June sucked. Well it felt like it sucked. Really, for the life I started to grab onto and live, June was significant. Chaos be damned. Things will sort themselves out eventually. Keep plugging away, I tell myself, even if you've long since stop believing in the reasons you started doing things in the first place. Good ideas are good ideas, plain and simple.
June continued with rainy which has made where I live feel like eight months of bad weather. Oiy. Our beloved family matriarch suffered a hard illness, but now, thankfully, is doing okay.
Two new dresses in their plastic covers hang against the door here in my home office. I thought I would wear one or the other to a wedding we attended last weekend. Neither worked, and a dress I bought on a whim a couple of years ago which was hanging forgotten in the guestroom closet ended up draping me like a charm. Good thing too, because the bride is a phenomenal woman and for some reason I was being challenged enough on my inadequacies. Challenged, for some reason, like, maybe I'm supposed to get my act together already!
I'm drinking Oolong Tea. Clear. I'm sticking to my - don't sit at the computer drinking coffee until well after lunch - rule. Tea seems to be more direct.
My e-mail is overloaded... and I am afraid of it. We work with these nice, neat boxes of technology in our modern lives and you'd think they'd behave themselves.
A new filter for the humidifier still sits in its ugly box in the hallway beside the humidifier, which needs to be vacuumed out or something to get rid of two-years build inside up hard fluff. Controlling fluff, not so motivating. Besides, the humidified is a winter thing... which is why I don't want it in the hall anymore!
My office holds its own chaos of newspapers stacked on the corner of the floor, and my desk supports little bits of papers and notes. These notes made sense to me before I travelled back to Canada at the end of June to visit family. My life here was in some sort of forward motion before the trip, and the notes I couldn't bare to lose now read like a foreign language. I understand what's written, I'll just have to remind myself of the why.
If there are newspapers stacked, also, in the kitchen and nobody knows what's inside them, are there still newspapers in the kitchen? Unfortunately, yes.
Yesterday I had my braces tightened. I'm too old for braces really, but I won't be when it's done! After the tightening I went to a coffee shop. There, in an establishment intended for such purposes, I drink coffee. I had a big latte and re-introduced myself to my journal after 10-days absence. I've taken to writing in an actual hand held leather journal, blank off-white pages, a brown marker pen to swirl around the words. It's a way to capture what's in my head, to have impressions of my life right there in the moment. During the two months of rain we had this spring, sitting there in darkened cafes and assessing where I am when I haven't been liking where I am... has been sublime. There is great freedom in just writing for yourself.
I've always toyed with the idea of writing an on-line journal. I think that's why I signed up here. So far, I haven't been here that often. It's funny to drop in though and write from the barometer of my mind periodically... to see what I come up with. It's like checking in with yourself. I've practically filled my off-line journal since starting it in April. Things may change in the future - heh - listen to that sentence. Of course they'll change, stupid! That's what life does, it changes. Anyway, there is also nothing like being held accountable, publicly... so one day I may drop in more regularly. I enjoy the casualness though of not worrying about beginnings, middles and ends. Somehow, if I only drop in every now and then, that's easier to do.
I've had a lot of things going on. I think I've confused myself. Now that I actually have a chance to really sort some things out, I'm having a hard time believing I'll actually accomplish them. I'm throwing caution to the wind though, and trusting that in the midst of the chores and the desires, one day I'll look back on this time and realize that what really speaks to us is life, and that it's okay, really, to just deal with it.