Although I felt totally humiliated and shamed by my sister's actions in forcing me to show her my drawing and her reaction to it, I continued to draw. I did not understand the pain inside of me but I knew that I had to somehow get it outside of me. In private I would yell, scream, hit, kick and destroy things to express my rage, hate and pain but the drawings gave shape to my inner world of pain in a physical way of metaphors or associations that mere physical actions did not.

As I matured from a child into an adult I found that my drawings became more sexual: I was drawing more nudity, genitals, orgasms and sexual acts. In fact, the unmet needs of my childhood were being sexualized. That is, my childhood comfort in silky clothing and tying myself up became sexual triggers as an adult to comfort me in my pain, sadness and lonliness. Even when I saw women wearing pantyhose or silky clothing I would feel a rush of pleasure in my body. If I imagined a woman tied up I would also experience the same rush. My fetishes became the drugs I was addicted to in order to soothe the emptiness I felt inside of me.

Over time I had to retrain my brain and body to respond sexually not to objects (silky material and binds) but to a real human being. Through counselling and the support of my husband, I was beginning to develop this new way of dealing with my sexuality. It has not been easy and I still struggle. I view myself like an alcoholic or other addict that has to find structure, accountability, and acceptance of my condition in order to regain sanity in my life.