My mind was whirling with thoughts of my mother wanting me to look at Playboy magazines. I still held to my adolecent idea of becoming a sex object for men in order to hurt my mother for what she had done to me. I tried and failed at participating at a local Playboy event in highschool. However, seeing the X-rated newspapers and adult bookstore during my walk in the new town I moved to reignited my desire to be a sex object.

Perhaps the X-rated newspapers or adult bookstore could lead me to other opportunities to get involved in the adult entertainment industry. These were crazy irrational thoughts.

I stood in front of the covered glass door of the adult bookstore. What kind of world lay behind that dirty glass door? I pulled it open and walked in. I went through a short hallway that turned into the main section of the bookstore. I felt like I was struck by an invisible force causing me to fall back several steps. What was before me was a world I could never have imagined.

The place had a stale smell of a used bookstore. The odor of cigarette smoke was also in the air. The walls were lined with magazines covered in plastic sleeves with numbers. There was a section for videos and sex toys. In the middle of the room were rows of books, magazines and newspapers on display. I saw soft core porn like Playboy, Hustler, Club, and Gallery magazine. Other magazines depicted various kinds of fetish--hair, oral sex, breasts, butts, legs, feet, bondage, sm...I was stunned to discover that real people were engaged in these various kinds of sexual activities. The imaginations of my fantasy play were realized in these magazines and videos.

In the back of the bookstore was a curtained entrance where I saw booths on either side of the walls. These were private coin operated video booths. I could hear the sound of women panting and screaming as they were engaged in sex acts.

I wandered around in the bookstore in a total daze. I looked at one plastic wrapped magazine titled, Kidnap. The cover showed a woman ball gagged and tied with ropes. She was wearing an aerobics outfit--a satin bathing suit with white tights. The rear cover showed a business woman with a gag around her mouth and tied with ropes in a chair. My heart was pounding like crazy. These models were doing the exact same things I was doing in my fantasy play as a child. I selected a few magazines and gave them to the guy at the register. He took down the numbers and asked me to return the magazines to the display wall while he pulled out the magazines I wanted. The magazines were placed into a plain brown bag and I left the bookstore.

Once I stepped outside into the bright sunlight it was like waking up from a dream. Now I was back in the normal world of people walking the streets, cars driving around and birds flying in the blue sky. I turned and looked at the dirty glass door of the adult bookstore. The world behind that door was unreal yet, in days to come I found myself drawn to that door and urged to enter again its world of unreality.