It's hard to have friends when I feel like everyone is laughing behind my back or judging me. I feel like if I smile at someone, I am laying myself bare to anyone and everyone who cares to pass judgement. Any sly remark, any comment someone makes is instantly subject to scrutiny, attempts to figure out if there's an underlying negative. People across a crowded room who appear to be looking in my general direction are "obviously" looking at me, judging me, laughing at me, finding me lacking. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. Objectively and mentally, I can tell myself that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling these things. Even my friends are people I can't really trust not to judge and criticize me. It's really hard to live like this, everyday wondering who is passing what judgements on me. Who is being honest with me, who's talking about me, who is being a friend to my face and then talking about me behind my back. Everyday is like this. So I close myself off. I stay away from people, or at least I try to. If I don't, it gets to a point where I can't breathe, I can't see straight, I can't think straight or speak without feeling utter anxiety.

I honestly worry that I don't even know what love is, how it feels, how it should be. Love in my life has always been comingled with anger, abuse, sex, harsh words, criticism, ugliness. I don't think I know how to differentiate all the emotions. The only thing I do know is sadness and depression. Everything else gets confused. And I worry that my daughter is suffering and will suffer for it. I don't want to break her. I don't want to confuse her, but I don't know how to help her when I can't even help myself.

I know my family doesn't like me. They love me, don't get me wrong, but they really don't like me. I've screwed up my life too many times and in too many ways, shirking their advice and essentially telling them to eff out of my affairs too frequently for them to do anything beyond the most cursory of caring. I feel alienated from my family, something I never wanted. And yet, I don't feel comfortable with my family, either. I feel that they are constantly judging me, finding me lacking, seeing all that's wrong in my life and holding it against me. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I've failed myself, like I've failed them...like I'm failing my daughter. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate it.