I've only been living in New York City for about five months now (though it feels like five minutes) and in that time I've never gotten around to removing my email address from the list of one of my old senators, Barbara Boxer.

Boxer, a Democrat, was a woman I was proud to vote for. She was smart, outspoken and didn't seem like a Republican hardly at all (unlike her fellow California Democrat senator, Diane Feinstein who counts Condy "White" Rice as a pal). Of course, I mean this praise in the past tense. Not just because I am no longer a constituent of hers, but because, since that prideful voting moment, I've discovered she's a fricken moron.

It probably was that time she emailed everyone on her mailing list to brag that she was very serious about fighting spyware. A few months later she truly wowed me when she actually did her job by telling us how she was concerned about wildfires. Goshes, I was so glad to get those emails from her!

Sadly, depressingly, that sarcasm would have been completely unmerited if she had just followed through with her attitude that impeachment of Bush should be back on the table. She let us and America down when miraculously, her interest in impeachment evaporated.

Then, last night, while basking in the afterglow of the classic western, Shane, watched on DVD compliments of Netflix, I checked my email to find another dumb-ass email from Barbara Boxer!!

And to show off my independent stripes, I'm going to take it apart for you! Screw the Dems! They've let the Republicans get away with all of this stuff.

As always, my comments are NOT in italics.

Enjoy (I know I will):

Dear Friend:

Ooo, it's like she knows I'm going to dump her. :(

Traffic and air quality are issues that impact all Californians.

Except those of us without cars. I haven't owned an automobile since 2003. Traffic impacts my bus driver. Air quality, you're right about, though. Please, go on:

We all hope to quickly and safely travel to work or school and then home to our families. We also all depend on clean air that is too often degraded by cars, trucks and trains.

And the factories and the power plants.

OH and the refineries! Can't forget the oil!

Funny, we refine oil to make gas then burn the gas in cars and that pollutes the air! NEAT!

Sorry, old friend, what were you saying?

As the Chairman of the Senate’s Committee on Environment and Public Works,

"I've been doing a shitty job! In fact, I'm writing to tell you how sorry I am for that cancerous growth that's clinging to the inside of your lungs."

one of my most important priorities for the coming year is to authorize a new federal highway, transit and highway safety bill.

Uhhhmmm... was there something wrong with the old one?

Why'd you wait until now to get around to doing a new one then? You're talking about California--the car capital of the world.

Was the old one just stanky? Skunky, maybe? Check the drink-by date, maybe you can get another year or two out of it!

The aim of the bill is to improve surface transportation nationwide, which can help improve our air quality as well.



So, smooth roads will help the environment?




Do you think we're morons? Smooth roads = better air??

Lady, killing every cow in America would do more to help the air quality AND it would help us eat better, thus improving our health, too.

Tell me you've got more--emissions cuts, new regulations on factories and refineries, SOMETHING to make me change my mind...

My committee has begun the process to write the next bill. I am writing to you both to offer some information about the process and to ask for your thoughts about the focus and priorities of the bill.

Oh, I've got some thoughts!

Like why the fuck are you emailing us about stupid shit like this when you should be asking us what we think about the $700 billion you idiots in Congress are about to give to Wall Street.

Or how about why you are letting Bush, Cheney and pals get away with all of the things they've done in office (illegally invading a sovereign member of the UN, spying on American citizens, torturing suspects, withholding habeus corpus rights from suspects, OH YEAH and bailing out their Wall Street pals when they go for the greed)?

You really disgust me, lady. To think I had hoped you'd run for president.

Why do you even bother with these stupid emails?

Do you think they fool us? Do you think we're rock-stupid enough to not be concerned about real issues?

SIGH... if ONLY you really gave a crap and cared what I and other constituents thought.

Recently, I held briefings in California to hear from transportation officials in California about their priorities.

Let me guess. Their concerns were: getting raises? Keeping their jobs, perhaps? :)

With the following links, you can watch video of the two briefings in Sacramento and Los Angeles and read the testimony of the witnesses:

Field Briefing in Los Angeles
Field Briefing in Sacramento

Ooo, do I dare?

Hell no. I like watching C-SPAN, but even I can't sit through "witnesses" testifying to how sucky roads are in California. My eyes hurt just thinking about it.

I also want to hear from you.

Yyyy-no you don't.

You haven't listened to what the blue state of California has really wanted for years.

I want to know your priorities for the next federal transportation bill.

"But screw you if you think I care whether you approve of my job or the job any of us are doing in Washington. The truth? We can't wait to sign that bill to give Wall Street $700 billion!! We are WET with anticipation!!"

I hope you will use the instructions at the bottom of this page to send me your thoughts about what the transportation priorities for the nation should be for the coming years.

Actually, I see high gas prices and low US dollar value. As a country, we'll likely be traveling a LOT less. In short? Don't worry about the roads. Most Americans won't be able to afford to use them. You probably don't even need to worry about this new bill at all.

In fact, you know what? Why don't you just go home? Go back to Sacramento, or where ever the hell you came from and just don't worry about Congress any more. It's cool--you guys can all go home. All you senators and representatives in the House--it's cool. Just leave work and don't come back.

I mean, it's not like you guys are doing anything, so why bother coming into work?

What can be done to best reduce congestion?

No, really, it's cool, Barb. Just head on home.

Do you want more public transit?

Oh, look, Barb. Let's not make this awkward. I mean, I'm flattered and all and I think what we had was special, but really. This whole "Congress serving the people" thing--it's just not... it's just not working out.

What should be done to more quickly move freight across the nation?

Oh, you poor girl! You're just not getting it, are you? There's just no easy way to tell an entire branch of government that it's over.

While these are not easy questions, I would like to hear from you.

You know what, Barb?


It's not you, it's me--it's all of America. We really just don't think we deserve your type of leadership. Really, it's all our fault.

Maybe, in a few years, we can talk about giving it another try, but...

By considering the thoughts of Californians, I think we can craft a better bill for the nation.

You can just keep my stuff. My freedoms always looked better on you, anyway. Seriously.


Barbara Boxer
United States Senator

Aw, thanks, kiddo. I know you're trying to be sincere, but I'm afraid it's just not enough. And I hate to dump you, and the rest of Congress, like this, you know, in a blog.



But it just really is time.

I'm sorry, Barb.

So long Congress.





Guys, look, I know this is weird, but really--JUST GO HOME.

NO, I don't want to give it "one more week!"

NO, I don't care if none of you are wearing panties!

Now come on!! Don't make this embarrassing for all of America!

Oh, God...

...it's like they just don't get it.

It's like they think they're making laws that count!

It's so sad!

Don't they remember trying to pass a second law banning torture that even McCain (of all people!) voted against it?

Don't they realize that George Bush will just issue a signing statement when he signs whatever bill into law, thus making it irrelevant?

Oh, man... I just can't look at them anymore...