We can’t eat fat or sugar or salt...mustn’t drink fruit juices anymore and anything from a pig is dangerous...you’ll catch tapeworms and overdose on nitrates...
Chickens are murdered horribly and eat GM foods and nuts ought to be limited ‘cos even veggie fat is bad for your health...you mustn’t drink alcohol or too much coffee and woe betide you if you smoke and don’t think those E ciggies are safe ‘cos they haven’t been properly tested yet...
Don’t even think about jogging...you’ll harm your ligaments and your back will give up the ghost before you reach thirty and if you’re over fifty you’ll likely drop dead from a heart attack before you reach your front door...
Everyone tells you to get the ‘flu jab and then you read the take-up among nursing staff in hospitals is just under 10% and if you have a dicey ticker swallowing a baby aspirin every day is a total waste of time...
Antibiotics don’t work anymore and steroids make your bones crumble away and those long complicated names of the ingredients in yoghurt are just made up and don’t mean a blessed thing...
Eat more fibre ...but not too much...plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables but what about the air miles involved and examine your bag of salad leaves for the occasional frog...
Don’t eat foods out of season and only use honey which is local and make sure your chocolate bar is Free Trade and breakfast cereals are laden with sugars but porridge is alright...providing it’s organic and you don’t put full fat milk on it...
Ready meals are the total pits and have little or no nutritional value and you’re a lost cause if you eat pizza...especially pizza with salami ‘cos that’s more than likely to be spiced donkey.
Carpets ooze chemicals for years after they’ve been laid and modern furniture is laden with nasties...mind you old furniture is likely to have woodworm and moth attack and maybe even a few lice...if it’s a really old chair that is.
Your pillows are heaving with creeping crawling creatures that washing doesn’t kill and those stuffed with feathers will bring on your allergies before you’ve read the first page of your bedtime story.
Household cleaners are simply time bombs waiting to attack you when you aren’t looking and musty old books will give you asthma and newspaper is laden down with horrible chemicals...
Sit too close to your computer and your eyes will go all over peculiar and if you can’t remember today’s date you have the beginnings of senile dementia...
You have to relax and take ‘time out’ but keep yourself occupied and busy with hobbies...join clubs and become sociable and you’ll live longer...take up yoga and when you’re ninety you’ll be able to stand on your head...
The above are actual quotes from articles I’ve read recently...not to be taken too seriously because otherwise you might just as well stick your head in the gas oven now and be done with it.
Is it any real wonder that half the time we don’t know whether we are coming or going with the sheer volume of ‘advice’ from various bodies attacking us every day...it must have been so simple when the tribe went out and killed something with fur on it and then roasted it over an open fire for supper. When a layer of fresh heather or straw served perfectly well as a bed and no-one with any sense polished the inside of the cave...
So, I ignore the advice from the various scare mongering bodies and shall continue to go my own sweet way...