It's really amazing, amusing, a tad scary and wondrous - all at the same time: Here I am, facing one of the darkest times of my life ever. Literally everything I have been working towards over my past 15-20 years in terms of a professional life is gradually, but rapidly falling apart. My tax declaration for 2006 almost has me go bankrupt and there will be just a tiny, tiny portion of money left to avoid getting evicted from my home. The new contacts I have been working on, seem to function, but aren't enough to support me, meaning the effort-result ratio is not in my favour... or in other terms: The work doesn't pay as much as I would need to cover cost of living. Hence, I've begun reducing expenses to the very basic needs like food, lodging, clothing and I might have to get accustomed to the thought of selling the beloved MINI Cooper - and maybe even do without a car at all for some time. The list of adverse events and developments goes on, but I spare you the details as they might be too boring to hear/read.
So, in going through this process of seeing my old life dissolve into a fading memory (which might equal "progress" when being viewed from a different perspective), I am faced with a number of probing questions, e.g. where are my strongest talents, what is it that really makes me happy, have I ever been happy at all, what is meaningful to me, where do I find faith etc. etc. In other terms: I have to assess my assets and align them with my true needs and goals in life. I guess, it's needless to say that this isn't exactly an easy process to deal with - on the other hand: Probably a very mundane one, which most of us have to face or have faced at some point in their lives. I know for a fact that I've heard of such situations from other people, for the most part instigated by potentially lethal illnesses, loss of a dear person (or even a number of dear persons as I learnt last night), loss of wealth or other life events, which present themselves as wake-up calls.
In my case, I do remember having been in a similar situation for the first time, when I had just left the military and begun an apprenticeship with a company selling music equipment. The apprenticeship didn't last, but I was able to meet people who reaffirmed my assumption that only faith in yourself gets you where you want to be in life - and so I left the company and went after my first dream: To be a full-time, professional musician. My first shot at that didn't yield the anticipated outcome, but at least I was able to support myself. Anyway, let's not look backwards, but into the future: What am I going to do with my life and talents?
While looking at past attempts of answering these questions to myself, the results that came about and how they made me feel, I find myself being not as bold and unintimiated as in earlier years - which doesn't come as too big a surprise as I'm just not 23 anymore and second chances tend to wear out over time. Despite of my uncertainty, my worrying and worries ranging from concern to blunt panic attacks, I was stunned to find this in my mailbox today, which is part of a newsletter I am still subscribed to as one of my measures to plan the migration to Canada. I can't lie: It had a tremendous effect on me and almost got me misty... It seems as if I were attracted to the more artistic aspects of my personality, as I like myself better that way than in the traditional role of a career-oriented person.
But... I've learnt this: It's better to take one's time in making profound and potentially life-altering decisions. So I'll allow myself to let this sink in and sit there for a while before drawing premature conclusions and taking action. Nonetheless: Isn't it interesting how these things come your way...? It seems to prove that there is no such thing as coincidence and a quote from a movie might apply as well: There are no ordinary moments.