For the longest time now, I've been settling for mediocrity: On the job, in my personal life, even in areas, where passion should be the predominant quality. In order to escape the boredom that comes with anything being mediocre, I've always believed in intensifying any given feeling by adding something else of a similar feel to it. Here's an example: During the post-surgery days, I'd watch dramatic or violent movies to heighten the sense of pain - not to say that the pain was 'mediocre', it clearly wasn't. But since I couldn't do anything to lessen it (or anything else to take my mind off it), I chose to intensify it - by mentioned choice of movies.
Some people might think now, I was a masochist, but I don't believe I am that. I think, this behaviour comes from an oversized wish of living life to the fullest at times, when I didn't have that opportunity. I am in the process of liberating myself, shedding the shackles and losing a number of burdens - in fact, I'm reinventing myself in a way. I might not be able to do so completely, as in that case I'd have to erase much of my memory and start over, making new experiences. But I guess it's safe to say, I have changed and keep changing my perspective on things. And eventually, I won't have to resort to strange behaviours of intensifying any given event any more, as the experience(s) in itsself/themselves will become .... more and more perfect. Keep your fingers x-ed for me.