Today I had to take my cat to the vet and end his life. All quality of life for him ended when he began to convulse which led to him losing his control over his muscles. I feel pretty certain he had a stroke of some kind. I have bonded to my Sam over the last few years through having to take care of him medically on numerous instances. I have had to do a regimen of pills, drops, asthma medicine, intravenous fluids and other medications. Sam was a survivor of 9/11 and had been rescued the on the 12Th of September. So he had been exposed to all the toxins from the destruction of the WTC. I believe this contributed greatly to his later ills, especially his asthma. At the end, I was giving him intravenous fluids nightly with pills morning and evening. And that routine really bonded the two of us, after having to do the procedure he would get a treat and then he would come over and demand time being held on my shoulder. So this was my life for the last couple of years with him. Plus he was such a soulful little old man, I would wake up in bed with him leaned against my back or sitting on my shoulder on the pillow. Burmese cats are just amazing people oriented felines. Tonight I am just cried out, emotionally flat from being emotionally and physically spent. Up since four thirty in the morning I never could get myself to sleep again. Tonight I go to school and fought to stay awake. Some people will avoid being with their pets when they are put to sleep but I believe the deal is that if we the owner decide it is time, then we owe our pets the obligation to be there for them at the end. And I have kept that promise 3 times now with cats. It never gets easier but I do know the routine and I am glad even if it is painful that I decided to keep that promise. I can sleep easier knowing that I have shown in some small way that I am the person I want to be.

Perhaps I shouldn't write about this, instead find some visual manner to share this with you but right now I am not sure how to do that so this will have to suffice.

ta ta for now