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kallio kirkko

In any small village if you ask your local lager lout to give you dirctions to get to some place then they will pick churches as geographical landmarks to guide you to your destination.

Is you ask for the same place from a local upstanding righteous church member then they will use as landmarks the local pubs.

Perhaps that is part of human nature, that dark is attracted to light, and light is attracted to dark. What is on the outside rarely reflects what is on the inside.

In the 1990 the Kallio area of Helsinki was the heart of the red-light district, and there at the top of the hill is Kallio Kirkko built out of granite and solid as the rock of ages. Kallio was a working class area of Helsinki and it was seperated from the upper class down-town area of Helsinki by the "long bridge".

kallio kirkko

Even today Kallio has it strip joints and massage parlours, and it also has its church. The austere facade does not hold out much hope for what you might find inside, but once you enter the building it is glorious.

The style is distictivley Finnish and the decorations are very simple and could have been lifted from pagan Kalevela traditions. You could easily imagine that Gallen-Kallela had a hand in their design.

Hugo Simberg another Finnish painter had a hand in designing the frescos in Tampere Cathedral. His famous works such as The Garden of Death and The Wounded Angel adorn the walls of the Cathedral.

kallio kirkko

Lars Sonck was the architect of both buildings and he ignored all the modern trends and developed a gothic and medieval style.

The decorations within the church are rich and varied and use repeating patterns handpainted in muted and subdued colours.

It is a delight to study the intricate patterns which perhaps have borrowed from the Islamic traditions of tiling tessellations. The catholic church may have the Cistine chapel with florid angels floating in the clouds, but these churches are Lutheran and the hardness of the outward structure has to be balanced by designs both simple and intricate on the inside.

Oh and Jean Sibelius had to get into the act as well so he composed a melody for the seven bells that hang in the bellfry of the Kallio Kirkko.

As you may have guessed I give directions according to the geographical position of churches.

 

aura

"My love is like ripe Roquefort, strong and steaming.
Her presence permeates my mind when I lie dreaming.
Her creamy skin a Philadelphia delight.
I spread her on my cracker, late at night.
A triangle of cheesy spread, she greets my morning.
I peel her soft foil layers as day is dawning.
I ponder on old Parmesan, and lie breath bated,
wondering what her Cheddar would be like grated.
But the cheese which brings to mind my lover true
Is Aura, creamy, crumbly, strong and veiny blue.
I swooned and moaned, brought nearly to the edge.
by juicey moisture from her Gorgonzola wedge.
A hole in Emmental I poke my finger through
and nibble on the salty core, and think my love of you"

emmental

Night and Day

BlueBird: You know what; there is a company up in Iceland that has got hold of the medical records of everyone on that island like, and they know about every disease that everyone has ever had. Tonsillitis, high blood pressure, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia; you name it, they know it.

GoldBird: No shit man??? That’s way weird.

BB: Yeah!!! and what they have done is get samples of folks DNA, and  looked for certain genes, and come up with the idea that certain genes produce certain diseases. I mean to say, they can even take a sample from a baby in the womb, and tell you if its going to be a spastic or whatever.

GB: Man that’s capital Weird!!! Double hairy gnarly man.

BB: Well they were not making enough money with the DNA analysis thing, so they sell all this information to some big insurance company. And you know what man, they begin  to use it to evaluate risks when they sell health insurance. You know, like, if you have a heart attack gene there in no way you are going to get life insurance.

GB: Bummer man, No way!!!

BB: Capital way man. It’s all about risk evaluation, and the next thing you know it’s about crime prevention. I mean to say if the police got a hold of our DNA we’d be shoved straight in the slammer, faster than shit off a hot shovel.

GB: Man your freaking me out, like major big time. Bad vibes man.

BB: Mega mega major freak I’m telling you.  Like would you want to know if you were a  Tay-Sachs carrier?  You are screwed if you get one base pair wrong. Just one letter wrong. Like, one in twenty five Ashkenazi Jews are carriers of Tay-Sachs disease, and they screen themselves so they don’t team up with the wrong partner.

GB: Holy shit, you mean no more screwing around?

BB: Next thing you know there’s a eugenics programme going, and marriage laws about who can wed and what not, and after that, to get it right, people are having designer babies. You know like, they’d have babies with the brains of Albert Einstein and the bodies of Britney Spears.

GB: But what if the babies got Britney’s brains… that would be way cool man, a world of singing babies.

BB: Yeah that would be way cool!!!  Babies singing hit me one more time. There must be, just gotta  be a singing gene out there. Some protein that codes for good vocal chords, some bit of DNA that gives you perfect pitch. They could inject it into all of those losers that audition for pop-idol.

GB: You mean like a talent gene??? Right on!!!

BB: Exactly!!! You would never need to practice the piano, you would just sit down and play it, and the French could have a language gene implanted so they would be forced to speak something other than Froggie.

GB: Crescent fresh idea dude. They should go for it major like!!!

BB: You want to know something really weird? Like some dude in Japan took the notes from the “Death March” by Mozart and used some strange algorithm to convert them into a protein sequence, and then, when he searched some protein database in Switzerland he found out that the notes had been transcribed into a protein that was responsible for cancer. You get it?

GB: Musical DNA like??? Incredible with a capital IN!!!

