I discovered the pleasures of female clothing somewhere between 10 - 12 years old. It was a full slip that my mother had left in the bathroom. All I had to do was slide it over my bare legs to discover the pleasures of nylon.

From there I started experiencing the thrill of sneaking into her closet and just sitting on the floor underneath the collection of dresses. I would run my hands over the material and get completely aroused. Several years later I had rescued some of the "give away" clothes and stashed them in the bottom of a drawer in my bedroom. When the opportunity arose, I would lock the door and put on the dress or blouse, letting the fabric fall over my shoulders. I got pretty good at sewing up the garments by hand, so that they would fit better. During High School I managed to rescue a few items that my girlfriends would leave in my car. I was still small enough to slip them on.

After entering the Military, I got married for the first time. That is when things began to gain momentum. I was starting to get quite a collection of women's clothes. They were mostly used things that I had picked out of Salvation Army, Goodwill and D.A.V boxes. I kept everything stashed in a cardboard barrel that had a locking lid. My first wife didn't ever know about my habits, as far as I know. I am sure that my oldest son would know if he could remember that far back. He was less than two years old when his daddy would strut around the bedroom in a dress.

After leaving the Military, I had another son, and got divorced. Those were tough times. I lived by myself for a while so I was able to enjoy my wardrobe. After I met my second wife, I decided I could stop dressing and threw away all that I had collected. So much for that plan, within a couple of years I started to slip into my wife's clothes when she was gone. It was pretty easy, she worked days and I worked nights. I also started to buy some new things of my own, including a wig. One evening my wife decided, for whatever reason, to put makeup on me. I was ecstatic inside. From that time on things progressed. I finally told her about my desires. She didn't handle it very well. That pretty well ended that marriage.

I was back on my own again, with a very sizable wardrobe. I had been introduced to makeup and wigs. Being an amateur photographer I proceeded to make a photo history. It was really scary looking at those early pictures. Before long I had met another very nice woman. This time, I told her up front about my desires. She didn't seem to be moved much either way. We got married a couple of years later. I again thought that I would be able to stop dressing, and pretty well destroyed my whole wardrobe. I still miss some of the things I lost in that purge.

As time passed, the lure of the closet overwhelmed me. My wife had a good selection of nice clothes. I also started to buy new things again. Being in a job that required a security clearance, I was very careful to keep my dressing securely inside. My wife was getting accustomed to seeing my female wardrobe in our closet. I also started wearing a nightgown to bed every night. When we both went out of town, I would take a couple of outfits along. I got to put on a skirt, blouse, slip, bra and panties after a visit to the hot tub. (I had to get dressed in something). As time passed I gave my alter ego a name. Jamie Renae had a very nice ring to it, plus it matched my initials. I could actually sign my femme name so it looked like my real name, no middle name used. I continued in this fashion for several years.

One night, during one of my wife's out of town trips, I was surfing the Internet, looking for wigs. In the search results was a site for Transgendered. Pandora's box flew open. I started reading the web sites of many T.G.s. I soon discovered that I was not alone in the world of crossdressing. There was another Jamie in my town. I emailed her and set up a meeting. We finally arranged to meet at another girl's apartment (Lisa). Other than driving down to the video store at 5:00 in the morning, this would be my first time out as Jamie Renae. I was soooo nervous I could hardly get my nails on. That first meeting was one of the major highlights in my life. I was among friends and sisters. What a feeling of relief. The group I got introduced to was a mixture of Pre and post op Transsexuals and male to female and female to male crossdressers. A wonderful and very supportive group of ladies and gentlemen. To this day I think of them often.

My wife was not a happy person when she found out that I had gone out in public enfemme. There were some tough conversations. She finally saw that I was not going to leave and become a full-fledged woman. I finally got her to come with me to a support meeting; I went in "boy mode". She got her first look at the rest of the TG world. After that we managed to go out with Lisa and Jamie a couple of times to dinner. What a blast it was to be out on the town with other TG girls.

Alas, change is a constant. We retired from our jobs and moved to NW Arkansas. Saying goodbye to my Sisters was a hard thing to do. We have found a TriEss group in Springfield Mo. (Sigma Mu) that supports couples. I think my wife has come to grips with Jamie. She still rolls her eyes sometimes when I come out of the bedroom completely dressed.

I have come to the point now that I want to be of assistance to others that are trying to come to grips with their "Femme self". All I can offer is a good ear and maybe some insights related to my past experiences.

