So I feel my knees buckling a bit. I don't want to show to anyone that I do feel a bit terrified and nervous about this new role in my life. It is like you're the person that they will need to call for crisis response and to provide steps to ensure safety. With this, there comes a great role to endure and demonstrate even for me. I love to work with people and I love to see how they begin to feel better over time. I've also seen those who aren't ready and have held themselves back. I've never worked with a population of elderly people as intensively. I feel that on this probationary period, I must demonstrate understanding and good work. I feel nervous about this. Am I ready to handle such challenge? I will certainly do my best.
Today I met another woman who is a client to our program. She has mental health issues but she is quite wise and charismatic. So I try to look at people for who they are and not their illness. Too often we dwell on how sick someone is and somehow come to only view this person as. What about all the good and beautiful things about this person? Do we just toss it out once we see the not so pretty sides of their life unfold before us? Even those of us who are without any mental health or serious illnesses still produce ways of which others to question or even label us. Today my supervisor spent time speaking with me which I again I was being felt out. People want to see if you are ready and if you are the one to fulfill those duties. I understand. Today I may have showed a bit of my vulnerable and doubtfulness. I shared with her about my burned out with my previous position. She wanted to know how I liked my previous job. I was honest with her.
I told her that I enjoyed working with children/teens but the administrative segment was missing for me. The ability to show care and support for your workers and to feel appreciated, I longed for. Inquisitively, she looked at me. I told her that support is very *Important* for me. We are humans in this public social service arena. As our clients that we serve grow tired, so do we. When we are tired, pick us up as we do to pick up our clients. I have to learned to not show my vulnerability early in this aspect of learning a new job, people will begin to wonder and to know whether to consider you further. Yet I still feel nervous. Tomorrow I shall be working with my coworker(s) to serve the homeless. This experience I anticipate.
As I was feeling tired upon my arrival at home, I thought, are you ready? Why are you starting to be hard on you? I think that certain roles we play in our lives are specific to certain people. A lot of us do not have the patience. I do because I care. I endure a lot from working professionally thus far in these different type of social service jobs. It has allowed greater understanding of what people go through and being there to see what it does to them personally-it is like looking at all sides of rubik's cube. You twist and flip the life inside your hand-to study, understand, and want to fix it perfectly along each side. In a reality, this is not fixable. You can ease the issues but you don't cure everything. Perhaps I am in transition myself. I need to shed but I won't turn heartless. Though being told to detach is somehow a helpful advice. I cannot just shut off that aspect of me. I cannot just stare a person in their eyes, and not show that I am there with them.