After returning home from my trip to Los Angeles it has been suggested to me that I look for a grief counselor or group to deal with the death of my cousin and my friend about a year and half ago. Although I have been grieving both of them I have to admit that in fact I do find myself being very negative and feeling as if I am in a down portion of my long term depression cycle. Not something that I am unfamiliar with, as this is my lot in life. The cycles used to come faster and the bottom was deeper and seemed to last longer, I now have many more emotional tools to deal with this condition but right now or for awhile I have been somewhat unhinged or off balance. Part of it is the situation for me at work which was very positive for a moment and then the rug was pulled out and the situation went down quite rapidly and now we are being moved to new offices and I am going to be in an internal office with no windows in a room with a former friend who I can't stand now and the feeling is quite mutual. So I am not a happy camper, but that is beside the point, it is the fundamental issue of my loss that probably has been at the bottom of my current malaise. The feeling of lack of control which the death of my cousin and friend and the feeling of no power at work too is very frustrating and disturbing to me. I feel pushed along on the wheel of life with the passage of time and the approaching finality to life of others in my life and the positioning of me on that road trip to oblivion. I am of the school "do not go gently into the night", I hate the idea of my own demise and non being and the fear of no legacy scares me as I am frightened of being forgotten and unmourned. Having no kids with no continuity into the future bothers me a lot now as I get older. While I enjoy my art work it sets no mark in the world, it changes nothing and brings me no closer to some mythical greatness that would make some impression on the now and possibly into the future so someone will remember who I am or who I was as if this is monumental to the world, It is to me, and that my cousin who was six months younger than me and my friend who was my age are both gone scares the bejeesus out of me and disturbs me greatly and I feel at the same time the mournful loss of both of them. I missed out on my cousins life near the end, only to be shocked by the physical changes his illness wrought upon his body and the vulnerability of his condition. I got a little time before I took him to the emergency room to the hospital where his life ended. This was my previous real trip home, the next trip was to his funeral. My friend at least came to new york to visit the hospital so I could share his changes and share his life for that short time and his passing was also very difficult. The most painful part is as much as I could do for both of them, it all seemed so inadequate and I feel so pained and forlorn.

ta ta for now