With no one beside you there’s no one to apply the brakes
When life without physical contact, emotional support,
When pressure drives you into a pretend world
Full of pleasurable (?) distractions
That take you away from what you are
Who you have to be
What it is that threatens you.
A fine balance.
That between accepting worries
And dispelling them to prevent stagnation and inaction
To prevent dwelling on life’s darkness and what you don’t possess
Is anything worth it?
In those moments of contemplative pause
Memories stir and awaken with every smell,
Every lingering touch
As the mind seeks to return to a time when it was behind walls
When the world was outside
And it was on the inside.
Each memory now becomes painful
I can’t go back there
Once passed it can never be recreated
The time, the feeling, the innocence
Is it only to continue functioning that I convince myself that I am in a better place now?
That being aware, with the aid of intellectual x-ray,
I can now see through, inside and behind everything.
Expose all that I see.
The eyes can lie
But if you question your eyes,
You see more than you are supposed to
What is it worth?
To see through everything
It’s too dark for me
I hoped for more
We tell ourselves there is more
Life is but a track on which are wagons listlessly bump and grind and slide along
Towards the end of the line
You can only go where the track takes you
Only see what it permits you to see
Somehow I feel I have become decoupled
Left the train
That whistles along through stations with attractive advertising
Adding more passengers to it’s burgeoning, creaking,
Well painted, but pallid coaches.
At the junction
The one I arrived at
Soon after decoupling
Takes me through too many tunnels
On entering each tunnel
The dark tunnels
Contain so much
There’s a firm overseeing beauty in its structure
Hidden behind the detritus
It will remain there long after the cold winds blow the rest away
These tunnels are punctuated
By searing sunlight
That dazzles me
I know that which it illuminates
Is a pristine and pure beauty
Devoid of humans
Time prevents my eyes from adjusting in time to recognise and understand this place
As another tunnel is forced upon me
Once more I am forced to find beauty amidst the darkness.
Hope is one equation
That appears to have no solution
Whilst undeniably occupying a position
I dare not observe hope
It may collapse it
To deny it
I feel the best I had to offer,
And life in return,
Is behind me and sealed into time
My mind is not as sharp
My body not as agile
My confidence intertwined with the sands of time
Each grain drops painfully away from me
Out of reach
Certain to end
I’ve screwed up
Forgoing the eloquent representation
Of my situation
I have lost
And I am so
Further and further with no questioning from outside
Then how will I know if it’s worth wandering
It’s amazing how no voice behind, beside
Leads us into such uncertainty
Am I being me?
Am I being true?
No is going to tell me.
I have wandered alone so, too long
How can I find my way back if
I am lost
I wish for company
For trust and love
For someone I can care
For some belonging
How many people have drifted passed me
How many have I let go
Will I never know?
I’m too scared to admit
I’m scared life will be over soon
And I will be alone
And still trapped in a tunnel
Lying amongst the rubbish of life
Dreaming of the gentle sun
Smiling upon nature’s incredible,
At least soon,
I will rejoin nature
My carbon donor card ready at my side
My collected thoughts returned to the world from which I borrowed them
The last, lingering thought,
Sorry to the world
For I could have done more for you
And then one last tunnel
Which renders all what you saw outside meaningless and inconsequential.
this beautiful photo is from Charon (many thanks)