this is more for me, but anyone who wants to read it is very welcome to... but beware... it's looooooooooong. i suppose that it's ok that it's long because i NEVER post freakin blogs so think of this as catching up. XD
so i figured that since one year has ended and a new year begun, it is more or less "the thing to do" to say/reflect on what u have learned over the past year.... most people i would say wouldn't give a shit and most would probably say, "why do i care?" and it is for that precise reason i say this is purely for me. so then why do i post it u ask? because if u can learn something from this then i have fulfilled part of my duty as a friend and if not then maybe it will at least help u reflect on ur year.. and if still not that then maybe u can have something to do when ur bored.... and if STILL not that then well i dunno, u figure something out.. haha! XD...
anyway, so from the worst years i find that we learn the best of things. now, i'm not saying that this year has been entirely horrible or that my year is the MOST horrible out of anyone's.. however, like any year, it is filled with it's ups and downs. first and foremost from this year, i have learned what pain is... now while u may say "what are u talking about u pansy, that's not pain,"... emotional stress is not something i am too accustomed to dealing with.. i would say that i have lead a pretty privileged and very lucky life... however that privilege is also part of the cause of the great pain. at this point in my life, many people who have been a large part of my life are taking natures course and passing away from old age. my grandfather at the conclusion of 06 and my grandmother (both on my mom's side) in the middle of lat year and also being a very sudden surprise.. not the sort of surprise u want. on top of that, my family was riddled with deaths in the extended part of my family as well as an uncle who is fighting very hard against cancer in the Philippines right now. many of these trials came during or right before i was slated to leave for Japan to stay there for a year. this of course helped me realize the importance of family,
the importance of friends and the importance of the support group around u.
this became much more evident after my first month or so living here. if u ever want to find out what u are made of, who u really are, things like that, go live in a foreign country for an extended period of time. where u have no support group, (at first) no friends, no family and very much in the beginning, nothing but urself. yet i still consider myself privileged. just as i was privileged with my grandparents because i was able to become so close to them, even tho when they passed, it was that much harder. just as i was privileged with that, i am very privileged now to be living here (in Japan). for it's not every day that u can say, "hhhmmm, i think i'll go get lost in Tokyo this weekend".. then actually do it! the opportunities to explore, learn, teach, have fun, travel, are endless. however so are the opportunities to lose urself and that is the test. what type of person are u? are u actually intrinsically strong where u can stand on ur own two feet? or do u still need time to mature in that respect. as for me? well i don't have the answer to that question just yet however i am still sane..... for the most part ^_^...
and so thus far i have covered 2 very large portions of my 2007 life... family and my experiences in Japan. this time living in Japan has opened my eyes to one great necessity in life that i may, and probably have taken for granted in the past and that's friends. it is very easy to say, "bah, i can do this myself, i can handle it," and not admit that u need friends to help u through things. that u are not alone and that no matter how many or little u have, that they are still equally as important. maybe u do or don't understand what i am saying however there are times when it is the most refreshing thing to receive a "hello" from a friend u haven't heard from in a while or one that is just "thinking of u." and while i always took that for granted, it is a great feeling when one of ur friends is "just thinking of u" for no real reason and seeks to make contact again. of course i realized this before but now it takes on a whole new meaning. especially since now, for me, it is that much harder to keep in contact with friends.
yet of course there is a flip side to this revelation and while ur true friends can be and most likely are wonderful to have, there are the "friends" who are there for other purposes. first the more harmless. the friends who will claim to want to be ur friend or befriend u so that u can offer advice on a problem of theirs yet don't want to seem to want to take the time to get to know u in return. the type of person who cries out for a friend yet when one is presented to them, they seemingly disappear. why? who knows, maybe they decided they didn't really like u, maybe their mood changed, maybe they got the help they need and need no more of it... however it's not something to get all worked up over, friends come and go, people change and some people simply and innocently get distracted. maybe they are just an acquaintance or someone who's friend u are only because they are ur good friend's good friend and therefore u are obligated to at least make some effort. however many times either u, the other person or both don't make that effort and u are only left to guess what the other person is thinking, to believe the hear-say and never hear it from the sources mouth. so there's another thing i have learned yet i believe have always tried to do anyway and that is to go to the source. if u hear something about someone, especially negative... go to the source and figure out the truth for urself. and always questions why... if someone says someone else is crap, "why?" then find out for urself for i know that i have no right to pass judgement on someone who i have only heard about from someone else. i guarantee u that the other person being talked about will have a VERY different view of things.
