renovatio06's blog/

To avoid misunderstandings: No, I'm not suicidal (not now, anyway :P). And this posting could as well be titled "I'm a professional hooker" - but I have to raise my price tag :P (and will :P :P). Nonetheless, that's an entirely different discussion. So: How's dying going to be degrading? Well, picture this: For most of our grown-up life, we fool ourselves into thinking, we control things. OK, based on the assumption that we DO think, we control our lives from that little preprocessor we call a mind (or reason, if you will), we got used to the notion of premeditating options before carrying them out. There's one huge evolutionary advantage to this fairly young daugther-processor. One of it is the plain fact that by premeditating options and not being forced into carrying them out, we can detect potentially fatal plans and actions - resulting in.... survival. So... by experiencing ourselves as being able to "control" our SURVIVAL, we tend to think, we can carry on with that concept forever - in fact having us believe, we are immortal, when in fact ... we aren't. Quite the contrary: At the advent of basic existential experiences, we will have to realize that simple physical and chemical processes is what actually controls our entire life-experience. One of those most basic experiences is .... aging. If you fast-forward that, you'll arrive at the conclusion that there is NOthing, repeat NOTHING, in our hands to a) reverse aging and b) stopping that process and its core result, which is .... death. Now, there are quite a number of causes for physical death, but they all lead to the same result: Our physical existence - AND our preprocessor - coming to a irreversible and final halt. And the "symptoms" accompanying that process... are nothing we'd seek proximity of during our life span. For instance: Shortness of breath, body temperature going down, heart-beat going irregularly first, then coming to a stop, resulting in a complete halt of blood circulation. The main point being: All of these "side effects" are OUTside of our control by the mind. For the first and last time, we are forced to experience that there is NOTHING we can do to stop or slow down that process. Which will have a tremendous effect on our ego in that we'll realize for the first time that our ego has nothing to do with our SELF.

I'll leave it at that for now. Take your time to ponder, while I take my time to sober up :P And ENJOY in the meantime LOL

Light-emitting Grove

For the longest time now, I've been settling for mediocrity: On the job, in my personal life, even in areas, where passion should be the predominant quality. In order to escape the boredom that comes with anything being mediocre, I've always believed in intensifying any given feeling by adding something else of a similar feel to it. Here's an example: During the post-surgery days, I'd watch dramatic or violent movies to heighten the sense of pain - not to say that the pain was 'mediocre', it clearly wasn't. But since I couldn't do anything to lessen it (or anything else to take my mind off it), I chose to intensify it - by mentioned choice of movies.

Some people might think now, I was a masochist, but I don't believe I am that. I think, this behaviour comes from an oversized wish of living life to the fullest at times, when I didn't have that opportunity. I am in the process of liberating myself, shedding the shackles and losing a number of burdens - in fact, I'm reinventing myself in a way. I might not be able to do so completely, as in that case I'd have to erase much of my memory and start over, making new experiences. But I guess it's safe to say, I have changed and keep changing my perspective on things. And eventually, I won't have to resort to strange behaviours of intensifying any given event any more, as the experience(s) in itsself/themselves will become .... more and more perfect. Keep your fingers x-ed for me.

Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of this dude (George Carlin) and last night, I almost succeeded in waking up the neighbourhood from laughing so hard over his jokes - brilliant!

Today, I happen to flip the German comedy channel called Comedy Central (sounds German alright, doesn't it? :) ) and I'm cracking up over him! This dude fucking kills! Finally having the guts of speaking out over the fundamentalist suicide bombers, who are retarded enough to believe in being rewarded with 72 virgins upon entering heaven (which makes their "religion" a mockery in the first place) and making Allah the waiter of the real God, who in truth (in his stand-up program) is another Dutch-German comedian - aaaahhhhhaaaa, I'm almost peeing my pants over this! :D

I'm thinking: I oughta become a comedian, hee-hee! That's the only way, you can afford to have a serial-killer's mind and get away with it - cuz you kill by laughter and as far as I know, there's no law against THAT, isn't there?

