I don't know for sure what I want to say. I just want to be in touch with you and let you into my head a bit...it's not too scary- I don't think it is anyway.
This is not about Christmas. So- if you need to maintain your jolly self in a holiday mood- stop reading right now. I don't think I'm dark but sometimes my brain's workings belie my surface. My boyfriend calls me a gentle realist and a mensch. I think of of myself as having a masculine mentality. I've always gotten along better with men than women. Just the way it is. He looks at my feminine appearance and says "No, you're all woman". Okay. Course he doesn't quite understand how I could've had a lesbian relationship for seven years. But that's another story. That whole scenario just validates my relationship to the males of the species. Think, broken heart, huge financial debt because of relationship and loss of custody of child. NO-she did not get pregnant in the back of a car by mistake. It took two years of fertility treatments. Since I cannot produce sperm. Yeah, I know. Anyway. Yup, I'm a gentle realist. That's my youngest daughter below in a picture I found on the web on an internet dating site. It's been nearly five years since I've seen her. This pic's about four years old. I can't help but wonder what she's doing for Christmas.
Next topic: Feeling so at home one wouldn't mind dying. Odd sensation of the day yesterday. My studio makes me feel so serene I could actually imagine myself dying a natural death there quite happily. I know I don't want to die anytime soon- so this thought took me completely by surprise. My studio feels more like home to me than any other place on the planet. It's a genuine feeling of being in a happy childhood home. Did you ever feel like that?
So yeah, that's been my brain since yesterday. Probably shouldn't look at old blogs at holidays. Things have been worse and now they're better. Remember to count your blessings. There's always someone who's worse off than you are. Peace. oxo josie
P.S. I asked my mother after my father's suicide why our lives had to be so difficult or hard. She responded, "Everyone's life is difficult, Jo. Most people don't talk about theirs." She was a wise woman.
Online dictionary for Straw Houses www.merriamwebster.com