tomswift46's blog

Years ago I felt that everything was gray and then I went into group therapy which was a wonderful mixture of Gestalt and Primal therapies. It wasn't talk therapy but rather "getting to your feelings" by laying on a mattress and regressing,screaming crying and then hugging,touching and being touched in a totally non threatening kind of way. Sometimes I think of the lay co-therapists, Barbara and Ben very fondly.  We had day long marathons and that laboratory of emoting became a starting point to changing my life,leaving the gray and entering the colors that I try to bring forth in my art. I left a bad marriage and a depleting job. Those who knew me thought I was destroying myself and , in a way, I was. I tore apart the encrusted me that had formed in defense and went back to a more open childlike state, obviously not all the time but it became a place I could go to and I remain in touch with that early more open me.

As I wait to retire I have told no-one at work when I am leaving because I fear that the administration may try to move me into a less pleasant position earlier. It leaves me in a state of limbo. I am not used to having secrets. It brings distance and reminds me of that distance I experienced in my 20s. I will be sad to leave some of my colleagues and some of the students but not doing the same thing over the years, tho there is a soothing quality there as well. It just makes sense to tie in my pension now and leave my wife secure.

I am not good at moving on,endings.

I could go on and on. 

 Nearing retirement, I have been thinking bout getting old.

It is all so relative. In the 60s we said,"don't trust anyone over 30" and then we were in our 30s and sure I found I couldn't trust anyone over 30. Well, almost anyone.

Like the Quicksilver Messenger Service songs, "Who do you love?"" "How do you love?" etc.

I ask how do you get old,where do you get old, when is it too much or too little.

I don't have easy answers. I think like most things they will come to me organically as I go along my way.

Watching that elderly woman in NYC I thought this is one way I wouldn't want to get old. bent over beside scrawled pleading for recognition on the metal gates of areas where my immigrant ancestors came to these shores.

My wife and I have decided that as soon as my pension and social security comes thru we will sell our present house in NJ and move to the more pleasant environs of western Massachusetts. This resolves very little really except it is less expensive to live.

As I said I don't have ready answers for my own questions. Will I get a part time job as a librarian or something more nature oriented? Will my health hold up for another decade or so? What will my wife do since she is 6 years younger than myself. Will she continue to work...probably. Will I go to galleries with my fotos?

Freedom from is always easy but freedom to do has always created loose ends.

So I look forward to these changes with some trepidation and I can't wait.

We're in Vermont now. Hot but less so than NJ and not crowded,claustrophobic. The cabin is fine and we walked around...only a few people in the vicinity...put in an A/C and drank some wine...relaxing... Contacted the plumber,the fellow who can deliver gravel to fill in some spots that eroded from 30 inches of Spring rain...the local newspaper has a thank you from the local highway department for peoples' patience after 80% of the roads were messed up by those torrential downpours. Seeing friends and family over the next few days...kayaking,walking,taking fotos...going to the Southern Vermont Art center to pick up an exhibited foto and see if the other one they accepted has been exhibited...

Through all the days I have worked as a teacher, social worker,librarian I have always considered myself an artist first. I have now written poetry and taken photographs(now fotos) for over 40 years and although they have never afforded me a living they have provided for a perspective on my life and its happenings in a way to make it worthwhile. It has always been play or unstructured time that has been important to me.Being at loose ends can be frightening but when the synthesis of things comes together in that creative moment it is well worth it. Certainly it's been the balance and dynamic tension between work and play that have provided the impetus for some of my art work and altho I met my wife at a poetry reading I ran it was the jobs that we have had that provided for our sustenance and that of our child,now grown. I am reflecting on this because I am coming closer to the end of my work life and when I retire I will have to forge a new life. As a teacher I have been fortunate enough to have summers off for a very long time now and I know I flourish on my own.