hate them. they make me puke. it's like a walk in the park compared to what I'm about to do. that sounds. . . intense. when I flip the switch on these bad boys, I suggest you cover your eyes. ears too. thanks for the tip, lord. not a problem.

when was the last time you prayed? I dunno. you? when my girlfriend was over. I pray at her altar. yeah? and this reminded you of her? how'd you know? just a guess.

lord, a moment? yes, archangel? what is it? a housekeeping matter, lord. the gates. what about them? they are in need of a little work, I'm afraid. what do you mean? they've served for millenia. exactly, lord. they are getting a little. . . worn. well, many souls have passed through them. yes, you have been very generous about that. what, you think I should up my standards? well, you let all those hippies in. like every single one. I've told you. hippies were my greatest creation. yes, yes, as you've told me many times. they were a new life form on earth. but nobody appreciated them. well, anyway, the gates? if they need work, then see to it. that's your job. but who should I get to do it? how about that architect, gaudi? gaudi? really lord? sagrada familia. good stuff. do it. it's your call, lord. damn right, archangel.

may I be of service, sire? the earthlings. what is the status? they are being prepared, sire. well tell the kitchen to hurry up. I'm hungry, dammit. the cook is doing all he can, o prodigious one. and not overcooked either! make sure he knows! of course, sire. oh, and these are the last of the humans, sire. what! outrageous! how can that be? your appetite is. . . well, immense, o great one. so? what of it? well, you. . . you ate them all. is what you did. not possible!!! I must have more. at once! very well, o wise one. I'll send out for some. I'm sure there's a place that delivers around here. yes, sire. no doubt. see to it at once. should I order a salad as well, o ravenous one? yes, do. a small garden salad will be nice. of course, master. I do have a delicate palate. do I not? I've always said so, your voraciousness.

what's the word from our spies on earth, centurian? all is going according to plan, master. earth is defenseless. excellent. deploy our troops. full mobiliization. yes, master. shall we follow usual procedure? absolutely. save only those we'll eat. with pleasure, sire. tender little morsels, those humans. I've always thought so, o wise one.

am I in the right church? all are welcome here, brother. that's good. I need to pray to my patron saint. which one is that? oh, st. debtfree. I don't believe I've heard of that one. yes, he's the patron saint of all deadbeats. aren't you referring to st. bernardine of siena? well I tried him. he told me I was worthless. oh, I'm sure he didn't. yeah, he loaned me 50 bucks. I welched. so now you want to pray to st debtfree? yeah, I need him to get bernardine off my back. that guy is relentless. well, now you know. you said it. I need a miracle.

no police. let's make our move. I don't think so. this place creeps me out. aw, c'mon. it's just an old church. can't help thinking about joey, and the last house. ok. so there was a little incident with the undead. an accident. it happens. an accident? he's a fucking vampire now, man! ok, cool your jets. and what about you? your teeth got so huge lately. and you only eat raw bloody hamburger. I'm on a diet. that's all. I can't remember the last time I saw you in the daytime. I'm busy. just get over it. ok. but jesus, it sure smells musty around here. you go first. I'm right behind you. and breathing hard too. just excited about the job is all. yeah? trust me.

please fasten your seat belts. we're about to take off. miss, what is our expected time of arrival? if we articulate with the cloud nova, 45 parsecs, sir. if not? well, then the trip is extended. 6000 parsecs. jesus christ! that's almost 10,000 years! I hope you brought along a good book, sir.

sonny around? who shall I say is calling? it's eddie. it's about a job. you have a job for sonny? no, it's about a job sonny was supposed to do. supposed to? yeah. supposed to, but didn't. he here? hmmm. actually I think he just left. out the back. that's ok. I'll wait. here? yeah. you don't mind, do you? of course not. make yourself at home. I would do that, but this don't look like no home to me. it's been a tough winter. yeah, I can see that. maybe more than 1 winter. you could be right.

hey, vinny, I don't like the looks of this place. relax, would ya? nobody here but some stiffs. that's what's spookin' me. it's creeping me out. don't be such a pussy. we'll wait til joey gets here. then what? then we whack him, whaddya think? here? can you think of a better place? but it's so dank and misty. anybody could be here. I'm telling ya, everybody that's here is dead. d.e.a.d. what was that noise? I didn't hear nothin'. jesus, vinny! that gravestone is moving! aw, you're nuts. . . hey. it is moving! what the fuck? there's something coming outta that thing! what is that?! shit!! stand back. it's about to feel my lead. don't shoot it! my god! there's dozens of 'em. everywhere! I say let joey have 'em. let's get outta here. what'll the boss say? I'll take my chances.

dark spirit of the lower realm, are you here? I am. what dost thou seek? I seek justice o great spirit. really? with that buffoon you just elected? good luck with that, sweetheart.

they're up there. where? in the church. no way. they wouldn't dare. it's true. i can smell 'em. get the ropes. we'll go in from above. not a problem. just keep me covered. remember, they don't have eyes. they see radio waves. well turn off your iphone then. good idea.

hey, buddy, what day is it? why, it's sunday, of course. a lot of people in there. how come? this is a church. they're praying. oh yeah? say, can I come in? why certainly. all are welcome here. I need a few bucks. got any spare change? we prefer not to have panhandlers in here. and I prefer not to pray on an empty stomach, ya know? the lord hears all prayers. even if this church don't, right? you may have a point there.

hey, did you hear? that guy got off. the killer? really? man, that stinks. it almost makes me lose faith in the system, you know? you? you never had no faith in the system. what are you talking about? only that it makes me sick. well, one of these days he'll have to answer to a higher power. maybe he should answer to my higher power. this one. well well! check it out! it is a very high power indeed! the right tool for the right job, that's my motto. and quite an eloquent one it is.

are you here for the service? did it start yet? it's almost over, I'm afraid. oh yeah? is there any food after? well, yes, we do offer a table service for our congregants. do you wish to pray with us? no thanks. I'll just pray that there's something left to eat for me

sir! I'm getting a strange signal! where's it coming from, corporal? it's from outside the galaxy, sir, but closing with incredible speed! and it's coming right at us! can you read the signal? what does it say? it says. . . oh my god! what? what? it says, 'get out of the way. my brakes are completely shot!' brakes? on an inter-galactic cruiser? must be from earth. they cannot give up on their ridiculous car culture. should we change position, sir? change position? what is this, a 2-lane blacktop? we're in deep space, dammit! but sir. they are on a collision course! ok ok. tell navigation to. . . how do you say. . . pull over. do we need to activate our blinkers, sir? blinkers? this might as well be 2014. sure. turn them on. I bet you his muffler is probably rusted out too. muffler, sir? never mind.

do you remember what you did? no. I don't. what are you talking about? it'll go much easier for you if you just confess. confess? to what? don't make this difficult. boss don't like it. ok. ok. I confess. I did it. can I go now? yeah. soon as you do your penance. penance? close your eyes. is it gonna hurt? yeah. bad? worse if you hadn't confessed. that's so comforting. it's the little things that count.