BB: Exactly!!! So here’s my plan, I mean to say, I am thinking out of the box here. Tossin’ a few ideas around. It’s simple really. You know that serotonin or something like that, some dopamine thing, some chemical from this spliff, or just plain old booze, alters the way we feel, readjusts our brain chemistry. Well we reverse the process, and we turn the chemical or protein or whatever, into music.

GB: Like music is the drug??? That rawks man!!! Kool!!! Sure as hell would knock seven colours of shit out of MTV. We could make millions… Wicked… Yeah!!!

BB:Mega Kool dudester!!!

Listen to music generated from the protein sequence  alcohol dehydrogenase

 

 

Seeds seeds seeds

Bono, the lead singer from the rock band U2 is famous thoughout the entertainment industry for being more than a little self-righteous.

He is out to save the world, and perhaps wants a knighthood like Sir Bob.

I mean to say he has shook the hands of the pope. Must be his Irish catholic roots.

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland he asked the audience for total silence,

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands once every few seconds. THe audience were spellbound, then he said into the microphone "Everytime I clap my hands a child in Africa dies"

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...

"Well fucking stop doing it then ya evil bastard"

 

Red rose bud

Red rose when plucked, my soaring heart did thrill,

Dried rose by candlelight, excites me still.

Locked heart yields not, the secrets of the soul,

By candle light, all secrets can unfold.

Skin feels the touch of frost, the chill of snow,

Bathed warm by candle light, healed by its glow.

Shadows fade, age no longer haunts the night,

Youth again returns in that wonderous light.

I just peed my pants

Funfair what a misnomer, they should be called Waitingfairs becuse most of your time is spent standing in a queue.

You can spend a good 20 minutes waiting for a ride that gives you whiplash and makes you puke if you have just stuffed your face with french fries and drunk a can of warm special brew lager.

Vomiting is not so bad if you don't direct it onto your own trousers, indeed it gives some sort of relief, but where it gets difficult is when  you barf a the pinnicle of the ride, and the trajectory of the spew is such that it ends up in the coiffure of some unsuspecting female.

Did you just barf in my hair?

If you spend 4 hours at a funfair, you will most likely at a maximum, be on the various rides for half an hour. The rest of the time is spent queuing. This is a form of torture.

Instead of waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay detention camp the US army should build a huge funfair and have the inmates queue forever for rides that they will never get on.

They should be made to stand in the hot sun with a melting icecream in their hands, never being able to eat it.

It has to dribble over their knuckles, and splatter on to the toes of their bare feet. They can not clean it up. It has to be very very messy.

Was it worth the wait?

In addition every prisoner should be assigned four small children who will pester them for things to eat, and the need for the toilet.

The children who are naturals and need no training in psychological warfare, can fight with each other, complain, throw tantrums, moan, cry, kick and spit.

If the prisoner fails to bring the situation under control then they are demoted to the end of the queue and given a double portion of melting icecream.

If you value your time and your sanity then stay away from funfairs 

 

Essential truths about water

 

When you see de rainbow you know God know wha he doing -
one big smile across the sky -
I tell you God got style the man got style
When you see
raincloud pass
and de rainbow
make a show
I tell you
is God doing
limbo
the man doing limbo

But sometimes
you know
when I see
de rainbow
so full of glow
and curving
like she bearing child
I does want know
if God
ain’t a woman

If that is so
the woman got style
man she got style

sail

I have always thought that sailing boats are feminine. Call me a male chauvinist pig is you want, but that is what I have thought.

Whereas Powerboats by definition have got to be male... right?

power

Now I have a garden and there is an old man there who grows potatoes, beetroot, carrots, turnips... if it has a root he will grow it. He is in his seventies

Near his allotment is a lady who grows flowers... asters. lillies, dahlias, daisies. She must be in her sixties.

I think they secretly love each other, but they would never say it to each other.

He said to me "Can I tell you a great secret?" I expected it to be a confession of love, so I was eager to listen.

He said "In the winter time you can not eat flowers"

You see men really are overpowered energetic powerboats and women are graceful sailing ships.

 

 

tomatoes, garlic and lemon thy…

Who would win a fight between my wife and Pamela Anderson?

Can you think of any other interesting fights

Pope vs God

The Pope vs Bono

Queen Elizabeth I vs Queen Elizabeth II

Queen Elizabeth vs Queen

melon

 

 

Who would you like to see fighting?

Who would win between Sundried tomatoes and  Prosciutto Crudo con Melone

WHo would be a fair match for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

 

Global warming

The trouble with insider jokes is that you have to be an insider to get them. The worst thing about insider jokes is that they loose their impact and potency if you have to explain them.

If you have never been to Helsinki you might think this is a snap of a real location. It is not. There is no water in the senate square.

The boat and the church are about a 1Km apart and there is no way that the above photo could exist, except for the fact that global warming might take place an the water levels in the baltic rise about 20 meters.

The above photo is a composite of two different photos, the Lutheran cathedral which is a very well known landmark in Helsinki, and the old lighthouse boat the Relandersgrund which is now a cafe.

Polo in the senate square

The inspration for making the composite was from a Strongbow advert which showed a polo match in the senate square with horses galloping across the cobbles. Once the Relandersgrund leaves perhaps there could even be some water polo.

** Bloody water polo... horses kept drowning on me **