If you have managed to read this complete story, God bless you. If there are any questions that you may have, please don’t hesitate to ask. I can assure you that anything said will stay confidential. I know what a wrong word to the wrong person can do to marriages and careers.

Life continues:

Since I have moved to Northwest Arkansas, things have been moving along at a pretty good clip. After joining Sigma Mu and starting to attend meetings in Springfield Mo. I have gotten involved in TriEss to a much larger extent. Rachael was an inspiration to me, in a sense. She was the leader of the group when I joined. She was a very nice person, in boy and girl mode She was also very nice looking and quite passable.
It wasn’t long until I was really enjoying my newfound Sisters. Another Sister, Jay, and I decided to go to Houston Texas, for our first Holiday Enfemme. This is an annual TriEss convention where you get to stay a girl for four days. We stayed at a very plush hotel in Houston Texas. There were a whole bunch of “Ladies” there. I found that most Cross Dressers were very nice people. I met one in particular that would eventually change my life. After spending 4 days as Jamie I had to get back into Boy mode and go home. That was a minor letdown, but it was still quite an experience.
After Houston, I was determined to improve my appearance, it seems like a life long effort. I continued attending meetings at Springfield and working on my ‘ladylike presentation”. I was still doing pictures and videos to see how I looked out of my “minds eye”. A video camera is a very good tool. I was able to walk and talk as a girl, I was getting pretty good at it. I also was able to model all of my outfits, so that I could see how they really looked. I still do that to this day.
In Nov 2000 I decided to attend a different convention. There was an event called Fall Harvest 2000 in St. Louis Mo. This was not a TriEss function. It was a more “open” event for Cd’ and Ts’s. I drove to St. Louis, in boy mode, and met up with a new Sister from Long Island. This was to be her first time out in public. We ended up having a BLAST. Barbara really had a great time. So did Jamie. I even met a girl that I had known in Colorado.
The following spring, my wife and I decided to hit the road and see some more of the Country. We started out in S.E. Texas in our motor home. We were close to Houston, so we decided to pay a visit to the TriEss group there. We went to a meeting and my wife got to meet several other wives and their husbands. These were very nice people. I think that she had a major change of heart that weekend. Since then she has been a lot more participative with Jamie.
After Texas we went to Colorado to spend the rest of the summer. I met another CD there and we got to know each other some. Before long Tootsey and I were headed to Denver to do some shopping and having dinner. We were very well received by everyone we came in contact with. At one restaurant we had finished eating and were taking each other’s pictures, when the gentleman in the next booth offered to take a picture of us together. As I was waiting for Tootsey to finish in the ladies room I noticed a woman staring at me. I looked her in the eye and gave her a big smile, which she returned. Tootsey and I spent a lot of time together that summer. I think we both got a lot more comfortable with our Femme selves. I credit those days for where I am now.
After we returned from Colorado our next event was “Holiday Enfemme” in Chicago. This time my wife went with me. Jamie got to drive from NW Arkansas to Chicago. That was a very exciting drive. We checked into the hotel and had another great 4 days. We met up with some other couples we had met earlier and had a very nice time.
During the summer we had arranged to take a cruise around the Caribbean for 7 days. We were part of a 20-person group of CDs, some with spouses, on a Ship of about 2200 people. Jamie drove to Galveston and stayed enfemme for the whole cruise, except for the times we went ashore in Mexico and Grand Caymen. Even with the increased security, after 9-11, I was not given any trouble traveling as Jamie.
Just prior to the cruise, I started a new phase of my femme self. I had the opportunity to start giving “Outreach” presentations at The University of Arkansas. I visited my first class in late November of 2001. Since that time I have continued to visit two different classes at the University. This has had a major effect on my confidence. I have come to a point where I can just take a day and go into town and shop or get a wig worked on without worrying about getting made. It just isn’t an issue anymore. I do love it when a sales clerk says ”thank you m'am” or Ms …… I have never had anyone say anything negative, or had a negative experience. It seems that people just are not paying attention, that much.
I spent the summer of 2003 in Colorado again and Tootsey and Jamie had another great time, shopping and dining. We even got together with two other girls and played a round of golf. Had a great time, until the afternoon storms chased us off the course.
I guess this all leads up to me telling you that it is not a “Jungle” out there, as long as you think like a woman and stay out of places that you shouldn’t be in. Being out in public, dressed appropriately, is absolutely the most fun a CD can have.
I will continue to grow as a person. I feel that Jamie has helped me find that “center of balance” that I have been missing for so long. I do feel that any Transgender person can do the same.