My mental and emotional pain were also soothed by gagging and tying myself up. The physical sensation of pressure on my skin was comforting. I would struggle in my binds as hard as I could then relax my muscles. I now know that this act of tightening and relaxing the muscles is a form of Progressive Relaxation Exercise. After discovering my like for silky, sheer, soft material, I would dress up then gag and tie myself up. In the beginning this was all I needed to comfort myself. As I got older I began to create my "fantasy play"--a particular scenario of a damsel in distress (see my article Storyline).

Around the time of junior highschool I was doing my fantasy play. I was struggling in my binds and all of a sudden I felt this outburst of unbelievable pleasure in my genital area. I was scared and happy. I had no idea what happened but I wanted to recreate this feeling. Eventually I was able to produce the same euphoric response and I was hooked on my special pleasure. I didn't realize this until later, but my experience was an orgasm. The binds were touching my genital area and during my struggles the binds were rubbing against my clitoris.

When I started highschool I stopped gagging and tying myself up to stimulate an orgasm. Instead I manually pleasured myself into orgasms. Masturbating was almost a daily activity for me as my mind and body raged with sexual desires to be released. I always felt ashamed after masturbating but I could not stop. I was also ashamed of my desires to be sexually promiscuousf (kissing, heavy petting but not intercourse) but I longed so much to be loved and wanted. I dressed in suggestive ways in tight tops and mini skirts. In my mind I knew this was such a slutty way to treat myself but I couldn't stop. I always loved proms and times when I could dress up in silky satin blouses, dresses, pantyhose and highheels. It was like a drug I would get high on.

Last, I have to share that on my graduation night I had my first sexual experience. I asked my date to take me to a hotel to gag and tie me up. I hadn't felt this kind of tight binding since junior highschool when I discovered masturbating. When he gagged and bound me I felt the old rush of soothing pleasure. Afterwards I felt so dirty and cheap I wept horribly. My life was out of control but I couldn't escape my desires to indulge my secret pleasures.