In the few years I've been blogging I've noticed that there are a number of blogs by the ladies to tell men how to be their best. I felt it was about time that there was something written from the man's point of view. Since men tend to be less specific in these matters this won't be something like a Haynes Manual without the diagrams, more in the nature of general guidelines. I hope it helps.

First of all I'm assuming you can cook. If you can't then you don't deserve a man. Unless you are having a dinner party with guests or it's an anniversary then don't bother with meals that take a long time to prepare. Just make something fast and tasty and get it on the table, that's all he'll care about. Besides, it leaves more time for the evening. If it must for some reason be a complicated meal then let him know in advance and then he can arrive when you've almost finished.

Children should be encouraged to help in the kitchen to show them how it's done for when they are older. This does not apply to your lover. He'll get in the way and irritate you. Also he won't know the way you like things done and that will irritate both of you.

When you go to his place for a meal just let him get on with the cooking without interfering. Just sit in the next room with a glass of wine to prepare yourself for how your going to pay for all of this with your body. Chat about whatever comes into your head, he won't be listening anyway. If you want to get his attention just mention a man's name. Any man, that'll make his ears prick up. If he always sends out for mail order food or whatever it's called then he can't cook. Dump him.

Your appearance is all important and of course you want to make a good impression. Remember least is best. Your lover wants to look at you and not the face you recently painted on, even if you are going somewhere special. After all, he doesn't want to forget and look around in the interval to see somebody that should be in a kimono at a Geisha house. It's startling when he doesn't expect it.

The same goes for your hair. An elaborate couffuire is alright if you are off to the opera or something. Otherwise keep it simple. If it gets blown about by the wind just brush it off your face and carry on. If you are going out in a tornado just tie it in a ponytail. If you spend more time preening into a mirror than you do gazing adoringly into his eyes he'll know where your true feelings lie.

If he is one of those blokes who likes to watch other men play team sports and you have no interest in them just tell him and let him go on his own or with his mates. He'll thank you for it. Don't just trundle along and then spend the time fidgetting and asking "Is it over yet?". This doesn't apply to cricket of course where the object is to sit comfortably sipping champagne and eating scones and strawberries with cream while thinking about how you're going to burn those calories from his lean lithe body when you get him home. There is a big scoreboard if you ever wonder how the game might be going.

If you want to go somewhere that he has no interest in like a puppet show or something then go with another friend. You must have some, either girls or boys. He'll appreciate not being dragged along to something he finds boring. If he trusts you there is no problem and if he doesn't trust you then he's not the right bloke for you. You are friends and lovers, not joined at the hip.

Contrary to myth men can be romantic. If you like to sit under a tree on the river bank at twilight with some wine and a few snacks while the sun goes down he might like it too. If you are going to lie in each others arms under the stars don't pick somewhere near a picnic area or close to one of those streetlights that come on automatically when it gets dark enough. That spoils the moment completely.

When it comes to the bedroom. If he is doing something that you don't like then tell him. Don't just let him carry on for ten minutes and then bang him on the head with a skillet. He's not a telepath and won't know unless you say something. All girls are different. Even cars have different gear ratios.

Remember, FFS (food follows sex). Have something snacky in the fridge. Not something too strongly flavoured because he sure won't want to be off brushing his teeth all night and you'll have to lie next to him.

If you fancy something a bit out of the ordinary such as covering yourself in custard while he is smeared with raspberry jam so you can get all messy for Gods sake warn him in advance. Don't just enter the bedroom all yellow with the jamjar in your hand and a big smile. It's incredibly scary if he was expecting stockings and suspenders.

When you get the idea to try something unusual like Viagra (just to see what happens). Remember, the dosage is 25mg no more than four times a week not 50mg every day for a fortnight. You'll have a happy smile and you'll both have burnt off a lot of weight but he'll look like something from 'Sean Of The Dead'. Believe me, I know..... I've got a mirror.

Perhaps he's not the best looking bloke in the world but it's what's inside that counts. Maybe he took a dive through a car windscreen in his youth or got too happy with the hedgetrimmer and his fingers. It doesn't matter. Scars are not a defect they are a symbol of triumph over injury.

Remember, you are partners for life. If you can hold his head while he's throwing up and he can hold your hand during childbirth then you're on the right track. When you're old and grey but still hold hands under that tree on the riverbank then you got it right.