I was in highschool when the following incident happened. I was in my bedroom when my mother came in and asked me, "Do you want these?". She had been cleaning my father's junk in the living room. In her arms she held a stack of magazines. I saw the kind of magazines she had and they weren't ones I wanted to look at. I said, "No". As if to change my mind she said, "They're Playboy". Irritably I said again, "No".

I couldn't believe what my mother had just done. That day any respect I had for her evaporated. "Why the hell is my mother urging Playboy magazines on me for? Does she think so little of me as a person? Does she think I'm just a common bimbo who wants to sell her body to entertain men's lusts?". I was completely bewildered and didn't know how to respond to my mother's encouragement to look at pornography.

As the days went on I became more and more angry at what my mother had done. I was so angry that when I saw an ad in the newspaper that Playboy magazine was having an audition for an event in a city nearby I went. I went to the audition thinking, "If my mother considers me a cheap sex object for men I'll become one and she'll be sorry she ever encouraged me to look at porn". Somehow word got around school that I did the Playboy audition and guys were being their typical hormone overdosed jerks around me.

That one incident with my mother left such an indelible impression on me that for the years to come I pursued my sexual promiscuity as an act of revenge against her. Looking back I see how stupid I was--why should I abuse and degrade myself in order to communicate to my mother that I hated what she did to me? But, at the time the idea to become a Playboy-type sex object became my way to punish my mother for failing to be a real mother who could have loved, respected and encouraged me to embrace my worth as a person designed in the image of God.