I was feeling really down the other day.......I tried to talk to several people but they weren't in the mood to listen........I listen to them, at least I think I do......but the one that bothered me the worst is my sister......when I tried talking to her about what bothered me, she asked one question designed to relay the information for any others who had the same question, and once she got that answer she cut me off on the subject, changed the subject, lied and told me she was going to be busy that night, and then lied again when she told me she had intentions of calling me later.......I know these were lies because her son stayed the night last night and I asked him what they had done the night before, and she had done none of what she said she was going to do......there was no reason she couldn't have just taken the time to listen to me.......I have other information she would love to have on the subject.......but have opted to keep it to myself.

So I did the logical thing.......I took it to the Lord in prayer because I know he is always there to care and listen......besides, it had to do with Doc and that way I could ask the Lord to relay what I wanted to say to him for me. In the future I will not view my sister as a confidant.......she just like anyone else and her concern for me seems to begin and end with how it affects her........I will still be a listening ear for her if she needs one because my concern for her is different........she was an attentive person so long as she thought she might need me again, but I think that moment has passed......after I talked to the Good Lord, I did feel better than trying to talk to anyone else. He doesn't just hear what comes out of our mouths, he also knows what's coming out of our hearts.

I asked the Lord to help me to know when someone or something I cared about was dying or hurt really bad, especially if they cared about me too.......not long after I was on the phone and I felt in my head this weird feeling as if something snapped and fluid was draining out of my brain.......it seemed to have a noise but the noise was a feeling....I prayed quickly because I thought something was bad wrong with me. I could hear the neighbor boys outside yelling "NO! Stop!" but then they quit and I continued my phone call.......that night I felt dizzy and disoriented when it was about bed time, and my cat was MIA........we finally found her but she stayed three days under the shed....I thought she was mad at me and finally I put some water where she could get too it and then she tried to come out and the dogs chased her to the fence......turns out she had sustained brain damage somehow and couldn't function anymore even though she was lucid and awake.......she couldn't function......we had to have her put to sleep. I think someone next door had hit her very hard and caused this.......but I haven't told anyone in the house because I don't want them mad at the neighbors or any of their company.

Then one morning about 9:40, I had a massive head rush......the kind I used to have when I smoked weed only stronger.......I thought I was going to pass out......later in the day we got news that my husband's best friend had killed himself right about that time by running headlong into a log truck.......I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't think they would believe me.......a couple days after his service, when I was alone at home, I felt someone grab my forearm firmly.......I failed to do what he'd asked me, which was to explain to everyone that his reason for taking his life was that he didn't want to grow old alone and he felt he hadn't done anything important because he didn't have a family. People just took it that he wasn't in his right mind.......but I did tell my husband about it because I felt he was the main one that needed to know......Glenn and I had had this conversation a couple years before he did what he said he would do......I was hoping the things I said to him then would make him reconsider taking his life, but they hadn't.

The night before we found out about Doc, about six thirty or sevenish, I felt floaty, other worldly.......like reality was really out of focus and fading........I felt like I did right before I'd had a seizure before.......I told my husband how I felt in case I did have a seizure because I've only had two and in the fourteen years I've been with him, I hadn't had one but I wanted him to know I had had a couple in my life and if anything happened like that, not to worry.......but after a bit the feeling passed........the next day Doc never showed up at his office and when they went to check on him, he was found dead at home and no one knew when exactly he had died......they finally determined, from what I understand, that he had committed suicide by inhaling that compressed air......and I found out later his license was being called into question, that's what I'm keeping to myself.......I think I felt it when Doc passed. But I didn't tell anyone and I didn't remind my husband about me feeling weird the night before.......and knowing him, he will never make that kind of connection because he just doesn't think like that......

I haven't told anyone about all this because they just don't listen.......my sister has been known to read my blogs but I think it's just to see if I write anything in there about her or her former husband.......I don't think it's out of any real concern for what I'm thinking. My mom used to read my blogs for the same purpose.......and my sister has told me she reads all my blogs, but then when I mention things I've written in them, she has no clue what I'm talking about.......to be honest, I don't think she has been reading them herself, I think she's been hearing about them from my mother over the years and only then if I say something that would offend her.......I think she might have logged in and read the actual blog on those occasions but really and truly, she's a disinterested schmoozer.......I've seen her work her "magic" with other people......telling them something bad that they were going to have to deal with, like getting fired.....was her bosses idea when I knew full well it was hers because she would mention they needed firing and then say the boss agreed with her......but that's not what she tells the person she is sacking.......she tells them the boss made the decision and there is nothing she can do. Then she will look me right in the eyes without flinching and tell me she never......NEVER lies........which is essentially almost like challenging me to ever question what she says......I have finally decided that when it comes to her own thoughts about herself, she can be deep, but when it comes to others she is very much sticking to the surface.......she likes juicy gossip, but wants nothing to do with anything attached to someone else's feelings. I give her a pass on this because her marriage was one drama after another and maybe she just wants to keep it as light as possible from here on out.......I don't take it personal because she has told me she doesn't talk to mom much because mom complains too much and she considers her to be a hypochondriac......I told her I used to think that too until I started aging and finding myself dealing with some of the same issues I've heard mom talk about......

I thought when my sister moved here that it would change my life because I would have someone to talk too over coffee.......but she seems to keep me in a separate compartment of her life labeled "family", more specific, "someone I have to be in the mood to 'deal' with family" and she is mostly sharing her actual life with her soon to be husband's friends who used to be my friends too......but I never get invited to anything they do that is going on.......and she seems to discourage any socializing between myself and them. I guess she has marked her territory and I'm not supposed to intrude.....she did that with mom and dad when my other sister was sixteen and tried to come back home again. Told her she was tired of sharing with her and wanted the place to herself......she figured it was her turn to get all the attention.......I don't mind so much because all those people do anyway is eat and get drunk.......I have three children I don't want to expose to all of that.......but it's the principle of the matter......I guess my sister is more like my mother than she ever suspected.......and I'm glad no one reading this knows her to tell her I said so LOL.........this is my venting spot......allusive and private.......sorta......and I think I feel better now that I have said all this "out loud".