Caught Between A Place I've Never Been and A Place I'll Never Be

There's a danger to telling one's life on the web, I've been advised.

It hasn't gone unthought of.

The potential of one's story being claimed by someone else comes to mind.

It's not been a fairy tale so far.

I'd be curious to see someone else's conclusion.

Walk a mile in my shoes and tell me how it turns out.

I was at the gym yesterday feeling angry and sad and all kinds of pissed off. it pumped the workout but i wasn't in a good place. i was thinking about the guy, handsome one who pranced around behind my machine for half an hour and interrupted me when i broke into full stride as the clock on the machine hit 30 min last week.
i was bothered by other things but was choosing to focus my energy on how much he'd annoyed me. i was shocked by his inconsiderate nature. he had to know i wouldn't be able to keep up that pace for very long. i thought he'd just been working out behind me that whole half hour...

in-grained training made me defer with a smile to him. that made me pissed at myself. his looks dissipated before my eyes tho...all i could think was- handsome is as handsome does. i was feeling extra bitchy so i imagined a beautiful wife, impossible to satisfy, for him.

after i got off that machine i started my nautilus routine. my father's suicide has been on my mind lately which causes me to remember also my high school boyfriend who shot himself down by the Connecticut River. Shotgun blast to the chest. I can't imagine...

we hadn't been in touch except just shortly before he died. my mother and i saw him in Pulaski Park and he apologized for having been confrontational with my dad when we dated. we told him not to worry. he was a wild child, motorcycle guy with an old Comet with fins. a foster child with one bike on the road and one in parts in a peach basket.

i pressed 150 on the leg machine thinking about all that.

i still felt pretty much like crap later. went home to eat a turkey burger. Dr Phil for company. i like pop psychology. the day's show was on suicide. a reminder that suicide is an irrational act that can't be made rational. comforting except that i was also reminded suicidal thoughts are fleeting and if they pass the person can survive. yeah, so, comforted and conflicted.

Played Yoville and hung out with virtual friends. rained all day.

Got to be evening and I decided to go for a drive. That's when I saw the biggest, fattest rainbow I've ever seen. It started next to Pulaski Park and crossed the Connecticut River to Hadley with a Maxfield Parrish sky for backdrop.

Travelling light , I'd left my cam at home.

That's something I don't usually do.

You'll have to believe me about the rainbow. it was magical.

I believe everything will be alright.