Still giggling over this guy... : "At some point, I meant to join the Al-Queda, but my chances were pretty dim, cuz I haven't got a pilot's license..." AAAHHHHHH !!!!!! :DD:D:D:D:D Kudos to the guy, he's just awesome!

Tubicle...

Always nice to be appreciated and I am beginning to warm up to that experience. Today, I had to take a severe blow to my confidence and courage in terms of my current tight life situation. In fact, the latest turn of events was apt to toss me back into a vegetative-like state of panic and shock - but luckily didn't.

So, it felt all the nicer to find another permission request for usage of one of my images (the one to the left) in my e-mail inbox. It turns out, the Editorial assistant at Routledge Francis & Taylor Group, in particular the philosophy section of the publishing house, is asking permission to use this image as cover illustration for an upcoming book. AND - they are offering compensation. So... this is nice and I don't see any reason to decline that.

On a different note, I was most impressed with the cover story in Spiegel 27/2008, titled s.th. like "The Initial Moment" (rough translation of the German title "Die Sekunde Null") and reporting on the Atlas at CERN, an experiment and part of what is going to be the fastest and biggest particle accelerator of all time, the Large Hadron Collider at Cern. It will do no less than emulate the beginning of the universe and emulate conditions at the "time" of the Big Bang. Initiation of the project is being met with much criticism, as scientists basically can't really say, what's going to happen as soon as they have reached the full amount and speed of particles needed to induce 'controlled' clashes of particles, which then will produce an amount of energy that is likely to produce effects and other particles, which are known as the missing links of the most popular universe theories so far. To put it simply: The collective of no less than 2,700 scientists at CERN create the required conditions and "ingredients" for an event, which they hope to come as close as possible to the real Big Bang. B.t.w. - have I mentioned that CERN invented the World Wide Web, the very same media many of us are using on a near daily basis? But this experiment is so gigantic, so unpredictable in its outcomes and their effects on all universe theories that even the team and board members as well as celebrity bystanders can't help to be in awe (or so says the article).

To me, this means that many ideas being presented in Stanislav Lem's science fiction books, which I loved reading at age 16 and then passionately discussing with my physics teacher, are on the verge of becoming a part of our reality - or will they redefine that very reality by allowing us a true and unmistakable look all the way down the rabbithole? I wish I could be a part of the that experiment or at least be there, when they initiate the project...

routeledge cover

So, it's a deal now: The publishing company, who contacted me, have licensed my image for an upcoming title of their list of books. We'll be signing an agreement and the deal will be formalized that way. I feel like I should celebrate this a little - oh, well... maybe having my third tequila-flavoured beer tonight may count as a little celebration? ;-)

Just how could this guy escape me?

I'm hoping, it will fall shut completely and stay closed for good. The good news: Other doors have opened instead. I'm hoping for those to open as widely as a horseback riding ranche's gate.

I've been flattering myself into thinking, I was quick to grasp things. I now have to admit to myself (and all of you reading) that I'm not - I'm naive... still. Hard to believe, but unfortunately, it seems to be a fact. In the current case, we're talking about business expressions. For all of you, who aren't exposed to business speak, here's a little vocabulary help. Let me give you five introductory examples - (a) will be the expression used, b) what's actually meant by it:

1 a. "Can I call you back?"

1 b. "Get lost, will ya? And don't come bothering me again - ever!"

2 a. "What can I do for you?"

2 b. "You're already getting on my nerves - you think, I'm much inclined to hear you asking a favor of me?"

3 a. "This will take no more than a minute."

3 b. "Unless they don't invent everlasting youth and eternal life in the body, don't bother waiting on this to happen."

4 a. "It's my pleasure!"

4 b. "I'd like to feed your guts to my overweighed cat and throw the vomit she'll produce into the fish tank."

5 a. "Will you be here another minute?"

5 b. "You don't get, when you're no longer welcome, don't you? Just fuck of, o.k.?"

I was used to similar expressions in the music scene, and they go something like this:

1 a. "Hey, can I call you?"

1 b. "I'll never bother to keep your phone number, let alone give you a call."

