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I'd like to speak to the complaint department. what seems to be the problem? I am not satisfied with the service I'm getting here. what's wrong with it? what's wrong is that there is no service. none. none you say? what service are you looking for? I need a rail ticket to L.A. I want the express. do you now? unfortunately, that train doesn't stop here anymore. what? nor any other train, for that matter. since when? since, oh, about 30 years ago. I had no idea. yeah. it's hard to tell by looking around, isn't it? damn. you coulda fooled me. no kidding.

you have a meeting with the joint chiefs, mr. president. you like my cufflinks? from my days at the military academy. oh? they'll impress those guys. you'll impress the joint chiefs. . . with cufflinks? they'll beg to give me a parade. they will? bigly. like Putin's and little rocket man's. I. . . don't know what to say. totally old school, eh? and mine will be the biggest and best parade ever, believe me. somehow I have no doubt. what do those military guys know that I don't know? sir, it's becoming increasingly clear every day

sir! the enemy is in range! excellent, corporal! fire the cannons! yes sir! oh my god! what is that awful smell? corporal, is that you? sir? did you just let loose? what? no sir! it's the enemy, sir! they're using chemical weapons on us! oh, is that all? for a second there, I was going to be very put out. carry on, corporal! yes sir!

what do you think? I think it would be fun to wear. really? I mean like now. oh. how about we wait til tomorrow? you sure? pretty sure, yeah. Here's the "other" Nick Cave. The one who plays with the Bad Seeds. My video from Masonic Temple, in Detroit, entitled "the Tiny Fucking Little Screen," which you will understand if you watch: www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzBpnPF6fSw

hey, eugene, is that you? yeah it's me, but don't say my name on the phone. why not? because the government's probably listening in. aw, you believe that? I do. they're tapping everyone's phone. good thing your name's not really eugene, then, right? what? It's just your code name. right! my code name. good going frankie. hey! no names! not even your code name? oh, yeah. I forgot. ok, so what did you want? huh? damn. I can't remember. well call me back when you do. ok. and my name's not eugene. right! you all hear that? ok, frankie, see you. later eugene.

hey, Mike, you seen my policy position anywhere? your what? I sure haven't, Donny. damn. I thought it was right here. do you actually have any policy positions, Donny? well, yeah! don't I? I mean, I say I do. all the time! don't tell anyone I told you, but you don't. not even close. really? well that simplifies everything. kind of a relief, eh? you said it. frees me up to watch tv; maybe shine my golf clubs. not that you ever do anything else. what? I said, another productive day then. bigly.

isn't it strange how these humans seek to anthropomorphize everything? indeed, sire. they are a strange species. it sickens me to think of our beautiful snouts being anywhere but on our butts, where they belong. we are an infinitely superior race, lord. we must never forget that. sorry, I didn't catch that, sire. I was busy sucking viscera out of a human entrail. well don't hog it, man. I'm famished too, you know. of course not, sire. here, you may use my straw.

good morning, mrs. lubner. can billy come out and play? hi joey. here he comes. what are you boys up to today? we're fixing up the new clubhouse. it's gonna be real neat! new clubhouse? where is it? oh, not too far. just. . . down the road. a bit. well don't do anything dangerous. no way. there's hardly any rebar! only a couple holes in the floor! I think you're teasing me, young man. ha ha, that's right. say, billy doesn't happen to have a jackhammer, does he? a what? never mind.

hey, captain, you got a minute? what's happening, detective? it's my line-up. what about it. you got the suspect in there, right? yeah. but the victim's having a problem. yeah? she can't id the guy? not that. she says they all did it. what? is this the one claimed to have been abducted by a space alien? that's her. she says we got the whole flying saucer crew. jesus. and now she says wants to go with them. where? like I know? wherever flying saucers go. mars. or whatever. so let her. what about our suspect? does he have anything to say? just shit like, 'take me to your leader.' makes no sense to me. we had to tie him down, cuz he's got, like, wings or something. that's ridiculous. cut him loose. really? I got too many headaches to worry about alien abductions. should I complete my report? and say what? we arrested a martian? we'll be laughed out of town! ok. I'll keep it quiet. nobody will be any the wiser. I hope not.

pardon me, is this the line for the next train? train? we're not here for a train. oh. well, I'm taking the next train to Detroit, you see, and don't want to miss it. mister, ain't gonna be no train. what do you mean? you see any tracks? well, no, but. . . you see a station? uh. . . no you don't. fact is, that train don't stop here anymore. no? so what are you doing? us? we keepin' an eye on the place. really. ten eyes, to be exact. can't be too careful. been here long? you could say that.

we don't have much time. cool it. the sun's not set. the moon won't rise for another hour. you think these chains will hold? they better. if they don't, we're screwed. you mean I'm screwed don't you? I'm not the werewolf here. better fasten them good. I'll be ravenous soon enough. I do like the way you howl at midnight. really? want to run through the woods with me? I do and I'll be dinner. probably. works for me though. how thoughtful you are. not. what can I say? I was born this way. there you go again. taking no responsibility for yourself. whatever.

he's in here somewhere. yeah, but how are we gonna find him, sir? your orders are to search the whole place. yes, sir. and while you're at it, destroy everything you find. ah, sir? isn't that a little redundant? hmmm. I see what you're saying. ok, new orders: um. . . search. got it. nice and simple. just how we like it. that's what they say. they do?

is it safe? god knows. is he saying? not to me, he ain't.

what's so special about it? it takes me where I want to go. hell, my ride does that. you and I don't want to go to the same place. you may have a point.

what's he told you? nuthin' boss. not a thing. that won't last. he'll break. I dunno boss. he's a tough one. he's about to see that we're tough too. get me? you mean. . . exactly. you got the tool. use it. gee, I don't know. isn't it outlawed by, you know, the Geneva Convention or something? what're you, an expert on international law now? no boss. me neither. use it. he'll talk. but it's so. . . icky. I hate candy corn too. why else d'you think we have so much of it lyin' around? stuff makes me wanna puke. I almost feel sorry for the guy. you wanna eat that stuff yourself? me? no way! then go do it. it's fool-proof. the poor son-of-a-bitch don't know what's about to happen to him. I wouldn't wanna be him, that's for sure. for sure.

what does it mean? hold on, I think it's coming to me. yeah? got it. it's a code. it is? what does it say? it says, "nora, u r 2 cute." oh daddy.

hey guido, the sign on this building says 'Facilitators and Mediators.' what does that mean? we help people resolve conflicts with each other. you mean, people hire you guys to do that for them? yeah, sure. that's what I do. you? don't make me laugh. you whack people. that usually resolves the conflict, doesn't it? well, yeah, permanently. you got a problem with that? me? no way, man. didn't think so.

say, alice, you wanna go out tonight? ok, ralph. where are you taking me? there's this little place in the city. the city? is it safe? oh sure. nuthin' to worry about. I don't know. my parents, they don't let me go there. . . just wear your, you know, boots. on a date? and maybe waders, too. are we catching frogs? I hope that's the only thing we catch.