Where do I go

From here?


I started eating again

This week


I've managed three

Days of work


(Someone was in my house)


But I still hurt


Myself without even




Until I see the blood


On my hand



I've been told

We all deserve to

Pursue the mystery

Behind Kevin's death

That Kevin deserves it


I'm barely getting used

To the idea that he is gone




And that this grief

Is something I will carry

For the rest of my life


(someone was in my house)


This grief is unlike


It's beyond measurement

It is an electric shock

To my core

To my marrow

Every time I'm reminded;

Every morning when I wake up

Every night when I undress and brush

My teeth

Every moment the girls make me laugh

Every time the dog sits in the driveway

And watches, waiting for someone

To come home who never will

Every time I replay his last voicemail

Sent two days before

"Hey, Baby. Call me immediately if not sooner,

I looove you."


It is a particular kind of hell


And now I'm being

Told I have to dig myself to a deeper

Level, even though

He will still be nothing

But ashes in a jar





The house has been so heavy

Two nights ago

I walked into

My room

Where the children now sleep

And felt a fierce burning pain

In my chest


The air snaps

At three in the morning

For a half hour

Every day


I feel him

I don't feel peace

I don't feel calm

I feel anxious



The tingles Fini

Said he felt from his

Dead wife

Left him giddy,


Peaceful, reassured


The tingles I receive

Are so heavy

And so dark


I can't move out


From underneath them


They follow me


Like a mood


Until all that I can


Do is stand


Dead center in a room


Not remembering


What I was about


Or what I was saying



I asked Fini

"I'm afraid he

Isn't at peace."


Fini said,

"Tell him

To go home."

But I wasn't ready






The dog never

Runs out the fence


If it was a cat

A stranger

A person he knows

A possum, rat, or bicyclist

He just stands and barks


He never runs out the fence

Unless he is following Kevin


He ran out the fence

And led me to someone

I never met

Someone who knew Kevin

Someone who cared little

For his own life




Someone was in my house

Found a cigarette

And a pair of my underwear

On the floor


Kevin always

Kept me safe

Now who could I

Turn to?

This neighborhood

Is full of cowards

Big drooling mouths

With no teeth


Then I remembered


I found that person

I never met

Until the day

The dog

Ran out the fence

(Bare chested and

Covered in tattoos

He could have

Been Kevin

Twenty years ago)


There has been

No more snapping

I even waited until

3 AM last night

Just for one last visit


The air in the house

Is breathable


And though I bear

The weight of my grief

I'm no longer

Hunted by fear