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It's too early to tell.

I had Easter's dinner in a nice clean house, with a nice clean doggie, and a lovely family- Asian American mom, White American dad, and two beautiful daughters (7 and 13 yrs old). The teenager loves anime, loves Japan, loves another teenage boy. Daddy said she has grown so fast, from daddy's sweet little girl to a teenager with attitudes; The 7 yr old is sweet and chatty. She talked about cartoon characters who I couldn't relate to... The mom is a very beautiful, elegant, and seemingly wonderful woman who teaches the girls manners and teaches them how to be a girl who knows her charm, but uses it to do good, not evil. We've all watched a rated PG-13 movie that stars Kevin Hart. The mommy would ask them to close their eyes during strip club, make out scenes... which I also thought was inappropriate for the kids even though the 13 yr old said that it's what friends her age are watching these days. The night ended at 8.30p.m. around the kids bed time.

Spending time with them has gotten me thinking about how I was, growing up as a kid, with all the rules, standards, curfews; thinking about how I eased myself into learning the "adult" things in the world; and thinking about how I disobeyed the curfews... Most importantly, I tried to understand how it's like to be a wonderful multi-functional mom and wife like her.

The conclusion I got was,... wait, I have a mild headache now. What kind of a person am I and what do I want? I can already felt my traditional Chinese education background empowering my judgement and my conservativeness is driving me insane... in this current American society... "Don't become a bad influence for my kid please". Also, being a mom, for me, means being an ultimate role model for the young ones, with standards, watching out for behaviors, emotions, and thoughts. I am overwhelmed, but certainly calmer now after each paragraph in my journal today.

Again, it's too early to tell, I know. Nothing is perfect, nobody got it all figured out, and you will know it when it's time. It's just, it's me... I like to know and get the taste of things ahead of time, of what I'm getting myself into, if I do want to get myself into it. You know, life.

It's too early to tell.