I haven't been posting a lot of paintings recently. This isn't because I haven't painted anything, just that i am not very pleased with the paintings i made. I feel like it might help if i can manage to put into words what i am trying to achieve. This seems a good place to do some thinking while i write and who knows, maybe i can get some feedback as well.

But before i get to the specifics of the things i am struggling with in my painting right now, maybe i should try to explain my personal and complicated relationship with painting.
When i was 18 I studied film and animation. My main interest in this was not so much the visual part, but the idea of telling a story. And i loved working with characters, writing dialogue and the way a story kind of builds itself following its own rules. It was a craft and i mostly saw myself becoming a craftsman. i did not have any big ideas about art, i just wanted to do my very best to get accepted into this big machine of film production and be the very best writer or animator i could be. And honestly i didn't really like the kind of people who went on and on about art like it was the thing that would save the world (i still don't).
But when i was in my second year of animation I did a painting course and that sort of opened a whole new world to me. No more storytelling, no more thinking and planning and being part of bigger things. Just pure colour, texture, composition and working for hours on end on pure intuition. I actually had to avoid people after a painting session since i wasn't able to form proper sentences for a while. It absolutely overwhelmed me and i had no idea what to do with this. Do i pursue this? It felt like it was at the same time the most worthwhile thing i could be doing and also the most useless thing i could ever do. Be an artist? really? do i want to be this person? It was very much a love hate kind of relationship and sometimes it still is.
When i was 22 i knew i didn't actually want to be an animator, but i didn't feel strong enough to become a painter. In this period i also started struggling with depression for the first time. I got on with life, travelled, worked, did lots of interesting things (i never became an animator by the way). I kept drawing, did a couple of painting courses here and there, but never seriously got back into it.
Until a about a year ago. A friend suggested this painting class. I enrolled and started painting twice a week. and it feels like i can breath again. It is still intense from time to time, but i seem to be able to handle it much better. And now it is like this road i am on and there is no turning back, just have to keep going and see where it takes me. Still scares me. Still don't feel like thinking or talking about "art". But i will try to put some things into words anyway because I believe that sometimes putting things into words might help me to make choices and using abstract concepts can help me see things clearer. And in the end it might help me make better paintings. So i guess that makes it worthwile.