Something Gracie said in her blog the other day. She's going on holiday but isn't too very keen on shooting through the sky three miles up in an aluminium tube. Can't say as I blame her.

But what's wrong with zeppelins? We could travel much more gracefully and save the planet at the same time. There could be a tea room in the gondola and perhaps even a small dance floor. You could open the windows to smell the fresh sea air and perhaps even have a little balcony where you could promenade.

And look at the safety aspects. If somebody catches ebola in Africa today he could be in New York before he shows any symptoms. If you were on a zeppelin he'd be dead before you were halfway there so you could just tip him off the balcony.

And ships too. We don't need those big metal things. A clipper looks much more attractive. Made of wood and all those wonderful sails. We'd have to regrow all those missing forests to build proper ships. Who cares if it takes a few weeks to take tea from China to Boston? They're only going to throw it in the harbour anyway.

And carriages. Carriages have springs and they're not uncomfortable. We could throw all our motorcars away. It'd be safer too. I've seen americans driving on the webcams in Tucson and if it gets a bit snowy they can't turn a corner. At least with a carriage a horse would have enough sense to turn that corner without slamming into a wall.

And if you come out of the pub completely blasted all you'd need to do is get on your horse. The horse knows the way home. Then you can just fall off in the garden. Horse will still be there in the morning unless he gets bored with watching you snoring and wanders off.

Look, I know that a hundred years ago horses killed more people on the streets than motorcars do today. But think of the roses. What comes out of the back end of a horse is a lot more useful than what comes out of the back end of a motorcar. One must have a sense of decorum.

And that high speed rail link they're planning that's supposed to take twenty minutes off the train trip from London to Birmingham. Who cares? I've been to Birmingham and the place is absolutely bloody dreadful. I don't know why anyone would want to go there in the first place.

I want to go back to a time when gentlemen wore frock coats and a top hat. And ladies wore crinoline. I bet I'm not going to get it though.