renovatio06's blog/

Illumination

A few days ago, someone contacted me through my Flickr-account and asked, whether they could use one of my pictures. It turned out, the lady asking my permission is in the process of drafting a unique therapy program, which combines elements of an outdoor adventure with aspects of a team-building management seminars as well as classical group therapy. I was psyched! Not only was I extremely pleased and satisfied that she asked in the first place (as some of us will have experienced, not everyone does so...), but I can also totally identify with and subscribe to the contents of her program. To find out more about this exciting concept, I recommend reading up on it at her website.

Hit from all sides

I am fortunate: It has been quite some time, since I remember having felt real pain. Today is one of those. By now, the pain has subsided a bit and the painkillers have kicked in. I went to get a little surgery performed on me today, which removed some blockage of my left salivary gland, which again is caused by a small stone. They cut the salivary duct open, hoping to be able to grab that little fucker, but it was too far in the back, so it didnd't come out. The surgery was performed under local anesthesia and the doctor told me, he was all the way back right into the salivary gland, but still couldn't get that stone to come loose (I was informerd of this prior to taking the surgery, so I was aware it might not yield a 100% result). In order to get there in the first place, he needed to cut his way to the "intersection" of the duct into the gland - or vice versa, whatever the medically correct description is.

I was brought into the operating theater at 2.20 pm and I remember the clock reading 3.05, when they removed the tissue that had been covering my face during surgery. I have had something done like that some 7 years ago, and I remember it to be far less stress- and painful - probably, since that stone was more to the front than this one. Anyway, when the anesthesia stopped working, I found myself in considerable pain, which I tried to beat with the pain killer and makeshift icepacks that I'm holding to  my face. And guess what: Of all days, today the phone rings with important business calls! Jesus Christ! I could have literally rotted away here in my appartment for at least some days, until someone would notice, but to-fucking-day they remember me? What the fuck!!

Well, given from the fact that I'm writing here and even found the strength to cuss, you can safely derive I'm a bit better by now. I even managed to eat a little soup for supper and keep it down (although it really hurts *every time* I swallow - never knew, you could get exhausted from eating ;-)). So anyways, I'm hoping for a quiet night and for most of the pain to be gone by tomorrow.

Hope, your evening was more enjoyable. ;-)

update: The night was the pits... if I had known, what I'd bring onto myself agreeing to this medical intrusion, I might have reconsidered... hoping, the worst is over.

Wow... the past two days were plain torture. Don't get me wrong: I ain't no pussy. I've known pain for quite a while with a host of conditions I'm suffering from, some more, some less pronounced. So, I'm no stranger to pain and I've learnt to accept it as a part of me, as a part of my life, actually. But this was different. I had forgotten, how demoralizing searing pain can be, how degrading actually, then also humbling, and mostly: Sobering and focussing the mind on the the very basic needs. While I currently choose to live alone and be single (and don't have a problem with that for most of the time), I must admit it would have been nicer to experience love and caring and compassion firsthand. Don't get me wrong: I am extremely grateful and quite moved over your support and replies to my blog posting - I really am! But at times like these, when any self-image you made for yourself collapses into insignificance, into a personal lie actually, when all the auto-affirmative thoughts you employ on a daily basis to stay functional just don't work any more, simply because the sensation of pain is ridding your mind of every other thought, when all the mental crutches I've managed to establish for myself to avoid freaking out constantly and to numb that unbearable inner scream that tears at the very core of my heart ALL THE FUCKING time, when all of these aids cease to play their part, because pain overrides them all and takes the stage - then you feel helpless, desperate, alone out in the dark with bloodhounds circling you and closing in on your vulnerable, maimed body and self. That's the very moment, when a soft voice or a gentle touch will do the trick and remind you of the prospect that all of this is just a passing phase, a temporary experience that will soon be forgotten, as if it had never happened in the first place. That touch or soothing voice will help you "fast forward" your view to the days following your current misery and the restoring of your equilibrium. That part I missed very clearly for the first time in a long time...

So... I'm all the more grateful now that I eventually do see some improvement today, much of the pain subsiding, me actually being able to have the first real meal in 3 days - AND enjoy it - and not have to dwell on thoughts of what I was missing any longer.

And again and truly: Thanks for all your support and concern and greetings and good wishes - thank you!

out-RAGE-d

Ugggh... Today, I allow myself some venting, come tomorrow, I'll put myself in "Good thoughts"-mode to support the healing process. I went for the checkup-appointment with the doc - and he wasn't satisfied with the progress. There is a major infection in the gland, it is still swollen, I got a prescription for antibiotics and I'm supposed to continue taking painkillers three times a day, as they are supposed to support the healing of the infection. However.... the doctors see only a dim chance for the gland to heal and if it didn't (and I'm using this tense here on purpose, as I don't intend to follow their line of thinking), they'd remove the gland AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE!!! But this puts me in a very, very bad situation and my situation is already ... well... "tight" is even to weak an expression for what it is (and on top of that, nobody told me, the operation might have to happen that soon). Bottomline: I am in dire need of work. So - I have an interview for a part-time job coming up, which I had to postpone once already, as the pain and limitations when speaking were simply too pronounced to be thinking of presenting myself to a potential employer, being all chipper and all. Now, I had to postpone the interview AGAIN, as the next checkup did collide with it. Second, I am booked for a pretty important writing assignment at the beginning of next month and I already made the booking of flight and train and my credit card will be charged accordingly. If I don't go, I won't see any refund, but the most important bit is, I really, REALLY can't afford to lose that job or rather the compensation I am expecting for it, nor can I afford to let the employer down, because this most likely would terminate that business liaison. Next - as if all of this wasn't stress enough - I have something lined up for me at the end of August, which might be the one big chance I have been waiting for in my professional life - with a major personal significance attached to it, not only in material terms, but also personal potential of becoming happy or at least a lot happier than presently. In order to be able to make the best of this opportunity, I have to be able to speak and use my voice, I might have to travel prior to those two dates and I can't afford to be hospitalized. And then... you still reading? .... the surgery, which is meant to remove the gland, bears the risk of a part of the facial nerve being impaired, at least temporarily, in some - albeit few - cases for good. That would result in my lower lip hanging down on one side..., which - you get the picture - would seriously limit my capacity of speaking clearly or doing other things with my voice, not to mention the cosmetic aspect of it. So... I can't afford this, no Sir!