2 a. "Can we do something together?"

2 b. "I'd rather build me a spaceship and fly to the moon than sit in together with you."

3 a. "Ey man - great solo!"

3 b. "My grandmother - God have mercy on her poor soul - just turned in her grave hearing the sad crap you're playing on your instrument - don't you have a heart for people?"

This just to get you started. I'm sure, you're smarter than me - you'll figure out the rest. Happy translating!

P.S.: From now on... anyone who treats me like I was stupid and didn't know above... boy, you wish you'd be stucked in a pile of shit face first instead, when I'm done with you...

Awwwww... how I love those mild summer nights! I am so grateful for the place I live in! On nights like this, where we still had 68F/20 Celsius at midnight, I like to step out on the terrace, prefererrably just wearing underwear, sometimes my bathrobe, and look into the nightsky with its gazillions of bright stars, sometimes complemented by the moon. Tonight is such a night: It's incredibly warm, I just returned from the open-air cinema, where I met a friend and we watched No country for old men together. I stand there, it's all quiet, there is a soft summer breeze, there is just the faintest hush of the highway in the distance, other than that it's perfectly quiet. I rest, I breathe, slowly, consciously and marvel at the shere immensity of the universe above and around me. Could it only stay summer year round - I'd have nothing to ever complain about...

But then, there are still those other moments, when I feel unworthy, small, intimidated, insignificant. And there's rage, incredible amounts of rage, rage that scares the shit out of myself. If the proverbial fairy offered me a wish, I'd know it right away: Peace, nothing but peace... give me that, and I'll be fine. Alas - with a little more luck, I might even find that. It's all about the homecoming, and I am sensing it to be close - in one or the other way.

I need to talk about stalking today. wikipedia says this about stalking:

"Stalking is the obsessive following, observing, or contacting of another person, or the obsessive attempt to engage in any of these activities. This includes following the person to certain places, to see where they live or what the person does on a daily basis, it also includes seeking and obtaining the person's personal information in order to contact him or her; e.g. looking for his or her details on computers, electoral rolls, personal files and other material containing the person's private information without his or her consent."

They continue to say this: "Stalking exists in many forms. [...]. Stalkers may even have a sincere but misguided belief that their victims love them, or have a desire to help the victims. Stalking consists of a series of actions which in themselves can be legal, such as calling on the phone, sending gifts, or sending emails.

Stalkers will often denigrate and objectify their victims. This can help stalkers to abuse their victims without experiencing empathy, and may reflect or fuel a belief that they are entitled to behave as they please toward the victims. Viewing victims as "lesser," "weak" or otherwise seriously flawed can support delusions that the victims need to be rescued, or punished, by the stalkers. Stalkers may slander or defame the character of their victims which may isolate the victims and give the stalkers more control or a feeling of power.

Stalkers may use manipulative behavior such as bringing legal action against their victims. They may also attempt to diagnose victims with false mental illnesses. Stalkers may even threaten to commit suicide in order to coerce victims to intervene - all methods of forcing victims to have contact with the stalkers."

Further down, wikipedia leaves no doubt as to the effects of such restraining behaviour on the victims of stalking. I can't even chuckle at that exhaustive list any more, as I have been suffering from ALL of these effects - for most of my life to this very day.

Since I have isolated the most likely source of my being stalked as my own family, I am now implementing a list of actions, hoping to reduce the degree of outcomes of this abusive behaviour. However, it is almost impossible to escape that, as I still have a phone, address, e-mail etc.

One of those measures will have to be to refrain from posting any more publicly visible entries here. I made the mistake of posting last night's entry as public, and retribution in form of an unsolicited phone call with suppressed caller ID follows in its footsteps. For those of you, who'd like to be able to read this blog in the future, I suggest you send me ipermail requesting to be promoted from contacts to something above that. I will have to see, whether that works better. If not, I might have to stop posting entirely.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but the situation is really as serious as it sounds.

update: There is a small possibility, I'm wrong THIS time about it - but it has happened before, so I don't feel all too remorseful.