After graduating highschool I left home to go to college. I thought that life would get better being away from my family's dysfunction. Unfortunately, the anger, hate, pain, humiliation, sadness and loneliness that I struggled with continued to cling to me. Merely moving away physically from my family could not heal the years of abuses I experienced.

I surrounded myself with people and got involved with group activities at shcool and a local church. I was developing new friendships which were bringing me joy but not to a point where I felt safe to share about my shameful past. I spent a lot of time in the church sanctuary weeping and asking the Lord to cleanse me and help me.

My tendency towards sexual promiscuity in highschool as a way to soothe my loneliness was still a temptation but I refrained from this after I moved away from my home. Masturbation continued to be a drug to help comfort me but it always left me feeling empty and ashamed.

One day I was walking around town to explore the surroundings of the new city I had moved to. I passed by coin newsstands on the sidewalk that sold X-rated newspapers. I was shocked that these were openly in the public where even a child could drop in some quarters to buy a paper. All of a sudden memories of my mother urging me to take the Playboy magazines resurfaced into my mind. Again rage for my mother swept over me and the idea of becoming a Playboy model to punish my mother began to fixate into my thoughts. At that moment during my walk I saw an adult bookstore.

It was a windowless storefront with a simple sign on the outside. Nothing about the storefront was appealing. It was an ugly weather beaten concrete wall with one door leading into its X-rated world. I passed by with disgust but already there were ideas being thrust into my mind by the devil as to what I could do to carry out my revenge against my mother.