1.

 

Where do I go

From here?

 

I started eating again

This week

 

I've managed three

Days of work

 

(Someone was in my house)

 

But I still hurt

 

Myself without even

 

Knowing

 

Until I see the blood

 

On my hand

 

 

I've been told

We all deserve to

Pursue the mystery

Behind Kevin's death

That Kevin deserves it

 

I'm barely getting used

To the idea that he is gone

 

(Gone!)

 

And that this grief

Is something I will carry

For the rest of my life

 

(someone was in my house)

 

This grief is unlike

Anything

It's beyond measurement

It is an electric shock

To my core

To my marrow

Every time I'm reminded;

Every morning when I wake up

Every night when I undress and brush

My teeth

Every moment the girls make me laugh

Every time the dog sits in the driveway

And watches, waiting for someone

To come home who never will

Every time I replay his last voicemail

Sent two days before

"Hey, Baby. Call me immediately if not sooner,

I looove you."

 

It is a particular kind of hell

 

And now I'm being

Told I have to dig myself to a deeper

Level, even though

He will still be nothing

But ashes in a jar

 

 

2.

 

The house has been so heavy

Two nights ago

I walked into

My room

Where the children now sleep

And felt a fierce burning pain

In my chest

 

The air snaps

At three in the morning

For a half hour

Every day

 

I feel him

I don't feel peace

I don't feel calm

I feel anxious

Afraid

Panicked

The tingles Fini

Said he felt from his

Dead wife

Left him giddy,

 

Peaceful, reassured

 

The tingles I receive

Are so heavy

And so dark

 

I can't move out

 

From underneath them

 

They follow me

 

Like a mood

 

Until all that I can

 

Do is stand

 

Dead center in a room

 

Not remembering

 

What I was about

 

Or what I was saying

 

 

I asked Fini

"I'm afraid he

Isn't at peace."

 

Fini said,

"Tell him

To go home."

But I wasn't ready

Yet.

 

 

3.

 

The dog never

Runs out the fence

 

If it was a cat

A stranger

A person he knows

A possum, rat, or bicyclist

He just stands and barks

 

He never runs out the fence

Unless he is following Kevin

 

He ran out the fence

And led me to someone

I never met

Someone who knew Kevin

Someone who cared little

For his own life

 

4.

 

Someone was in my house

Found a cigarette

And a pair of my underwear

On the floor

 

Kevin always

Kept me safe

Now who could I

Turn to?

This neighborhood

Is full of cowards

Big drooling mouths

With no teeth

 

Then I remembered

 

I found that person

I never met

Until the day

The dog

Ran out the fence

(Bare chested and

Covered in tattoos

He could have

Been Kevin

Twenty years ago)

 

There has been

No more snapping

I even waited until

3 AM last night

Just for one last visit

 

The air in the house

Is breathable

Fresh

And though I bear

The weight of my grief

I'm no longer

Hunted by fear