scott craig

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rope's end

rope's end
Some of you may know that Grace and I broke up in May. It was all my fault. Infidelity. Insecurity. Now I have guilt and shame and hurt. We have not spoken. She will have nothing to do with me. This deepens my sense of guilt for the pain I caused her. I can not seem to get over it. None of this matters. Not photography. Not work. Not friends. Nothing. I can't, as so many have said, move on or forget about it. I am stuck in a hell. Doctors have not been able to help. Therapy has not helped. Time has not helped. Friends cannot reach me. Psychiatrists are booked to damn near Thanksgiving. I do not think I will last that long. I am at wit's end. I want the pain to just fucking stop. How do I make it stop? How do I forget the hurt I have caused someone I love so much and deserved nothing but all of my love and attention? How does this get better?

Do NOT tell me to move on. I cannot.
Do NOT tell me to find a new hobby.
Do NOT say time will heal me -- it will not happen soon enough.

I do not know how to make this pain stop and I am tiring of trying to bear it with any sort of dignity.