then of course there are the very worst type of friends. they type who use u only to get to someone else or something else. the kind that will rank u as a good friend yet u later find out are only saying to be ur friend to get something from u. this, unfortunately has also happened to me. i was in fact told by that person that they were only my friend so that they could be close to someone else. now i ask u, what type of person does that? why? in this case it was for selfish, manipulative and cowardly reasons. this is also the type of friend who will, and did, willfully take advantage of and pray on one of their close friends. i suppose their only saving grace was that they admitted to doing it, for the third time. so when does that stop? where do the lies stop and the truth begin? again, who knows, i suppose if u are ever in that situation it is for u to decide. Xun Zi, and ancient Chinese philosopher, concluded that all people are inherently bad and that ethics and morals were only put into place to control that defiant nature and these are the type of people who really make u believe that. the type that use, manipulate and deceive u and all with a smile on their face and with the facade that they are the "nicest person in the world." while i have learned that at some point u must trust people, beware of the serpent who offers u an apple. however this may be more akin to a serpent in offering an apple dressed as a cute puppy or bunny. nonetheless, beware.
and then there are relationships and the much debated, fought over, more passionate issue of love. all of my romantic relationships which ended this year have been a blessing. while none ended well and some were too long while others too short and never given a chance, reflecting upon them i would not take any of them back. i have learned a lot from my relationships and, i feel, have a better idea of what love really is. while no one can REALLY understand what it is nor can they put it into words properly, i feel as though i am at least one step closer to understanding. maybe once we finally reach Nirvana we will completely understand ^^ however as for now, i have come in contact with two types. one being the surface love. this is when someone is in love yet does not truly love, is only in love because of convenience or comfort and/or when it more obsession than anything else. this is the kind that fades, that changes with time, that is not completely for someone else but that has an underlying selfishness to it. whether that be to fulfill something missing in themselves or to gain something they've wanted for some time. either way, it is tainted with a strong scent of underlying selfishness.
the other is a deeper anomaly which cannot truly be explained. it is not tainted yet pure and shared by both people. two people who are a team, not in a parasitic relationship and who are two already whole people. i know that i have not experienced the latter because that is the type of person who u spend the rest of ur life with. yet i am also not saying that i or any person who i've been in a relationship with has loved me in either of these ways... there are of course variations, mixtures, loves that start one way and end another, ones that could grow into the latter form of love but aren't given a chance and some that take a completely different course and i don't assume to know which one is which. any of my relationships could have been any of those variations. as of now, i'm not sure which of my relationships fall into what category, how i was loved or how i loved, that is something i may only understand and that the people i was in a relationship may only understand in the distant future. however i do know what kind i want.. and how amazing it will be when i finally find that person who will give and receive that pure type of love.
and so there it is, the good, the bad, the ugly... as much as i would like to say that i had a terrible 2007, i suppose i should look at it in a positive sort of way. that first of all while the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry, that bad company corrupts good morals and when nothing seems to be going ur way, that there is always a bright side of things. with every lie, betrayal, mistake, conundrum and paradox, there is always something to learn and that is part of always growing and learning.
i do not pretend to assume that i know everything (while many think i do), that i am or ever will be fully mature or that i am right in any of what i say... however the one thing that i can always do is learn. learn from observation, experience and no matter what happens, good or bad, i can learn. i am also not ignorant to the fact that many of the things that have happened to me i have also done to others and realizing that, i know i must be more conscious to that. whether i did them consciously or unconsciously, i still did it and part of being mature is to own up to that. not to just push it away, not to just forget about it but to own it, own up to my consequences and know that no matter what, no matter what is taken away from me, no matter who does what to me, i will always have a choice. sometimes they are black and white but mostly they are grey, however the choice is still mine and mine to make. and if i make the wrong choice then i must own up to that, face the consequences and at the very least, learn and never stop learning.