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I will start this (long) post with a story from Paris. A few days ago, I went to my favorite cafe in Paris. It is next to my favorite parc with the greatest view and a very nice genuine atmosphere (since it becomes more and more crowded I will not say more :-)).
I go very often there (alone or with friends) but I am always "formal" with the owners, although I like them very much, partly because of the language barrier and partly because of my character. I don't know how to explain it but I always keep a distance from any type of "authority" (including bar owners, professors, or military officers :-)) even if I am "allowed" or even encouraged to get closer. I think that one of the reasons is that I don't want to feel "privileged".
But anyway, the weather was good and inside it was almost empty. While entering the people working there (a man and a woman) looked at me like saying "it is being a lot of time to see you". I "said" the same and I thought to order immediately before sitting. At the same time in their above look they added a "What would you like to order?" expression suitable for regular customers. However, for some reason I decided to sit without ordering (feeling guilty refusing them the intimacy of a "regular" customer and for the extra trouble). So, the woman came to take the order (a "cafe au lait"). When she brought my coffee, I realized that she didn't bring water (they often do). When I asked politely for a bottle of water, she told me annoyed that "I should have ordered everything together for her not to have to go back and forth".
I felt very bad. Before she comes, I was thinking how lucky I was to find this place with these nice people, etc. I felt betrayed and I started making bad thoughts and my blood was "boiling". (I was also a little guilty because I the option to make it easier for had passed from my mind). But then I thought of the army and the first, and maybe most important "lesson", I learned there: to completely ignore any type of insult or negative remark.
It is very interesting how bad people feel when they get insulted by anyone (from small kids, to army officers that insulting is their job, to unknown people in the street, to stupid people, anyone). It is not logical! I could write a lot about this but think about it. Why? We could actually adapt one of my favorite quotes: "If it holds why are you offended? If it doesn't hold why are you offended?" :-)
(the original quote says something like "If you can change it, why are you sad? If you cannot change it, why are you sad?")
Anyway, I have already written a lot and I didn't write any story from the army. But instead of telling you about all the insults I received analyzing my reactions etc., I will finish with a nice joke I was told there:
There was a gypsie who made a lot of money and decided to go to live in a rich neighborhood. He bought land besides a doctor's house and build a similar house. One day he saw the doctor and told him:
- you see doctor? We are the same. We live in the same neighborhood, we have the same house.
- No, replied the doctor. We are not the same. I have a ferrari. Look at your car.
The next day, the gypsie buyed the newest ferrari model. He found again the doctor and told him:
- You see doctor? We are the same now. I have also a ferrari.
- No, replied the doctor. You may have a ferrari now, but you don't have a swimming pool!
The next day, the gypsie built a swimming pool in his garden. So, he found again the doctor and told him:
- Now what do you think? We are the same or not?
- OK, said the doctor. You won. We are the same.
- No, replied the gypsie. We are not exactly the same! I have as a neighbor a doctor, but you have as a neighbor a gypsie!
ileanaa says:
ileanaa replies:
Panayotispro says:
Actually, the word "insult" is not correct. In greek we have an expression that if translated directly would read like "he/she told "her" to me". Trying to figure out what "her" refers to (in greek many objects/concepts have gender) I realized that all insult, offense, remark are feminine :-)
Anyway, in the army this was my permanent fear. Not to be told "her" by an officer. One of the cases I remember failing was a day that after lunch we shouldn't wait for everybody to finish in order to return all together to our platoon (this was the most boring moments -waiting under the sun for everybody to gather). Thus, I postponed smoking the cigarette that I planned to smoke while waiting for later (this is one of the reasons everybody starts smoking in the army: the endless meaningless waiting hours). I put it over my ear since I had already got it our of the box and headed to the platoon. But I didn't realize that my officer was behind me (I hated him!) and at some point I heard "E! Where are you going like this? What are you? A workman or a soldier?". I really cannot understand now why I felt bad. This was his job. To insult and rebuke (?) the soldiers. Why should I be offended?
This made me think a lot on the concept of insulting and how irrationally sensitive people are when they face a negative personal remark. I tend to believe that is healthier for people to become resistant to offense than trying to avoid "her" :-) We can only learn from remarks even if they are "impolite". Censoring them through "politeness" can only make us more vulnerable. The ideal is to know what we are and either try to change what we don't like or be proud of what we keep.
For example, I don't care to have a ferrari. I prefer this :-)
Ileana? Would you come with me for a ride on this next generation automobile? :-)
Panayotis edited this comment 15 months ago.
ileanaa replies:
Theresa says:
I liked your story. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies: Full Metal Jacket. Have you seen it? I didn't like it at all when I first saw it when I was about 20yrs old (roughly) while my male freinds loved it. I have come to understand it better with time. Excellent movie. One of my other all-time favorite movies is "An Officer and a Gentleman". Have you seen that? Always loved that movie - especially the scene where the Richard Gere character "helps" his female schoolmate (for want of a better word, they are both officer candidates in the movie) over the wall she must get over to pass the "course". I liked the movie for the same reason I liked Norma Rae and other stories of working class "heros". I hated Pretty Woman, though - another "romanitic" Richard Gere movie with a different ideology.
To answer your question about the cafe owners, it could be that they thought you were of a higher " class" than them and that you were sending the message that you didn't mix with lower classes? That you thought of them as servants perhaps? Misunderstandings like this happen often and wars sometimes start because of a little insult that was based on a misunderstanding.
Be blunt. Say what you mean and ask for what you want. That's my motto. Don't assume, just ask - get it out in the open. Its just a question. Sorry, I couldn't resist adding that line :))
By the way. I followed your advice in one of your other blog posts. The one about going for a walk without "stuff" like keys etc. I always carry too much junk around. After reading that post I travelled to whitehorse and back to vancouver (and a few other places) with only my wallet and house keys for each location! (well also a little pocket camera). Very liberating!
Panayotispro replies:
I agree very much with your motto! Have you read my post about farts and bad thoughts? I think that it is related :-)
As for walking without much staff :-), I am very happy I contributed in you carrying only the essential (for the camera I understand, but you could get rid of the keys also :-)). Btw, women are especially susceptible in carrying useless things with them. I always wanted to understand why but never asked. I will may start a survey on this :-)
Theresa says:
Panayotispro replies: