With no one beside you there’s no one to apply the brakes


When life without physical contact, emotional support,


Becomes untenable


When pressure drives you into a pretend world


Full of pleasurable (?) distractions


That take you away from what you are


Who you have to be


What it is that threatens you.




A fine balance.


That between accepting worries


And dispelling them to prevent stagnation and inaction


To prevent dwelling on life’s darkness and what you don’t possess


Is anything worth it?


You decide




In those moments of contemplative pause


Memories stir and awaken with every smell,


Every sight


Every lingering touch


As the mind seeks to return to a time when it was behind walls


When the world was outside


And it was on the inside.




Each memory now becomes painful


I can’t go back there


Once passed it can never be recreated


The time, the feeling, the innocence




Is it only to continue functioning that I convince myself that I am in a better place now?


That being aware, with the aid of intellectual x-ray,


I can now see through, inside and behind everything.


Expose all that I see.


The eyes can lie




But if you question your eyes,


You see more than you are supposed to






What is it worth?


To see through everything


It’s too dark for me


I hoped for more


We tell ourselves there is more


Life is but a track on which are wagons listlessly bump and grind and slide along


Towards the end of the line


You can only go where the track takes you


Only see what it permits you to see




Somehow I feel I have become decoupled


Left the train


The happy








That whistles along through stations with attractive advertising


Adding more passengers to it’s burgeoning, creaking,


Well painted, but pallid coaches.



At the junction


The one I arrived at


Soon after decoupling




Takes me through too many tunnels


On entering each tunnel


The eyes



The dark tunnels


Contain so much


There’s a firm overseeing beauty in its structure


Hidden behind the detritus


It will remain there long after the cold winds blow the rest away



These tunnels are punctuated


By searing sunlight

That dazzles me


I know that which it illuminates


Is a pristine and pure beauty


Devoid of humans


Time prevents my eyes from adjusting in time to recognise and understand this place


As another tunnel is forced upon me


Once more I am forced to find beauty amidst the darkness.




Hope is one equation


That appears to have no solution


No place


Whilst undeniably occupying a position




I dare not observe hope


It may collapse it


To deny it


Collapses life




Where now?


I feel the best I had to offer,


And life in return,


Is behind me and sealed into time




I feel


My mind is not as sharp


My body not as agile


My confidence intertwined with the sands of time


Each grain drops painfully away from me


Out of reach








Certain to end




I’ve screwed up


Forgoing the eloquent representation


Of my situation


I have lost


And I am so




Wander alone?


Further and further with no questioning from outside


Then how will I know if it’s worth wandering


It’s amazing how no voice behind, beside


Leads us into such uncertainty


Am I being me?


Am I being true?


No is going to tell me.




I have wandered alone so, too long




How can I find my way back if


I am lost




I wish for company


For trust and love


For lust


For someone I can care


For some belonging





How many people have drifted passed me


How many have I let go


How many


Will I never know?


I’m too scared to admit


I’m scared life will be over soon


And I will be alone


And still trapped in a tunnel


Lying amongst the rubbish of life


Dreaming of the gentle sun


Smiling upon nature’s incredible,







At least soon,


I will rejoin nature


My carbon donor card ready at my side


My collected thoughts returned to the world from which I borrowed them



The last, lingering thought,


I’m sure


Will be


Sorry to the world


For I could have done more for you


And then one last tunnel


Pure black,


Deathly cold


Which renders all what you saw outside meaningless and inconsequential.



this beautiful photo is from Charon (many thanks)