Dear friends:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in

the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every

envelope that needs sealing.

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I

receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program .....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7

million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer

who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail

to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can

remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch the

car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big

brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death

when it bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot

because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my

car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at

5:00 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my

next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's


By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has

discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity

always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.