I am a slave, a lady, a warrior, a monk and Judas Iscariot

The year is l989

I woke up to a man standing at my bedside. He emanated peace and I immediately felt secure.
Come, he said and reached his hand towards me.
I stood up from my bed, laid my hand in his and followed him without any questions.
We moved quietly through strange surroundings, into a room. It was empty and white.
I looked around curiously. Suddenly pictures appeared in front of me. They came and went so quickly I couldn’t see what they were. But suddenly they stopped.
This was like a movie I could walk into. My escort took my hand and led me into the picture.

I saw a river and knew it was the Mississippi.
A large and beautiful tree stood at the riverbank near a pier and on the pier stood an old, black, man.
I looked at him; he had fishing net in one hand and was looking at a young, white man who was telling him what to do. He was obviously the young mans slave.
I walked towards the old man and looked at his face, it was very wrinkled and his eyes were sad and tired. In them I saw fear. The old man looked back at me and as our eyes met I felt a cold shiver down my back.
This is me, I said.
I was horrified and grabbed my escorts arm.
The old man is me, I yelled at him. How can this be? What’s happening?
As soon as I said these words the image disappeared and another came in its place.

I saw houses along a street and to my right there was a park. I knew this was Paris. There were many people on the street, both on foot and in carriages.
A young woman walked toward me. She had two children with her, a small boy and a girl. She was very elegant, with a hat on her head, tied down with a ribbon under her chin and a coat reachingher ankles. When she walked the front opened revealing pink dress underneath.
I looked at the woman’s face. She was very young and had beautiful skin. She looked at me and as our eyes met my heart stopped. Again I was looking at myself.
This is also me, I said shocked. I was scared and clung to my escort arm. This is really me.
At that moment the picture changed.

Now I was looking over a large prairie.
A man was riding over it, towards us.
He had on a helmet, beautifully carved; it formed a V on his forehead and went down in front of his ears and then curved back behind his ears.
In the far distance I saw a city, I knew it was Rome.
The man stopped near me and took of his helmet. This was a young warrior, fair and very beautiful.
Like a Greek god, I said as our eyes met. Again I was looking at myself.
He to is me, I said to my escort more surprised than frighten now.
The picture changed.

In front of me was a mountain with ledges cut into it. This was Tibet.
Men, women and children, dressed in colorful dresses were standing on the ledges, they were all looking in same direction, behind me.
I walked up the mountain until I came to the top. There I saw monks standing in a row. They were dressed in red frocks with strange, con-shaped hats on their heads.
I looked at them, they were old and young men. My eyes stopped on a young monk standing near me. We looked in each others eyes, the young monk was me.
There I am, I said to my escort as I pointed out the young monk.

The picture changed.
In front of me was a beautiful grove. In the shadows of the trees I saw men sitting and talking to each other.
My escort had been very quiet up till now.
You are there amongst them, he said, speak your name.
His strong, powerful voice filled the room. I had never heard such a voice.
No, I said and turned my back to the picture.
Why not, he asked.
I don’t want to be him, I answered.
You would forgive anyone else, why not your self, he said.
I don’t want to be the man everyone hates, I said very determent.
Don’t you trust your God, he asked mildly.
Yes I do, I answered reluctant. I was like a small, miserable child.
Then try, he said.
I started to cry, turned around and said, Judas Iscariot.
One of the men stood up and came to us, stopping in front of me. He smiled and gave me his hands. I put my hands in his and when our eyes met I knew he was Judas Iscariot and at the same time I was looking at my self.
My escort started talking. I could hear his voice but I did not hear what he was saying for my own crying.
While my escort spoke a golden light shined over our heads were we stood holding hands. When he finished talking he took my hand and led me away. When I looked back I saw the young man watch us leave.
My escort took me back to my bedroom and the next thing I knew I was lying in my bed, crying my eyes out. I was terrified.

I didn’t know what had happened. I had never believed in past lives or anything like that. I didn’t understand this, and I was scared and confused. I tried to dismiss this as just a bad dream but I couldn’t.

In my dream I did not want to forgive my self, I did not want to be that man. That had been a very painful and difficult experience.
At that time in my life I had a sister I could talk to. She could see this objectively and help me by telling mehow this looked to her.
My escort did not abandon me, I met him in my dreams after that. He taught me various things and helped me accept and love myself no matter whom or what I was.
But it took me a long time to understand that these people I had seen were not someone’s I had been in past lives. I was them now, even the one I did not want to be.

We have never been. We are, here and now, for all eternity.

I am the slave, the lady, the worrier, the monk and Judas Iscariot. I am all men at all time, without a doubt.
I am.