But, hang on, it gets better: While I'm really racking my brain over how to make it through this current muck, my dad calls to tell me that he had to take my mother back to hospital. She fainted about two weeks ago, was immediately being hospitalized, they diagnosed a cardiac condition, took her to a different hospital, placed a cardiac catheter, which perforated a vene, which again caused interior bleeding. Emergency surgery, some more hospitalization, now back at home for a few days and - developping an anaphylactic shock from the medication she needed to take. I am now hearing, she already said these words when going to hospital: "Good-bye, I have been enjoying being with you and loving you for a lifetime". Who needs books or movies, when they can have THAT??!!!

I mean - c'mon - WTF? Has this family banked some bad karma I don't know of? This is outrageous! And why do all bad things always have to happen at the same time, making it so much harder to deal with - each of them taken individually is decent enough a challenge to tackle, the combined crap is just .... insane!

OK, like I said, I allowed myself some venting today, as I am so fucking pissed, I could break those doctors' faces right away for not having informed me more comprehensively about the timing of a follow-up surgery and for not taking better care of me immediately after surgery. And then all the rest happening at specifically THIS time - I am literally out of my mind with rage!

Tomorrow, I will pull myself together, as I have so many, countless times before, and I'll concentrate on things working out well for me - ALL of it: The recovery process, the interview, the job at the end of the month/beginning of next, and - most importantly - the prospect of making every dream come true by successfully managing those two ... appointments by the end of August. Wish me luck - I never needed it any harder than now! And in this context: Thanks Sherry... you know why.

...degrees is what we saw today, wheatherwise. 85% is also the approximate amount of physical strength and well-being I'm back at. In that context: Thank you Sherry for continuously sending the healing vibes as well as Kenia for dedicating a regularly happening prayer session to me.

My health got considerably better with every day for the past few days and I could tell, how my body reclaimed strength and got functional again. I went for two short bike trips, but took it easy. I also went for a swim yesterday, but was careful not to swallow any water to avoid increasing the inflammation again. Today, I went for the checkup and I could tell the relief in the physician when seeing, how much I had improved. As a matter of fact, he even thinks I can do without the bigger surgery now, although he expressed his scepticism at the same time (well, I guess, conventional pyhsicians are just too caught up in that line of thinking, i.e. "it can't just get better without *me* doing anything" or something like that). In addition to the improvements in health, I am proud and relieved to say, that all this progress worked even without taking antibiotics or pain killers, as they would have considerably messed up my intestinal tract, which is a sensitive area and which I've been working on getting healthy for the past 3,5 years. My other doctor, who has been putting in a lot of effort in that regard had confirmed my fear of just annihilating all those accomplishments in one fell swoop, if I had taken antibiotics as well as painkillers. There wouldn't have been a way of doing a job I'm booked for by beginning of next week. So... you can imagine my despair last week and the amount of relief now! Again, thanks for sending the good thoughts my way.

On a totally different note: I was informed by the Managing Editor at Schmapp Guide a while ago that two of my images were selected for this year's edition. She now sent me another note, letting me know that those images will also appear in a special iPhone edition they just released. The images we're talking about are those two:

So, I'm now an "official" part of the iPhone ;-)

Beach

I am currently travelling on business. I am in Binz on Ruegen, which is a famed health resort with quite some history. After having travelled to this place an entire day on an empty stomach, then meeting with the hotel director of a newly opened resort, I finally got to go for dinner at around 10 p.m. On the walk back to the hotel, it came to me like a tropical storm: I have been wasting most of my life on hanging around wanna-be's (not so much the past 3-5 years, but before that time). I have settled for their standards and failed to challenge myself according to MY standards or let's say: Standards I admire. This relates in large to my professional life and the fact that I have been going after things, which are NOT me, but someone else's dreams (now, who could THAT be?). In trying to please them, I totally - TOTALLY - denied me my own, genuine goals and life to begin with. I know, I sound dramatic and I couldn't blame anyone, if they didn't believe me. But in a nutshell: The first half of my life is a total waste - ALL of it, ALL OF IT! I have made a mockery of myself, betrayed myself and bottomline: Wasted my talents and energy on chasing ghosts. This is a devastating finding and I am getting all the more nervous over some new prospects, which I hope to be a lot closer to the REAL me - whoever that is, but which also will require a far greater effort than I've fooled myself into thinking so far. Actually.... I don't know myself at all and I've just begun to get a rough sense of who that could be. And in that context, I'm beginning to sense that making one's dreams come true requires dedication, perseverance and - luck!

I might not be making too much sense, but I am basically panicking over the finding that NONE of what I've been doing and living so far has ANYTHING to do with who I really I am, what I really need, feel, admire, strive for... you name it. Oh boy... In other words: Back to square one - at an age, when square 1 isn't really an option any more...

On the brighter and lighter side of things: I am hoping to be posting some pics of this place, which is a lovely one, if I didn't have to work ;-) And something else: I'm just now beginning to really see AND feel that all you guys out there visiting me are also for real - and believe it or not, before that, there was only one or two persons, I have had the pleasure to experience that with yet. So... this is good, but scary at the same time...