Limbo

Years ago I felt that everything was gray and then I went into group therapy which was a wonderful mixture of Gestalt and Primal therapies. It wasn't talk therapy but rather "getting to your feelings" by laying on a mattress and regressing,screaming crying and then hugging,touching and being touched in a totally non threatening kind of way. Sometimes I think of the lay co-therapists, Barbara and Ben very fondly.  We had day long marathons and that laboratory of emoting became a starting point to changing my life,leaving the gray and entering the colors that I try to bring forth in my art. I left a bad marriage and a depleting job. Those who knew me thought I was destroying myself and , in a way, I was. I tore apart the encrusted me that had formed in defense and went back to a more open childlike state, obviously not all the time but it became a place I could go to and I remain in touch with that early more open me.

As I wait to retire I have told no-one at work when I am leaving because I fear that the administration may try to move me into a less pleasant position earlier. It leaves me in a state of limbo. I am not used to having secrets. It brings distance and reminds me of that distance I experienced in my 20s. I will be sad to leave some of my colleagues and some of the students but not doing the same thing over the years, tho there is a soothing quality there as well. It just makes sense to tie in my pension now and leave my wife secure.

I am not good at moving on,endings.

I could go on and on.